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We Watched Too Much TV
by Michele Christopher
Sometimes we have no idea what we are going to write about at night. We sit down in the FTTW headquarters and look at each other and we just wait for the other one to say something first. To have that grand idea. So tonight one of us blurted out "tv reunions we'd like to see" and we both just kind of shrugged in that "I really just want to get on the couch and watch tv so let's write the first thing that comes to mind" way. And an idea was born.
Michele tells you the Facts of Life:
I'm sure they had a reunion once upon a time, but that's neither here nor there. This is MY reunion. The way I always thought it would happen. Because you knew when the show ended that at some point they would all get back together when their money started to run out and they needed to milk the 80s trivia craze for all it was worth.
So what happened to the Facts of Life girls? Where are they now? And i don't mean the actresses that played them. I mean the girls we knew and loved. Lisa, Jo, Tootie, Blair and those other minor characters whose names we forgot as soon as each episode ended. Where would they be almost 20 years after Eastland Academy closed its doors?
Maybe that's just me.
Tootie spent a couple of years in a professional roller derby league until some chick named Atilla the Honey kicked her in the face during a heated game. She then joined the WWF as FrankenTootie. She defeated that dude who played Screech on Saved by the Bell in the Former Child Celebrities Who Can't Find Work steel cage match.
Then there's Natalie. Natalie eventually slimmed down to a respectable 97 lbs, thanks to a steady diet of methamphetamine and a night job as a "dancer" at a "gentleman's club." She left the club in 1993 and opened up her own escort service, but eventually gave that up when she found Jesus. Unfortunately, the Jesus she found was an unemployed day laborer who lived in a cardboard box just outside of Binghamton, NY. And he didn't save her so much as pimp her out to support his addiction to Hostess pies. As it goes with these things, he dragged Natalie into his addiction and she eventually ballooned back to 300 lbs and had to leave Jesus because she could no longer fit in the cardboard box.
As for Mrs. Garrett, she showed up at the reunion, took one look at what her girls had become and hung herself from a tree on the run down lot of what used to be Edna's Edibles.
The reunion show centers around Mrs. Garrett's funerals and the girls all placing blame on each other for her death.
But don't despair. There's one scene where Jo and Blair kiss just to get that 20 year sexual tension out of the way. So you've got that going for you if you tune in.
Listen. I was going to do the Flintstones reunion. So in the end, remember that what you just read is ten times better than what you could have read about Barney Rubble's appearence on COPS: Bedrock or Wilma's battle with her demons. You can read that all in Pebbles, The Untold Story, anyhow. -M
Turtle goes to Beverly. Hills, that is:
This was a hard one for me. I mean really, the obvious choice for to go with would be LHOTP, that's Little house to you n00bs, but meh, they are all old and half dead. There are so many cast members on that show, to me, it would look like one big love in.
Getting a show back together that was focused on young people is hard. Specially when they are all old now. No bueno, big guy. We have to start with a series where they were old to begin with, or just old people playing younger roles, and imagine them being the same characters x amount of years later.
Not many shows can do that. Well, I pulled one out.
Beverly Hills 902whateverthefuck
Brandon Walsh - Still the same boring, rational normal person. Not a whole hell of a lot to do with him there. Maybe he is on his third wife and fourth ulcer. The high point in his life was reaching the fifth ladder in his company's indoor squash league. Not much to do with him. The kinda guy who would loan you money even thou he knew he would never get it back from you. Maybe he gets caught up in some insider trading and gets sent to jail. We could get "A Very Special Prison Rape" episode out of him. Like I said, not much to work with here.
Brenda Walsh - Ok. We have a goldmine here. She is the "unstable" one. So, much like the original story, this series would take place in many different settings. A nut house would be one. Every week another cast member troubled by the thoughts of something that happened to him or her in the past will go to the loony bin and have a seance with Brenda while trying to get her daily dose of calcium by milking her rats.
We could work with her.
Jim and Cindy Walsh - Well there has to be some kind of spice in the show. I mean hell, it is the 00's so we have a little more leeway to work with the characters and expand on what they are really like. Well, sad to say, these guys are kinda the same. Cept now they own a bustling porn store. Hm. Still not seeing much to work with here. I guess we could have them selling methamphetamine out the back door of the store. Still not a whole hell of a lot to work with here.
Steve Sanders - Steve finally accepted his sexuality and addiction to animal porn. He is now is a goat herder going by the name of Master Blaster. We could work with this one. Maybe once a month, he wanders out of the mountains and hits up the Walsh's for some speed and lube and heads back to the hills after selling his homemade goat screwing videos. Hm. And if you think about it, that could bring the Walsh's back into the storyline. Well, a little bit. After all, they weren't really on the original show that much and really, watch an entire hour of goat sex videos and how they corrupt the youth of America? That's pushing it.
Kelly Taylor - She was one of the blonde's. Well, this one screams for drug addiction. Like that Cuban Scarface guy addiction. Living in a big mansion, filled with guns and tweaked out of her mind. Hm. That would only swing for about an hour before she does something stupid like shooting the wrong person and then she would be killed.
That would be a hell of an hour, thou.
So we can work her in somewhere.
Donna Martin - The other blond. Well, at this point in her carrier, one would hope that she realized that she is just ugly and even if god himself came down with a scalpel and carved her face up himself, that broad just got hit too many times by the ugly stick for any kind of god to help her.
So she probably joined a cult or something.
Once again. Not much to work with.
Dylan McKay - After years of dealing with his own personal demons and a lot of drugs, he turned into one of those god damn annoying motherfuckers from AA who always want to know how your day is going and if you are "in the right place." You know those guys who always hug you and "he would go thru hell with you to keep you sober."
Hey, don't get me wrong, but those are the first guys to go out. So I guess we could work with him. Maybe an intervention of Kelly. Hm. Maybe this could work. Kelly with a gun to Dylan's head while he prayed for her soul before she was shot in the back by Lupe from Columbia.
We got a little more to work with here.
Let's not stop now.
David Silver - Now Dr. Silver. Inventor of the Negro-a-lizer. Dr. Silver found a way to fully turn himself into a black man. Now a proud member of Black Panthers Reux in Oakland, California, he lives within the projects fighting crime with his crime busting sidekick, the Milk Chicken. I see a tie in with Steve fighting David to stop him from making goat sex films while the Milk Chicken takes on Steve's mighty herd of goats.
We could work with this.
Andrea Zuckerman-Vasquez - She's doing something Jewish. Not sure if we could work her in too much on this one. We might have to get her killed off early.
Jesse Vasquez - He's doing something Latino. Not sure if we could work him in too much on this one. We might have to get him killed off early.
Nat Bussichio - The Peach Pit. This has to be burned down. Or did it already get burned down? No matter what happened back then, it happened again and now Nat is living in a cardboard box, sipping off his fortified wine waiting for the death of all cowards as he goes to sleep every night behind an old porn store. We could work with this. Steve, selling his goat porn, recognizes Nat in the alleyway.
Ok. So what do we have to work with here. Somehow I have a feeling this whole story will be told thru the eyes of Nat. Every few hours he will regain consciousness and watch Steve buying dope and selling goat porn from the Walsh's.
Dylan would be all god boy on us and try to help Kelly out of her addictions, but I guess that really doesn't matter cause we are killing of Kelly pretty quick anyways. Nat could watch all the Colombians jumping her mansion walls to kill her.
The Andrea and Jesse could go organize some kinda of rally. Like some kind of Manuel Rosenbaum Charity drive to feed the illegal Jewish migrant workers. So I guess we can use them after all.
Donna would have to be handing out flowers to old bums, Nat included, to join them in their "Cult of Ugly."
Somehow I have to work in Brenda and Brandon.
I'm still working on that one.
I guess they could become lovers. - T
So that's the reunion shows that played out in our mind after maybe inhaling too many fumes from the propane tank on the grill. What reunion shows would you like to see? And don't say Flintstones, because we are representing Pebbles in her fight for get her book released.
Turtle and Michele only watch education cartoons now. You can learn a lot from a talking milk shake.