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where's my flying car?
by Michele Christopher
They told us there would be flying cars. And self cleaning houses. And robots that did everything but wiped your ass for you. Not sure who "they" are. Maybe some evil cabal of evil scientists who preyed on the sci fi geeks among us who wanted a future so bright got to wear x-ray vision shades. So where is all this shit? Where is the automated future they promised us? Where are our damn flying cars? Hell if we know, but we're going to complain about it.
Michele gets on her flying car soapbox:
I got interested in the future at a pretty young age, thanks to some crappy rock music. 1969. I'm seven years old and stuck in Roscoe NY for another summer watching all my cousins swim in the lake I refuse to go in because it tried to eat me. Yea, that's a whole other story. But I'm sitting on this porch with my mother and she's listening to the only radio station they got out in the sticks there and this song comes and I'm thinking, "what the fuck is that sound? Is that....mariachi music?"
No. It was just Zager and Evans.
In the year 2525
Man will fly! Cars would have wings! We will live underwater and on the moon! We will travel, to other countries in the blink of an eye!
So I waited. I waited for the underwater cities and the milk that would never go bad and the pills you could take instead of eating. I waited for hovercrafts and machines that would give me superhero powers and beds that would make themselves.
So I waited. I waited for Rosie the Robot and the kitchen that would clean itself and something that would help me turn that asshole across the street into a fly.
I waited for my god damn flying car.
Listen, I don't want to hear your logical explanation as to why we don't have flying cars. I don't want to hear about sky high traffic jams and air traffic control. I. Want. My. Flying. Car. They promised me. In 1969. I think that was ample enough time for them to come up with some kind of air safety plan for cars.
So what happened to all these things? What happened to push button meals and space pads and underwaters cities and smell-o-vision and personal spaceships? Where did the future go? Why doesn't the world look like Cloud City? Why is it that the only predictions to come true from that damn book were the ones we didn't want to come true?
I think about that song sometimes, too.
In the year 6565
Well, I think they might have been a few years off on that one. I think you can do that already. See, some of this shit comes true. Why can't my stuff be reality?
I want my flying car, damn it. The scientists and speculators promised me there would be spaceships and mental telepathy. I want my x-ray vision and I want to teleport and I want it now, not twenty years from now when sure, I'll probably get a hologram Danzig, but I'll still have to clean my own damn kitchen. -M
turtle looks back and cries.
hm. Tough one. Well, I guess to me, it's not so much as what they promised me, but more of what I wanted. That doesn't make sense. Lemmie try again. I wanted a cure for this or that but no one ever seemed to really try to help me out with my wants. Sure, I still want a cure for addiction other than abstinence cause abstinence sucks. I, personally, would like some kind of pill I could pop after a beer that would allow me to not end up in an alleyway the next morning in somestrange town wondering what happened to my clothes. But, since I kinda like my clothes and my money, I think I'll have to stick with theabstinence rule. Dammit. I blame my father for my drug and alcohol problems. Or my mother. Cause it's not my fault.
See, this is one thing I hate about society today. Back when I was a kid, people always kept their mouths shut about a friends drinking problem. I don't know who the fuck brought up this intervention shit, but I sure as fuck liked it better when someone was told "daddy was just tired" rather than "we need to crate himup and detox him."
What ever happened to the great family values like shut the fuck up about your friends problems and fetch another 12 pack before it hits two cause I'm not in the mood to hit Reno again?
And speaking of that, beer runs would have been a hell of a lot faster if we had transporters. I mean really. Instead of grabbing a case and running out of a liquor store at 3 in the morning, you could just grab it and be teleported out of the store back to some late night cartoons. Yes, I know what you are thinking. A teleporter would destroy the beer industry and all the income generated by the government on DUI fines, but really, it sure would be a lot more fun being beamed out of there instead of having some pissed of liquor store owner chasing you with a baseball bat.
I also thought we would have some cool new weapons by now. I mean great, we have kick as stuff now, but I know with only a little hard work, we can make those weapons smaller, harder and faster. So small you could stick up your ass and still nail a communist at 200 yards between his red beady eyes.
So in the end, I want a pill that will allow me to be able to drink forever, a teleporter to steal beer, and a weapon that could kill anyone with a simple fart.
God Bless America. - T
So those are just a few of the things we were promised in the days of yore, but there are more. Some of us want to live in clouds while others just want to get loaded and fire rockets out of our ass. It is a strange world and in the end, we want our stuff now. So what were you promised as a kid that was completely forgotten about?