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Men's Underwear Stinks
by A Guest Author
by Ted Bronson
Don't let the title fool you, I don't necessarily mean in the olfactory department. I mean in the comfort and style departments.
I don't wear underwear any more. Call it a rebellion against upbringing. Call it a fashion choice. Call it whatever you want. Just don't expect me to wear it unless I am wearing wool pants. I was raised with plain white briefs, like probably most of the guys out there, because that is what my mother bought for me and I didn't know any better. This unfortunately lasted until I was in my twenties. I did try boxers at one time at the insistence of a girlfriend, but I can't say I enjoyed the experience. They seemed too bunchy and bulky for me. A different girlfriend bought me a thong. The thong lasted maybe three seconds longer than the relationship.
I have issues against the construction of underwear for one thing. If a man is wearing briefs and has to take a leak, he has two choices: 1) un-do the entire front of his pants and pull down the waistband, whiz and shake while keeping his belt or any other part of his clothing from touching the urinal that he just saw somebody even drunker than him barf in, then do it all in reverse with the added labor of straightening shirt, tie, etc..-a labor intensive piece of work when one is drunk as a monkey or 2) bend his crank into a 'Z' shape to piss through the stupid little hole/flap in the front, knowing that the constriction of his unit will cause at least a few drops of urine to avoid 'the shake' and end up making the front of his pants look like those of an excited pre-schooler. Boxers are not much better to wear, but at least they usually have a much larger opening for ease of access. But this is not enough good to balance against the evil of 'bunching'.
You know you are in trouble when you go to stand or sit and suddenly a clear, bright soprano note the Vienna Boy's Choir would kiss a girl to hit escapes your twisted rictus of a mouth because the boxers have managed to grab hold of your balls and are attempting a vasectomy.
Now since I don't wear undies any more, I can stagger up to whatever pisshole in the snow I happen to be diving in that night, whip it out, do my thang, give it a good shake and leave without all that effort and potential for either clothing or fleshly disaster. Plus I don't have to worry about what my skivvies are doing in there, if they are grabbing or pulling or just plain sticking to things. I know what my wedding tackle is doing and it stays where I put it.
Then comes the issue of style. Let's face it, the genitalia of a man is not an attractive thing to view. So why in the hell should we try to pretty it up? It is a simple fact that form follows function. So a dick pretty much has to look like it does. But they are not attractive. Barring the occasional Dirk Diggler out there, most of them aren't even impressive. And a man's ass, c'mon!! Who would want to frame a fat, hairy, pimpled thing like that in anything "sexy?" The contrast is just too much to take. But the commentary women put into magazines and calendars with the likes of Beckford Tyson in his shorts rivals that of men who look at magazines showing completely nude women. I don't get it and I'm not sure I want to. Besides, there are only two people who are gonna see me without my pants on: my wife and my doctor and they have both seen me naked anyway. Style to a man is really just classy comfort. So if nobody can tell that my Armani suit is covering nothing more than bare skin, why bother? (An aside here, indulge me: If an average guy wears a Speedo, he is showing more skin than anyone wants to see in public on an average day. But if he walked out on the beach or to the pool in his underwear, he would be vilified as some kinda pervert. Why? Is there a stigma attached to undies that does not connect to swimwear? Solve the problem, stop wearing either.)
Finally, the issue of 'support' rears its head. I somehow don't think that the Greeks, Romans, Celts, and other toga or kilt wearing societies ever worried about their balls flopping around while they were out conquering continents. It is a null issue. Since our society has decided that men should wear pants of some type, only then have we decided to wear underwear. I wear pants in public because I have to and don't want to go to jail. But the pants I wear are cut well. If any support is required, the pants give them. When I am home or at a civilized beach or campground I just let 'em hang the way nature intended. Let me tell ya something folks, in the last few years, my dick has gotten bigger, an issue most men would not have a problem with at all. A friend of mine at a nudist camp once told me the same thing happened to him when he started going nude and without underwear. I gotta think this has something to do with unrestricted blood flow, efficient cooling, and gravity. And if that's not a good enough reason to stop wearing underwear, I don't know what is.
Ted Bronson goes by the nickname Captain Commando.