Price of a Woman
by Michele Christopher

Ted Bronson is back with another guest author piece and he says he is owed.

Women, dump the change out your purse. See any nickels? Send one to me - you owe me. My wife got me thinking the other day about money in general and we vectored off to how much money it takes to find and marry the right woman. The sheer dollar figure astounded me. Let me explain why. I am an average 32 year-old American male. I spent seven years in the US Navy to defend our interests abroad and domestically. While in the Navy, I would spend at least three nights a week in bars, looking for women to meet.

Now, follow this closely:

Each bar has a cover charge of ten bucks or so and my buddies and I would go to two or three bars in an evening: $10 x 3 bars x 3 nights a week = $90 just to see and meet women. Once in the door, drinks get purchased: 3 or 4 drinks @ $4 per drink per bar = $16 x 3 bars x 3 nights a week = $175 for social lubricant. That's $265 per week x 50 weeks (two weeks off to recover) = $13,250 per year, just trying to MEET you!

If things progress with a young lady and I actually start to date her, the date-related expenses begin:

Condoms: $3 a week
Dinners: $150 per week (three dinners at 50 bucks a pop)
Movies: $40 a week ( two people for two movies, plus snacks)
Gas: $30 more a week than usual
Hotels: $100 a week if you go cheap but clean
Sub Total: $323 per week ($58 a week more than the hunting weeks) x 50 weeks =$16,150 after we meet, JUST TO KEEP YOU.newnickel.jpg

Considering that most of my relationships while I was in the Navy never had that kind of week to week continuity because I would have to go to sea at regular intervals, some of this amount can be reduced. Call it a nice round number of $10,000 a year either in pursuit of or in trying to hold on to a woman. I feel this figure is probably an underestimate, but I'll let it slide.

I was in the Navy for seven years. 7 years x $10,000 = $70,000 spent on women. Don't get me started on how much I spent in strip clubs or shopping for women too, I just don't wanna know. I met and married a fabulous woman three years after I got out of the Navy. Thank the gods. I don't know how I could have possibly maintained the pace anymore. But those three years prior to our meeting revert back to the higher totals of full time, not at sea, boyfriend-dom: {$70,000 + ($13,250 x 2)} + 16,150 = $99,400! Since I'm only a guy, I will only tack on $600 for the mental stress of having to balance my life in the pursuit of you all for a Grand Total of $100,000.

Now here is why I want a nickel from you. I figure that in my dating career, I saw or met about 2 million women. $100,000 divided by 2,000,000 = five cents. I spent ten years after I got out of high school trying to meet the perfect woman with which to share my life and raise my family. Now that I finally have, I think I deserve a rebate.

Pay up.

Dan accepts Visa and MasterCard. Leave your American Express at home.

Previously by Ted Bronson:
Men's Underwear Stinks
How To Cheat on Your Wife and Why You Shouldn't


Since I'm only a guy, I will only tack on $600 for the mental stress of having to balance my life in the pursuit of you all

you are suing them? Ya know, I hear women have good lawyers. You might wanna drop that $600 part and just go for the $99,400.


You can't put a price on your quest to find true love! That's blasphemous.

Don't get me started on the money women have to spend to even get you men to the dating part. NOTHING!


on my sheet it says you owe me.

i mean, fuck. how much does a blow job run these days?


You remember when families used to have to pay a dowery for some dude to marry their daughters?

Whatever happened to those days?

Ask me, we've lost some of our enlightenment.


Dude, I asked my wife and she says she never met you, and that she's using that nickel to buy herself somethin purty.


Hey Dan, your wife did meet me...and I want my nickel back.


I guess I'd have to find that rather offensive if I wasn't talking to myself, my wife apparently not being worth a nickel and all.


we are all dan's today


I want in on this too


This is why I tell all the women I date that I can't pay because I donate all my money to Ethiopian orphanages.


i think we all as dan's should get a Dan Discount on our women folk.


My name is Dan and I have come for your women.


When Black Friday comes, I'll collect everything I'm owed.


You sir, are a genius. I shall start my own petition. Though I think I'm only owed around $2.75


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