Overanxious/Overheard
by Michele Christopher

I am flying solo for Late Night Typing tonight. Turtle isn't exactly on the road yet, but he will be by the time most of you read this. So we'll call this Day 1 of The Great Turtle Cross Country Adventure. Otherwise known as: Michele's Anxiety Levels Reach Xanax Proportions Week. I guess I can put up the turtle tracker now:

You'll be seeing this on LNT every night til he gets to New York. I'll be calling turtle as I'm ready to write my LNT and he'll tell me where he's at and if anything interesting happened he wants to share. Maybe a zombie infestation in Wyoming. Something like that. So tonight as I write this the turtle is still hanging in California, poised at the starting gate. Who knows where it will be tomorrow night. But let's say if you load up this page tomorrow morning and the turtle is somewhere in Arizona, something has gone horribly wrong and the woodpecker on the east coast (that's me) will be holding a bottle of Jack Daniels should that happen.

For the record, LNT won't be solo this whole week - I know it's not the same without turtle but hey, this is a small price to pay for my happiness, right? Right.

I'll have a guest or two writing with me during the week, and turtle did leave me with half an LNT in case I ran out of ideas. Seriously, he is the idea man. Notice what I come up with when he's not around.


Geez, he didn't even leave yet and I'm missing him already. You guys are in for it this week.


Anyhow, on with tonight's topic.

You ever find yourself standing in a store just minding your own business and you happen to overhear a conversation two people are having and you can't help but listen in on the conversation intently because you just can't believe what you're hearing? Sure, you may call it eavesdropping. I call it overhearing. Hey, you talk out loud in a public place, you gotta expect people to hear you. And write down what you say. And publish it on a website. Fair use or something like that.

I've collected quite a bit of overheard snippets in my time and tonight, I will share them all with you.

Overheard at the PTA meeting:

lady1: man, that really gets my goat.
lady 2: you don't have a goat
lady 1: what?
lady 2: you said it gets your goat. you don't have one. and even if you did, why would anyone want it?
lady 1: christ, it's a figure of speech
lady 2: yea i know. But..goats. you know?
long pause
lady 1: man, that really gets my tits

overheard between a kindergarten boy and his father, outside the school:

Dad: What did you do today?
Boy: The same. Looked out the window.
Dad: What did you see?
Boy: The same. Giraffes.
Dad: What were they doing?
Boy: The same. Eating the clouds.
Dad: (silence)
Boy: That's why it was nice out today. I made them eat all the clouds.
Dad: Good boy.

overheard22.gifOverheard in a restaurant:

woman 1: this coffee is giving me a stomach ache
woman 2: go poop. you'll feel better
woman 1: yea. I'm gonna go drop some bombs on Afghanistan. Be back in a few.

overheard in the supermarket:

Woman 1: Mmmm... I love cheese danish. Let's get those.
Woman 2: Ick..no. My mom bought them once and they tasted like cum

in doctor's office:

Receptionist: "Mr. Green! How have you been?"
Mr. Green (who is about 60 years old and is wearing a layer of gold chains over his button down shirt to go with his wide collar leisure suit): Great! I've got a twenty year old girlfriend and she's still a virgin!"
Receptionist: "Um...that's nice, Mr. Green."
Mr. Green: "Hey, I'm just kidding sweetie. You know I only date whores!"


Doctor's waiting room, same day as above:

Guy 1 (about 35-40 years old, has that freshly hungover look): "Hey, dude! I haven't seen you in months!
Guy 2: Oh..hey. How you been?
Guy 1: Not bad. Still not working, just drinking and shit.
Guy 2: You still fucking Samantha?
Guy 1: Nah, Samantha is fucking girls now.
Guy 2: Oh, I hear ya on that.
Guy 2: Oh, look there's that sniper thing (looks up at CNN on waiting room television). You know, I thought of you when that shit first happened.
Guy 1: Heh, you thought it was me?
Guy 2: Well, it wouldn't have been the first time you went around shooting people.

Supermarket:

woman: What should I make for dinner tonight?
man: Big fat titties!
woman: Excuse me?
man: Big fat titties rubbed in garlic and oil!
woman: (rolling eyes) We had chicken breast on Wednesday.

parking lot at work:

Woman 1: You better go read your bible, you fucking whore!
Woman 2: I read the bible and you need to ask for forgiveness you dumb bitch!

At Walgreen's:


woman: So, why was he wearing your mom's dress?
guy: Well, you know how women have penis envy? Men have woman envy. We all want to be women. So eventually our curiousity gets us and one day we put on a dress and some high heels and look in the mirror and say "Man, I would fuck me."

and my favorite:


7-11, at the coffee counter:

Girl: What are we going to do tonight?
Guy: (shrugs) we could fuck for three hours or so...
Girl: Uh..I have my period.
Guy: (leeringly) not in your mouth, you don't.
(Girl slaps guy in the head)


Overheard any good conversations lately? -M

Late Night Typing does not apologize for airing your dirty laundry

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Comments

I don't overhear any conversations that good. I need to move to New York and start hanging out with you.

Or maybe it's just the New York thing.

This reminded me of the Lewis Black bit. "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."

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dude, those are fucking good. classic.

i was at mardi-gras one year and i saw a couple of parades colide.

the gay pride parade and the jesus carrying the cross bunch.

one gay pride dude dressed only in a towel wrapped around his body and one on his head carmen miranda style got into a word battle with jesus carrying the cross.

jesus: you'll get yours IN THE END!

gay dude: I HOPE SO!

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Those are funny!

Now, who's going to be the first one to name all the states Turtle is going through?

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Hah, not me. I am geographically illiterate, sad to say.

Almost related anecdote: When my son was two years old, he could not only name every state on a map, but take a blank map and cut outs of the states and put them where they go.

By the time he was three, he lost interest in being a child prodigy.

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I love Mr. Green. I want to be just like him when I grow up

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Holy crap, those are hilarious!

That Walgreens conversation makes me think of that scene with Buffalo Bill in "Silence of the Lambs." You know. With the mangina.

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My mother yesterday talking to her sister-in-law on the phone about my Father's test results...

Mom: There's a 35% chance that it's benign... That means not cancer...

Dad: Stop telling people my test results!

Mom: [Shut-up Bill, I'm on the phone]... No, no - he won't have to have the operation... They will have to do an autopsy though...

I love my Mom and yes, she meant biopsy. Dad'll be fine, although I don't think he's ready for the autopsy yet.

Cheers, Deb

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At the checkout line in the grocery store, two college age women behind me were discussing the effects of birth control on their periods. I tried to tune it out, but caught one of them saying: "you could take one of mine...... I guess that's kinda gross"

A long time ago at Hardee's, there were two elderly couples having a meal. They were talking about a friend who was in the hospital for (and this is a direct quote) "a touch of colon cancer".

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Oh, and this isn't an overheard conversation, just some advice to some random guy at the airport: If you want to hide the fact that you're looking at a skin mag, you would do well to make sure your "cover" magazine is right-side up.

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california, nevada, utah, wyoming, colorado, nebraska, iowa, illinois, indiana, ohio, pennsylvania, new york. Actually Turtle named and rated all of them in the last post. Well all of them except Indiana.

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I keep checking the Turtle Tracker but it's not moving. I was hoping for some cool animation with dotted lines following Turtles progress.

Kind of like in Raiders of The Lost Arc when Indy's plane crosses the ocean and stuff...

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Meh. He's still in California.

He's a turtle. He moves slow.

(He's actually leaving right now)

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i'll believe it when i see it

: )

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He really left! He's on his way.

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Yay! Go Turtle, go!

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He's in Nevada!

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I wish he'd hurry the fuck up, I put money on that cat to win.

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No shit, Dan. I heard that Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise were right behind him.

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That's funny, last night he was singing the theme song to that movie.

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No, not that movie. Not Cannonball Run.

Smokey and the Bandit.

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