Leaked Documents
by The Finn

Internal Memo
Not for redistribution
New Hire Handbook
Eyes Only - FTTW Executive Leaders

Welcome to Faster Than The World Industries, a joint partnership between Bird Ltd., Testudinidae Inc. and Finn Enterprises, the three most influential publishing conglomerates in the world. Faster Than The World is the world leader, ISO 9001 certified and a dynamic, exciting workplace of the future.

“If we didn’t write it, then you’re reading the wrong website.”
-Mistress Bird – Addressing the Harvard Graduating Class of 2000
Faster Than The World originally started in a one room schoolhouse in Des Moines, Iowa in 1908. It was at this historic site that the company’s motto “We’re On A Mission To Destroy” was found burned into the smoking, charred remains of the schoolhouse after an enigmatic man known only as Tur Tel laid waste to the town after being marooned there for three days. As very few survived his wanton swath of destruction, little is known about the founding members of the company, save that all three of them had freckles and one owned a cat.

What is known is that by 1910, Faster Than The World had become a world leader by utilizing best practices and thinking outside the box. What had originally started only as an ideal soon began to transform the world and became the company you see today. With a diverse and original portfolio, it’s easy to see why we’re the best.

We here at FTTW strive to provide the best in content on a daily basis for our legions of rabid fans. And as the newest addition to our staff, you’ll be expected to work long hours and weekends, all for the glory that is FTTW. FTTW will become the center of your own personal universe and no sacrifice will be too great for you to help build and grow the FTTW Empire. As a member of our diverse and highly skilled staff, you will receive all the benefits that our loyal fans receive, which is to say none. However, you will get to work with us on a daily basis, learn valuable lessons and occasionally have the Executive Leadership Team beat you black and blue while in the throes of an ether binge.

classifiedlogo.jpgAt FTTW, we believe that our writers are our company’s strongest asset. We troll the four corners of the earth, seeking out and courting only the most talented young writers. New writers are handled tenderly and gingerly, in much the same way you might care for and cultivate a flower. We strive to breed creativity in a nurturing and caring workplace. But we’re not training flowers here at FTTW. We want thought-killing machines of incredible prejudice. We want you to write so well, other pages with written words become a vague memory in our audience’s minds. With that in mind, every minute you are at work must be spent at work, producing content for the company. If, for any reason, you are unable to produce for the company, please alert your supervisor. As an extra incentive to inspire your creativity, please be reminded that if you don’t produce, we will kill you and your entire family.

In order to maintain our profit margin, we respectfully ask that you limit your use of company resources. Remember that fully 25% of FTTW profits go to buying black market babies so that the Executive Leadership Team can bathe in the blood of virgins nightly in order to maintain their youthful appearance and enhance their negotiation skills. It’s up to you to utilize your sheet of paper and one (1) Number 2 pencil to their fullest as they will not be replaced should you lose them or use them.

Once again, we extend the warmest welcome to the Faster Than The World Family. Your hard work, toiling away in the Faster Than The World Salt Mines will serve the greater good, teach you valuable lessons and will enable the Executive Leadership Team to extend their own lives through satanic employee sacrifice rituals.

Welcome To Faster Than The World!!

thefinn will make you rich and famous... for a price. Archives


You gave away our company secrets.

You must die.

No more black market babies for you.


Can I still have black market babies?


You already have one.


All I know is, they told me there was beer involved and that the interns were all hotties, so I said yes.


Wait! You were promised beer!

I gotta get a better Agent.


Can you have purchasing bring in some mildewy old jack-o-lanterns? It's dark down here in the depths of the salt mine.

and... heeey... i didn't get a pencil.


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