by Michele Christopher
Welcome to another week of Editor's Picks.
I guess we're still thinking about yesterday's cheesecake and apple pie and the fifteen other desserts that were on the table. All I know is that when turtle and I go back to my mom's for leftovers later on, there better be some of the good stuff left. Fuck the turkey. I want PIE.
So now that we are in dessert mode, our editor's picks for this weekend are.....go figure......favorite desserts!
I like this topic. Quick and easy.
1. Apple pie. Preferably with vanilla ice cream and whipped cream.
I don’t play around when it comes to dessert. Even after a big meal, I always make sure to save a little room for the good stuff. You might even say it’s my favorite course. Ice cream always goes over big, as does damn near anything with chocolate in it. But I have a list of three things that no “holiday” dinner should be without.
I – Chocolate Pie. Whether it be Mom’s (with pudding made in an iron skillet, a freshly baked crust and a tub of Cool Whip) or something I grabbed from the diner on the way home (twelve inches high and twelve inches across), Chocolate Pie is an absolute must. Cold, creamy and just a little bit dark and perfect with a cup o’ joe.
II – Chocolate Chip Cookie. There are two kinds of chocolate chip cookies. The right kind and the kind that are nastier than licking the Devil’s ass… When the cookies are done right, they’re still a little warm and buttery, the chocolate is soft, but not runny and the dough is just barely cooked. When they’re hard and crunchy, they’re right out. It may be a cookie, (and some cookie is better that no cookie), but no cookie is better than a hard, nasty one.
III – Termini’s Cannoli. Notice how I didn’t say “cannoli”. These are not your garden variety cannoli. These are your Grandmother’s cannoli, if she was the greatest fucking pastry chef that ever lived. Crunchy and crispy shells made from fried pasta and a filling made of sweetened ricotta. I honestly can’t tell you what the guys at Termini’s add that the other guys don’t, but I can tell you that every year around the holidays, they have a line that stretches down the block from open to close. They sell thousands of cannoli a day right before any festive occasion and an hour or two in line is a small price to pay for something that good.
turtle gets sneaky and paranoid
What can you say. It's that time of year and you know there is going to be dessert. I hate dessert. Well, that's not entirely true. I don't hate dessert, I hate the concept of it. The fucking rules drive me insane. The traditional bullshit. You have to eat this shit before you get to the good stuff. You have to endure a few more hours of family time to get some of that goodness.
There is always some old guy around too. Always wants his own pie or cake that no one has tasted since America hit the Industrial Revolution. I mean fuck, what the hell is mincemeat pie anyways?
I'll tell you what it is. It's an old trick used by people who want you to stay off their shit. When I used to order a pizza when I lived in band houses, I always got double anchovies on mine. No one ate that shit. This is the "stay off my shit" theory. You can see it in use anywhere. From hotels to restaurants to bowling alleys to pool halls. You can also see the "stay off my shit" theory in use on any globe you see. Ever wonder why Greenland is all ice and Iceland is nice and green? That's the "stay of my shit" theory.
Well, I don't. I don't need any one's dessert. I always bring my backup.
Hostess Brand Snack Cakes.
Shove a few of these in your pockets and be no ones slave to their dessert. Be your own person and eat the Hostess. Although this does toss some problems into the "stay off my shit" theory, I find a few well placed sneezes on your Hostess Brand Snack Cakes will generally keep about 90 percent of the people away from your dessert. Those other ten percent are usually kids and their taste buds have not yet been dulled because of over consumption of alcohol, cigarettes and drugs, so a well placed drop of Rooster Sauce tends to dramatically increase the number of crying babies who refused to stay off your shit and gives a gentle reminder that they need to stay off your shit.
So in the end, what did we learn?
A) The "stay off my shit" theory is still going strong today
So those are our favorite holiday desserts and well anytime desserts. Pretty simple and easy. Although some of ours have some weird detailed theories in them, we would like to hear your favorite desserts.
So what are they?