I remember being really excited when my husband and I began seriously dating, not because I thought I had found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with (well, that too, I guess), but because I wanted to steal his CDs and claim them as my own wonderful expansion to my collection. I was right. The collection definitely expanded, just not in the way I had hoped. When I realized that there were suddenly King Diamond albums next to KMFDM, I knew that it wasn't exactly what I had bargained for a life partner. But, I can't be entirely disappointed, since he did bring with him David Bowie's Black Tie Live import album.

I really love the convenience of the age of MP3 files and I use them to listen to almost all of my music throughout the course of the day. But I still can't help but miss indulging in my CD collection for which I buy less and less and listen to not even half as much. Although it's not the priority that it used to be, I still take a lot of pride in it and I've always been all about keeping it immaculately alphabetized and intact. Everyone that comes in my house knows I am the Compact Disc Nazi and if you're caught mixing Stiff Little Fingers in with X-Ray Specs, you will be branded and deported. Or, you know, probably just told to put it back in the right place. Whatever.

Unfortunately, along with the King Diamond, my husband came without any of the basic Cardinal Compact Disc Owning Rules.

For those of you who may be unaware (and shame on you):

RULE 1: All CD's shall remain alphabetized at all times for instant access capabilities. Also, keeping them in alphabetical order takes away from the priorities of favorites so that no one will ever think that you believe ABBA is more important to you than the Clash.

RULE 2: All CD Covers must remain inside their rightful jewel cases. If you need to figure out the lines to ****, fine, but for the love of God, put it back.

RULE 3: All CD's are only to be placed back in their original cases. If you are listening to MC5 and decide you're more in the mood for Iron Maiden (which? why?!!), it is NEVER okay to the place High Time CD in the Number Of The Beast case. No one wants to have to follow a trail of shitty 80's metal in order to find what they were primarily looking for.

RULE 4: Cracked jewel cases are to be replaced. Seriously. They're like, 10 cents a piece. Shake the change out of your couch cushions and show your collection a little respect. I'm begging.

RULE 5, THE Cardinal Compact Disc Owning Rule: It is never okay to leave a CD laying around out of it's case. NEVER. Even if you're having a heart attack as you're removing the CD from the stereo, it only takes 15 seconds to place the CD in it's case and snap it shut, leaving you plenty of time to dial Emergency Rescue. Remember, people: Priorities.

Fairly simple, right?

After years of reciting these rules ad nauseum, my husband has started getting the hang of them. Or, at least, I thought so. Until last night, when I opened up a Subhuman's case only to discover Megadeth's Peace Sells CD staring up at me. My initial reaction was to scowl the rules at him in the thickest German accent possible, but I didn't because I realized that it's not his fault. The effects of all this shitty 80's metal has clearly spread to his brain. Hopefully, it's not contagious.

FTTW is going to give Rock Star Mommy King Diamond's No Presents For Christmas this year. In a cracked case.

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