The Shopping Maul
by Michele Christopher

So tonight, we decided to go old style LNT. Pick a topic and go with it. Sometimes these work and sometimes they suck, but I always find it funny how much both of us wander off from the beaten path. I mean we both started out with the same idea, but, well, hell, let's see where we go with it.

Tonight's topic...Shopping Malls.

Turtle wants you off of his lawn.

It's shopping season. Yay. Like you guys didn't know something like this wouldn't come out sooner or later. It seems there are a few different types of people in the world. Well, let me be a little clearer. Different types of shopping personalities. There is the "First Thing In The Morning" crowd who will fight you tooth and nail to get that 50 percent rebate. The you have the "Fuck It. It's Too Cold" crowd. You will usually find them out the last few days of Christmas cause someone has to buy the gifts. Then there are the "Screw the Discount, Let's Buy It Online and Stay At Home" crowd.

Seems I fit nicely into the "Online" crowd. So this is my camp. I don't really need to fight traffic, last minute or first minute, to get any kind of deal. And because of my personality, the last minute thing would not work for me. I'll be the first to say I hate malls. Don't get me wrong. It's not all about hating the people there. I think it is more about the way marketers have really used and abused the Christmas market (hey, it is their job to do it, so I can't really bitch.) But, it always is funny to me how kids now whip out these outrageous lists with all this shit on them (can't blame them, so I blame society.) that will be obsolete before the snow stops. Watch them drool over this crap that will just be replaced in a few months by the new thing.playdoh.jpg Almost trained in their minds that even if this gift sucks, it doesn't really matter cause their birthday is in six months, so if it sucks they can just get the new one that will be out soon.

/end rant

I guess I really shouldn't bitch. I mean hell, if I was in a position to do it, I sure as fuck would do it too. I mean maybe it's just jealousy on my part when I see kids getting all this crap they will use for a few months then store away in a garage when the next version comes out.

Maybe I miss the Christmas spirit, but still something happened. I don't know when all this tech shit became a must have for every kid, and I'm not that old, but, I sure as fuck missed it whenever it happened.

Who knows. But one good thing that came of all of my being jaded in this way is that I get to bitch about all the little kids using all their parents in some sort of sad "I love you, so why can't you get it for me?" way.

But, then there is the flip of the coin.

I mean really, if you can afford it, why not.

I don't know.

/really ending rant this time


Some of the things I really hate about going out to malls is just watching these people there. Really, you can see the true nature of humanity in any mall.

I have taken the time to describe some of the more well known mall breeders. As always, great care should be taken in observing them.

Shoppingforshiticus Americus are the true devils of the mall. They will focus on what you are looking at and wander over. Their keen eyes know you have found something that sparkled your eye and whatever the fuck it is, they want some too. These are the ones who will watch the feeding grounds and pounce on anyone who has found something. They are usually easy to find and track because of their enormous asses and frequent references to "Dr. Phil".11-17-04santa_story.jpg

Thisismyspoticus Parkingloticus are easily found because of their poor attempt at staying camouflaged in a parking lot. Usually slow and dim witted. Often overweight because of an apparent lack of concern for anything but waiting for that next spot to open up ten feet closer to the goal. The elusive mall. These beast are at their weakest when theycompletely give up and decide to rest in the middle of the lot and just wait for a car to leave. This is the time to strike, mien readers. Generous amounts of mucus can then be applied on this monster as you walk by.

Youarenotthatinterestingicus Mallphoneicus are easy to observe, but to do it, you must go inside the dreaded mall. They gather together in groups of two to six. Never alone. They will walk side by side with a phone in their ear each talking to other people and ignoring their companion who also happens to be on the phone. This species is a close relative to Youarenotthatinterestingicus Outtodinnerphoneicus except that this species will talk on the phone while the companion twiddles their thumbs until the Youarenotthatinterestingicus Outtodinnerphoneicus gets of the phone.

And the last species I will describe tonight is my favorite.

Iknowihavetoshopsomightaswelldoitdrunkicus Whateverthatlooksgoodicus. These are truly beasts of wonder. They have the ability to go into a mall and grab everything they wanted in under fifteen minutes. Usually alone but sometimes seen with a female of another species, Shutupandtellmethetruthicus from the family of Doyouthinktheywilllikethisicus. Although the male Iknowihavetoshopsomightaswelldoitdrunkicus Whateverthatlooksgoodicus will only respond with a "whatever" or a "can we just go now?" it is well known that this species has smokes and will ask, or rather, beg to join you outside to smoke for a few minutes until the female Shutupandtellmethetruthicus Doyouthinktheywilllikethisicus tracks him down and drags him back in. There is nothing you can do for this poor soul now.

So in the end, I have told you about the more well known mall species, but I am sure you will discover them and many more as you jaunt out to the wilds of Maulland.

Enjoy! - T

michele goes all bad santa on you:

Mallergy. An allergy to malls; ascribed to one who has an adverse reaction upon entering a mall. Symptoms may include hives, high blood pressure, crawling skin, a nervous twitch or the uncontrollable urge to kill. Symptoms may be made worse by close proximity to screaming, snotty nosed children, bargain hunters, wise-ass teenagers, or an Abercrombie & Fitch store. The only known remedy to this allergy is to immediately vacate the mall and head to the nearest bar or crack dealer. It has been said that another remedy exists, one which involves a sub machine gun and a lot of blood, but the evidence on this is out, as anyone who has ever tried it ended up dead themselves. It should be noted, however, that they all died with smiles on their faces.

I hate shopping.

hotsanta.jpgIt doesn't have to be the Christmas season for me to loathe going to the mall, but it sure makes the pain and agony ten times worse than going any other time of year. I can't tell you exactly what makes my mallergy flare up so acutely, but I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I hate crowds, I hate people, I hate spending money, I hate roving gangs of giggling 13 year old gangs, I hate the senior citizen power walkers who use the mall as their personal indoor track, I hate the soccer moms in designer sweatsuits, their only workout of the day being carrying around several large Nordstrom bags out to the valet parking area. I hate the overpowering stench of the perfume whores in front of every department store, I hate the music wars that go on between clothing stores so the volume of whatever crap they are playing gets louder and louder as the day progresses. I hate the Hot Topic kids with their noisy pants and long bangs and petulant frowns who hang out in the food court all day and make faces at the people eating animal products. I hate the whiny little monsters in the toy stores. I hate the mall. I hate the mall. I hate the mall.

The only thing I hate more than the mall is the mall at Christmastime. I know, shop online, you say. Avoid the crowds. But when you live from check to check and the only check that you'll be able to Christmas shop with comes ten days before Christmas, shopping online is kind of out of the question. Yes, I'm a last minute shopper. By default, not choice. So I have no choice but to brave the mall, brave A&F and Hot Topic and PacSun and all the stores where the clientele - and usually the staff - makes me want to shout something about getting off my lawn. Or whip out my machine gun.

Between the bell ringing of the "drop some coin in my bucket or I'll stare you down like you are bad, bad person" Santas, the Christmas music blaring out of every corner of the mall, the crying kids waiting on line to see some old, drunk dude with a fake beard, the overheard conversations involving some mother spending $700 on a pair of shoes for her darling daughter and the shoving and pushing of the massive crowds, it's enough to make me fantasize about ripping off my clothes and running naked through the malls screaming "DEATH TO CHRISTMAS! DEATH TO SANTA! FROSTY THE SNOWMAN WAS A TERRORIST!"

Instead, I make it about fifteen minutes before I'm gasping for air, waiting for a panic attack to happen. I walk out of the mall, back to my car and hope like hell that everyone will just love a gift card good at a variety of chain restaurants.

I go home and write a letter to Santa.

Dear Fat Fuck,

You lying sack of shit. All these years I sat on your lap and smiled at you and told you what I want for Christmas and you never once followed through on anything. Don't think I don't remember that one year you promised me the Chrissy doll with the magic growing hair. All I got was a generic Barbie Doll from the five and dime. And she didn't even have boobs. Year after year, you lied to me and to millions of other kids. You offer nothing but illusions and false hope. And who has to clean up the mental mess you leave with your idle promises? The parents, that's who. You strut around for a full month before Christmas at malls and parades and firehouses with your HOHOHO and your little midget friends pretending that you are actually going to drop presents down the chimneys of all good little girls and boys. We hear you. We see you. And we know you are full of shit, you sadistic bastard. You know damn well that we are the ones who are going to have to run to the mall and get everything you promised our kid while he sat on your lap and don't think I didn't see the way you looked at him or where your hand was trying to go, either. You god damn pervert.

Well, I've had it, Santa. Homie don't play that anymore. This Christmas, my kids are getting nothing. And you know what I'm going to tell them? I'm going to tell them that Santa is a liar and a known sex offender in six states. I'm going to tell them everything, fat boy. Your ruse is up. They will tell their friends and their friends will tell some more friends and so on and so on until every kid (except the Jewish kids, they'll just sit back and be amused at the whole thing) on the planet is going to band together and come after you, Claus. You don't fuck with kids expecting presents. They will be angry.

Don't think I wont' do it. I will. Because I refuse to spend another December 23rd in the mall trying to keep myself from stabbing everyone in the face with an ice pick. This is all on you, lardass. You've lied to your last child. Be prepared for wrath.

Yea, ok. So that was more for mental therapy than anything else. But it felt good. I got some of that out of my system.

Anyhow, if you read any news reports about a naked woman lighting a mall on fire while screaming BURN BABY BURN, SANTA INFERNO!, you can email turtle and ask where you can contribute to my bail fund. - M

So those are our initial takes on the hell holes we like to call "a waste of a day." Sure, I'm sure alot of you like them and more power to you if you do, but for these two, we hate them.

There are a few other things we all hate at malls and we know that we just scratched the surface.

But the big question is, what do you hate about shopping malls?

Michele and Turtle are doing all their Christmas shopping at 7-11



Considering how attractive malls are to the great American unwashed, have you ever considered that the Mall of America in Minneapolis would make a great terrorist target?



I don't mind malls, I just never find anything worth buying there.


malls used to literally send me into panic attacks.

can't remember when it happened, because i used to hang out at the mall when i was a kid. whatever fuck you i was suburban so mom used to drop me off at the mall where i would smoke cigarettes (INSIDE!!!) and curse and make your mom hate me.

but then i realized everyone wanted my money and i started to freak out. i was okay until the advent of the kiosk. there used to be some room in the middle to get away from the money grubbing sales people but now they're OUT IN THE MIDDLE TRYING TO MAKE YOU LOOK AT THIS BATTERY OPERATED FLYING THING OR ROLLY TRIP-YOUR-ASS COLORED THING!!


i'm NOT going to the mall this year. i'll stick with crappy city strip malls thanks.


i was okay until the advent of the kiosk. there used to be some room in the middle to get away from the money grubbing sales people but now they're OUT IN THE MIDDLE TRYING TO MAKE YOU LOOK AT THIS BATTERY OPERATED FLYING THING OR ROLLY TRIP-YOUR-ASS COLORED THING!!

You nailed it. Those kiosk things are annoying and they make the mall feel claustrophobic. And they never sell anything useful.


you guys don't think those "relaxation waterfalls" are useful?

and yes, I've been wondering when the Mall of America is going to be hit too.


I don't have an allergy to malls, per se, more like an allergy to people and stupid.


Chrsitmas is the only time of the year I wish I owned a junkyard like Fred Sanford.

Then I could just go outside and grab a few car air freshners from some beat up cars and my christmas shopping is done



Man, I worked in a mall for a few years and it's fucking hilarious. The closer you get to Christmas, the less Christmas spirit people have. I could draw a graph or pie chart.

I've seen fistfights break out on Christmas Eve over trivial shit like a place in line or a copy of fucking Navy Seals or some such bullshit.

The best part is that I was paid to be there and I was usually high, and the customers were there to spend their money, and they had to be there because they'd procrastinated since last year. Like you didn't know it was coming.

Working Christmas Eve and Boxing Day? Fuck it dude, just watch the customers. There are so many people worse off than you are.


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