By Travis

I recently took a trip to southern California to, among other things, visit my future brother-in-law. He’s a college student who is barely old enough to drink and therefore the act of getting drunk is very much the go-to carnival activity of every weekend, or really any free time available. The astounding thing is that most young people have yet to accept the fact that they are drunks. They play drinking games in order to justify and enhance the act of socially getting obliterated. I, on the other hand, have come to accept the fact that I am a drunk. I have no qualms about setting out, purposefully, on a weekend to get shit-faced hammered for no other reason than I am bored and feel like being shit faced. Sure it may be a bit suspect and I’m probably on my way to turning my liver into a retarded stump of dead flesh inside my guts, but that’s how I roll. Seeing, though, as it’s more socially acceptable to get drunk while playing asinine games I decided that it was time to create my own. Sure they may not be as fun as “circle of kings” or “beer pong” (which, by the way, I am a champion of) but I think they are more aligned with someone who is a fully actualized drinker.

Now when creating drinking games you have to understand that there are games you play in order to get drunk and then there are games you play one you are too drunk to even speak coherently. For example: Beer pong is something you play, as a spectator sport, in order to get the night started. The game itself is not going to get you blitzed but it sets a nice even coat of booze into the tummy. Sort of like slipping a thumb in the ass before you go for the full on anal. My games are designed to get you smashed rather quickly and unequivocally. The games for once you are drunk are designed to take advantage of your idiotic state with little, or no, thought towards the consequences of your actions. And really, what other kind of games are there?

These games started during what my friends and I playfully refer to as “Drunken Olympics ‘06”. You have to pronounce the year as ought six like turn of the century pioneers. We rented a hotel room for the weekend and decided that we were going to be smammered from Friday evening through Sunday afternoon. Like I said; I, and my friends, have absolutely no problems with understanding and placating our drunken tendencies. This was also the same weekend in which security came up to our room NINE TIMES in one night.

ROUND ONE

Remembering that the point of these first round games are to fuck you up; they are best played at home. Starting the drinking games at home means a few things: they’re cheaper, you’ll need to have a cab or designated driver on stand by (preferably not a girl you want to have sex with anytime soon because it’s gonna get ugly), and no one will call the cops on you when you pull out a realistic looking toy gun for the first game.

Airsoft Russian Roulette.

Items Needed:

Now I love my airsoft guns. Unfortunately a lot of them have been damaged in drunken shoot-house scenarios. The one I take the best care of is my revolver and I do so for moments just like this. When you get enough guys together everyone becomes a masochist. Everyone wants to prove how tough they are and how much damage they can take. Mix that philosophy with and airsoft gun and shots of vodka and you’ve got yourself a drinking game that makes beer pong look sophomoric. What you do is load one BB into the cylinder and place the shot of booze on the table in between the two of you. A third party spins the cylinder in order for no one to know where that BB is. How you determine who goes first is up to you: person who’s had the most sexual partners, person who’s the shortest, person who smells most like a homeless man’s ass; you get the idea. Each person takes a turn pointing the gun at an exposed piece of skin, usually the shoulder, and pulling the trigger. Whoever gets shot drinks the booze. Victory is awarded to the injured party because he took it like a man and he’s closer to getting drunk than the rest. If at anytime one person flinches during the game they are to be mocked mercilessly for being a pussy.

Now before we go on I would to stop for a moment to explain this picture. These four bruises are actually the result of being shot with an airsoft gun. That is also, unfortunately, my arm. What you have to understand is that I couldn't find a picture of something like this so I had to make it. In trying to make sure that it showed up I sat down with my airsoft gun, put on a movie, and for about ten minutes repeatedly shot myself in these four spots. Do you see what I do for you interweb? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!! What you are also seeing is my first tattoo. I got it when i was eighteen and the guy at the tattoo shop said it meant dreams...eight years later and I haven't put anything bigger on my arm to not make this sissy ass thing not stand out, that, and I'm not sure if it actually means dreams. For all I know it's the symbol for glory hole. Got it? Good. Moving on.

Irish Car Bomb Time Trials.

Items Needed:

That’s right it’s time for one of the worst ideas in drinking history: Irish Car Bombs. In this game everyone gets fucked up…fast. These are time trials so a lack of gag reflex helps. Though if you’re playing these games on a team basis the team who ends up with the girl who can deep throat anything (and everyone knows one of those chicks) has to give the team without the whore a bit of a head start. Everyone preps their car bomb, drops the shots and drinks as fast as possible. The person who finishes their car bomb last has to take an extra shot of whiskey. Yeah, it’s a shitty thing to do because the worst drinker ends up drunker, faster, than everyone else but this will come in very handy during round two.

These games can be repeated until an appropriate lever of drunk is achieved; which is usually announced by one guy proclaiming, “Fuck this, let’s go to the bar!” This proclamation means everyone has had enough of being jack asses in private and that it’s time to go out in search of something to sex up.

As stated before: round two games are to be played once everyone feels indestructible and the thoughts of consequences, rejection, or besmirching one’s good name are longer an issue. These games must also keep up and/or advance the amount of drunkenness to prevent people from falling asleep or suddenly getting their sound judgment back. Similarly, at this point, you morals will begin to slip further and further away that brings us to:

ROUND TWO

How Much Are Your Morals Worth

Items Needed:

Drunk Guy

Lack of Self Esteem

Money

The origins of this game go back to when I was in a band and was deemed, and treated like, everyone’s little brother. For those of you who have younger siblings what do you do to them? That’s correct. You torture and torment them and pay them to do things that are socially unacceptable. That, in theory and practice, is the linchpin of the first game in the second round. It starts with a challenge. One member of the party issues a challenge for another member of the party i.e: “I’ve got five bucks that says you won’t go over to that girl, whip your dick out, and start yelling ‘OH MY GOD MY COCK IS TRYING TO ESCAPE MY PANTS!’ then put it away, act like nothing happened, and try to get her phone number.” Or some such other challenge. Other members of the group chime in monetary amounts or promises of liquor. The wager goes up until the victim goes through with it. The further into the night you get, the more daring and idiotic the challenges become. Unfortunately this game can only end two ways: No one does shit…or someone goes to jail. Really well played games end with everyone in jail.

If you've done everything correctly through the night you were pretty hammered and bruised when you showed up to the bar. By the end of the first game in Round Two you are morally bankrupt, socially horrified and probably being eyed by more than one person for an ass kicking...good. Game Number Two.

How Pretty Can That Girl Get

Items Needed:

You and your low moraled friends

Girls with self esteem issues

We've all been there my friend: The hot chick, whose image is burned into your masturbatory database, wouldn't piss on your eyes if your face were on fire. But somewhere, in that sweaty drunken wilderness, is a chick who wants your attention. Well with the magic of booze...look, honestly, if you don't know where I'm going with this joke, you're too young to be reading it anyway. You probably have homework to do and should be worrying about things like where you'll be taking your prom date. If you do know where I'm going with this joke, allow me to assist by illustrating it.

And of course if you are successful, this game can pretty much end the night.

Now there are also games that don't fit into the standard One Round, Two Round, format and those are called transitory games. They can go from the beginning of the night to the very - bitter - end. There are several games that fall into this category but the most popular one is a game that saw it's birth from a movie. Every wife, girlfriend, and mother probably rues the day that the movie Waiting brought forth this game to the masses, oh how they RUE it hard. For those of you who haven't seen it, for fuck sake go watch it, but this movie also brought about "The Penis Showing Game". Every guy who has any sort of sophomoric sense of humor this game appeals to every one of our juvenile senses. First you get to pull your wang out in creative ways. Second you get to trick your friends into looking at your creative wang. And lastly you get to kick them and viciously mock their sexuality for looking at the wang you pulled out. That's right, you pull your wiener out and then call whoever looked at it variations of the word fag...yup, I'm a child but I'm okay with that. If you're reading this, and you're a girl, chances are, on more than one occasion, you've hid your head in your hands to avoid the social stigma of your boyfriend flashing his balls at a bar.

There are lots of other drinking games that you alcoholics can play, these should get you started for your next weekend booze-fest. If you happen upon another interesting way of making getting obliterated more fun, drop me a line and I'll test it out the next time I head out on the mission to destroy my liver.

Travis has only been drunk once in his life, but that drunk has lasted twenty some years.

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