Travis’ List Of Topics You Should Not Talk About Over Thanksgiving Dinner
by Travis Gruber
I’m a big fan of comedy, pretty much in any form, as long as it’s offensive. Often times when working on an update I listen to a certain brand of comedy in order to get myself in the correct mental state. Sometimes the comedy is mildly offensive, i.e, Dave Attel. Other times the comedy is really offensive: Doug Stanhope. And sometimes, when it’s really called for it I have to dip into the secret stash of the most offensive (and sometimes my favorite) style of comedy... the comedic styling of Lil’ Jimmy Norton.
You see, I got an email from the editors here at FTTW explaining that my column would go up on Thanksgiving and due to this fact would probably only be read by me and the couple of pity comments I receive from the staff. As a matter of fact I’m going to test this theory: The first person, not an editor or a staff writer here at FTTW, to email me here will get a dollar deposited into their pay-pal account. That’s right you’ll get a dollar. Hey fuck you buddy, I’m poor.
Moving right along.
As I was saying: They emailed me explaining that I could write about Thanksgiving or any topic I please. So I chose to reach into the secret stash and pull out the Norton. I’ll even site my sources on this. This is based on Jim Norton’s famous List of Lists. Everyone knows that you should never discuss Politics or Religion at Thanksgiving dinner but there’s bound to be a lot more topics that should not be brought up as you’re passing the cranberries. So pay attention folks, all two and a half of you reading this, as I now give to you, out of the kindness of my heart.
1. The number of sexual experiences grandma had as a teenager during prohibition.
2. How many bottles of Jack Daniels grandpa drinks while watching snuff films in the basement.
3. The number of pairs of panties you’ve sniffed after breaking into a sorority.
4. Your favorite porno movies, based on how many double anal scenes there are.
5. Favorite public places you’ve taken a crap; according to how well irrigated the playground was.
6. Number of times Uncle Earl will feel up your younger sister after he’s had a 24 pack of Milwaukee’s Best.
7. How long it’s been since your Father got a blow job
8. How many times your mother’s been disappointed sexually by hired help: The mailman, the pool boy, the illegal immigrant gardener.
9. Things you’ve stuffed up your ass according to which celebrity they looked like.
10. Favorite role playing games you and your girlfriend have played (especially not good at your inlaws)
11. The last time you attended a Donkey Show.
12. The best hookers that Grandpa purchased while serving in the Navy: Based on how much they looked like major league baseball players. (this one could possibly include Grandpa saying things like, “And I honestly felt like I was cornholing Mickey Mantle.”)
13. How often you’ve set your pubes on fire to impress a girl.
14. Poor Aunt Sally’s favorite recipes that include dog food.
15. Your amazing knowledge of pro-wrestling history and minutia. Yeah that’s me.
16. Your multiple accounts on Adult Friend Finder.
17. The good deeds you’ve done that could be misconstrued as hate crimes.
18. You’re favorite scenes from Apocalypse Now to masturbate to.
19. Shameful things your mom has done in order to hitch hike across America.
20. Truckers named Chuck and their silly little ideas of what your mouth could be better used for.
21. X-rated home movies you’ve made involving a blow up doll of Disney’s Ariel from the Little Mermaid.
22. Your younger brother’s misadventures in self discovery.
23. Memories of Easter Sundays that have been ruined by methamphetamines.
24. Dildos you’ve found on the highway. (I’ve found at least one. Anybody else?)
25. The pros and cons of piercing your dick.
Now that there’s only me reading this, I promise to send myself two dollars so that next time I go to the strip club I have appropriate tip money. I hope you people are enjoying your Thanksgiving. I’m spending mine alone and by the time anyone reads this I will be drunk, naked, and covered in a thin coat of spray on latex. You can never be too careful.
what's this no editor bullshit rule?
Posted by: some pissed off editor | November 23, 2006 12:37 AM
by default you have to read this in order for it to go online. still waiting for that comment. Nice choice of pictures by the way
Posted by: Travis | November 23, 2006 12:57 AM
We don't actually read anything we publish, unless we write it. FTTW LLC. (and it's various subsidiaries) is powered by a very sophisticated Artificial Intelligence that skims through every article, chooses pictures that are 5% relevant, and formats them according to recent reading habits.
It works pretty well. I mean, I didn't even write this comment.
Posted by: thefinn | November 23, 2006 7:28 AM
I could be totally dishonest and leave someone else's name on my comment, but the editors of FTTW would never stoop to something so low.
Posted by: michele | November 23, 2006 7:30 AM
Great list, Travis. Happy Thanksgiving!
Posted by: Mike Hunt | November 23, 2006 7:32 AM
26. Half-empty bottles of liquor you've found in back alleys and which of your retarded college buddy you've convinced to finish them off.
Posted by: baby huey | November 23, 2006 7:45 AM
fuck i never find anything interesting on the side of the road.
Posted by: pril | November 23, 2006 8:21 AM
27. The fact that you may, or may not, in fact be an Islamic terrorist and that the turkey may, or may not, be set to explode.
Posted by: Cullen | November 23, 2006 8:57 AM
28. How to have sex with a dolphin
Posted by: turtle | November 23, 2006 11:19 AM
Pril, get thee to the ghetto of Cleveland. It'll work.
Posted by: baby huey | November 23, 2006 11:20 AM
has anyone got the dollar yet?
jeez. it's only 8 in California. He's probably still loaded from last night...
Posted by: turtle | November 23, 2006 11:27 AM
What's wrong with a little Dungeons and Dragons between lovers?
Posted by: Tim | November 23, 2006 12:21 PM
Damn, Turtle, you read my mind. I've been looking for a good dolphin fucking guide. Thanks!
Posted by: Joel Caris | November 23, 2006 3:39 PM
okay so the link I coded sucks. email me at htkpeeps at gmail.com for your dollar.
Posted by: Travis | November 23, 2006 10:14 PM
Shit, someone got the dollar before me.
Posted by: heidi | November 24, 2006 11:53 PM