Sometimes the Good Die Young...And Sometimes They Just Won't Die
by Michele Christopher

We don't know what brought this one on. Probably the 80th news story I read about the revamped Van Halen or listening to the Best of Cream and wishing that the better bands stuck around longer.

Michele takes on bands that wore out their welcome and should have quit years ago.

turtle takes on the bands that were killed before their time.

Feel free to join in and tell us if we forgot anyone.

turtle wipes his eyes.

I want to be the first to say I know bands are only around for as long as they want to be and something will always happen. It's always a shame to see it, but it happens.

Let's take the big ones first.

RKL

This band was on the edge of becoming legendary, but as their name suggested, you can prolly tell why this one went wrong. When Jason quit the band, it was pretty much over. Just re-realeases for bastard labels like Mystic with grainy recordings. Then Jason died and the whole thing was one big nightmare that you wanted to be in even thou it scared the living shit out of you. Watching bands destroy themselves so quickly is like drinking a bottle of Nighttrain and popping some amphetamines in less then an hour. You knew something was going to happen, didn't know what was going to happen, but you sure as fuck wanted to feel it.sleater-kinney.jpg

Sleater Kinney

This one sucked. This band was amazing. I don't care what album everyone identifies with the most. I don't care about anything. Sure, they changed styles on almost every record and one could only hope the next one would be even better. Even the dark albums I loved. Then one day, poof, they were gone. They didn't sell out. Which maybe that kinda caused band tension when one or two people want to sell out and one doesn't. Idunno. I am guessing on that one. Just the way they were so serious but not so serious. It was a weird mix of a band. The way the did the harmonies always blew me away. Oh well.

Soundgarden

The first time I heard the first single, man, they sounded like scumbags. Good sign. I am kinda up in the air on this one because deep in my heart I do believe the band really died when the Hiro guy player left. The tunes were still good and they really had songs that were incredible late night driving songs. I guess Chris Cornell just wanted to masturbate with his voice to much. Tensions arose. Another band down. One thing you will always remember about that band is the grind. Sure, he has got a great voice, but really, the grind made that band. RIP.

The Police

Well, this one is easy. They hated each other. 'nuff said? They were at there peak when it happened. Selling out stadiums. Making millions. But, they hated each other. You will be remembered.gb1.jpg

Cream

I really don't know why they ended. Something must have happened. Not sure what, but it sucks. It was like planned or something. Oh, and by the way, does anyone else think Ginger Baker looks like Freddy Krueger on speed? - T


Michele might as well jump:

vhall.gifThe Band That Should Have Died: Van Halen.

Really, in my mind, Van Halen ceased to exist some time in 1985 after David Lee Roth left the band. For the first time. Even in 1996 when DLR decided to rejoin the band doesn’t count.

For those keeping track at home, this is the one and only Van Halen:

1974-1985:

David Lee Roth (Vocals)
Eddie Van Halen (Guitar)
Michael Anthony (Bass)
Alex Van Halen (Drums)

Anything else is a sham. A fraud. A parody of what was once a great, great thing.

Van Hagar: Ok, I really don’t have anything against Sammy Hagar himself. Let's look at it this way - let's look at it this way. I like peanut butter sandwiches. I like teriyaki sauce. That doesn't mean I would like teriyaki sauce on my peanut butter sandwich. So Sammy is ok in my book, just not as part of Van Halen.

Seriously. After rockin’ out with my cock out to songs like Runnin’ With the Devil, And The Cradle Will Rock and Unchained, I was expected to get the same feel from Why Can’t This Be Love or Dreams? I think not.

When a band changes its lead singer, the whole dynamic of the band changes. Yea, I understand that the name Van Halen belongs to Eddie and Alex, but the band and legacy belonged to Dave. Eddie may be one of the greatest guitarists to ever grace a rock and roll stage, but without DLR, the band lost its panache. They lost the heart and soul of what made a Van Halen show a magical thing. They lost a performer. Because that’s what DLR was. He was more than a singer. More than an egomaniacal fool. He was a frontman. A performer. And the best at what he did. There is no other frontman in rock and roll who, in my mind, put on a better show than David Lee Roth when he was with Van Halen. The first time.

When DLR was forced out of the band, Van Halen ceased to exist. Yea, they still had the name. They still had Eddie’s guitar. They still had the other lesser known Van Halen brother and that dude that no one could pick out of a lineup if their life depended on it. Thing is, Eddie knew this long before DLR was gone. And that’s why Dave ended up gone. Kind of hard when two ginormous egos want to share a stage and Eddie was the one with the ability to push the other ego out the door. Only room enough in his kingdom for one star. When people started associating Van Halen with Diamond Dave instead of with Eddie’s two hand tapping, something had to give. Something had to go. Dave.

And thus, the band went to hell. Like I said, nothing against Sammy. But no one can do justice to you reach down, between my legs, ease the seat back like DLR could. It was kind of sad to see VH try to be what they once were. Like watching a man in midlife crisis mode try to squeeze his gut into a Corvette. Sad. Sickening.

What? Gary Cherone? Huh? Never heard of him. Don’t know what you’re talking about. LALALALA I can’t hear you....etc.

Let me share with you something my son wrote two years ago, when he had to come up with haiku for English class:

David Lee Roth rocks
Gary Cherone doesn't count
Sammy Hagar whines

I taught the kid right.

And now we have yet another incarnation of Van Halen coming around. This time, with Wolfgang Van Halen on bass!! Please. Do not even try to tell me this isn’t about Eddie extending his ego through his son. This is like the Little League coach who lives vicariously through his kid. And yea, Diamond Dave is back. Supposedly. I don’t care. It’s still not Van Halen. Their time was done many, many years ago. What you have now is just a reheated dinner. Leftovers. Even if you throw some fresh cheese on it (and what’s cheesier than DLR?) it’s still yesterday’s crap underneath it.

Van Halen is dead. Long live Van Halen.

I leave you with the immortal words of Nerf Herder:

I bought Van Halen I
It was the best damn record I ever owned
TG&Y 1978
Two hand tapping guitar technique really got me off
Eruption yeah, ain't talkin' 'bout love, I'm on fire

Tomorrow may come
Tomorrow may never come again
Can't you hear Jamie cryin?
She's runnin' with the devil

I bought Women and Children First
Fair Warning and Van Halen II
Dance the night away
1984 my favorite record yeah I wore it down
Might as well jump

Is this what you wanted, Sammy Hagar?
Sammy Hagar, is this what you wanted, man?
Dave lost his hairline but you lost your cool buddy
Can't drive 55
I'll never buy your lousy records again
Again, again, again, never again

Oh fuck yea, I’m going to be standing on line to get tickets when they tour. And miss a chance to see Eddie play live again before the ship sets sail on his mind and body? Miss the chance to share a bonding moment with my EVH obsessed son? Miss the chance to see an aging DLR try those air splits? Not on your life. I may talk a good hate game, but yea, I will be there.

So those a few of our bands that we think stayed around too long or left us to soon.

We are sure we only touched the iceberg, so maybe you can help out.


Late Night Typing is brought to you by the David Lee Roth Appreciation Society

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Comments

The Rolling Stones are due for actual death as well as band death.

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Van Zant. Please.

I love you guys, but please. Stop.

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R.E.M.

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