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Letters To and From Home
by Michele Christopher
I was really bothered last night by our conversation. Not pissed. I was tired and trying to go to sleep when you called so I was pretty out of it and I completely forgot to mention the exciting thing that happened to you. You sounded very disappointed that I didn't bring it up. At first I was annoyed with you because of it and I wanted to say to you, “YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO IS BUSY” but then I started thinking that I'm a terrible wife because I forgot something that is important to you. The thing is...I'm not perfect and while I love you immensely I have "our" life to keep living. "Our" life that I'm trying to keep in order by myself and sometimes I forget to share an exciting moment. I'm really sorry that I forgot. I know it’s not that big of a deal but I also know that I have disappointed you like this in the past. I don't want to be a bad wife but sometimes you have to remind me just like I have to remind you about things. You don't always remember what I'm going through either whether it is exciting or sad. It's just hard because we are so far apart right now.
The phone sucks. But the thing is I am excited for you and I want to share all of that stuff with you. But you caught me at a bad time.
You are going to think I'm a total bitch for this but I'm starting to feel like I should be selfish. Everyone is giving you all this attention for being in Iraq. While I understand you are at war, I feel like I got the shitty end of the deal too. Like everyone forgot that my husband is in Iraq. But nobody gives a shit about me. And that's fine but I'm going to give a shit about me. I'm going to take money that I got from working hard in school and I'm going to splurge a little. Not a lot. I made sure to take care of the responsibilities first but I deserve to splurge too. I know that you may not understand this or maybe I read your reaction wrong but you seemed like I had just committed the most unfair thing in the world. When you don't realize that when you come home everyone is going to spoil, you not me. I have saved money for you to have fun with too. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be spoiled and I'm not saying that you don't deserve it, but you try running a household for two all by yourself while working and while going to school.
Everyone seems to have forgotten how hard it is for me too. If I can spoil myself I'm going to because no one else is going to do it right?
I know this sounds really bitchy but it’s the truth about how I feel. It’s not all roses for you, but it’s not all roses for me either.
And I feel wrong for thinking of myself. I feel guilty for wanting to have a little special time for me with you being over there. I feel like everyone expects me to be strong because that is what I told them so they think because I'm strong that I don't need any support.
I’m sorry to bring this up to you with all that you are going through I just don’t have anyone to talk to.
I love you
I thank you all the time for the things that you are doing back home, and how much I appreciate what you are doing--taking care of the dogs and getting the house set up.
I know it's not easy and I know that if it were anyone else but you, they wouldn't be able to do it.
I'm sorry that you thought that I was mad about you not mentioning the thing about the plane. I asked about it because I honestly wanted to know if you got the email or not. I'm not looking for bleeding heart sympathy and oodles and oodles of "congrats!!" I just thought that you would think it was just as cool as I did and that we could share it. I know we all forget things, and that's why I wasn't upset at all!
About the shopping spree...first of all, I have no problem with you going to splurge a bit--because you do deserve it, and second, it is your money and you have the plan laid out as far as the money goes and I trust you with it. I regret if I gave you the wrong impression. I know you were just about to go to sleep and I'm sorry that the conversation
I love you, and I appreciate everything that you are doing. I know it's not easy, and I know that you are working very hard! I tell everyone how much work you are doing back at home and how tough it is to deal with the dogs and the house by your self. You're strong but that doesn't mean you don't deserve support too, and I don't know what you are or are not getting from other people, but just know that I know that "our" life is nothing without all that you do.
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