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where's my flying car? by Michele Christopher
They told us there would be flying cars. And self cleaning houses. And robots that did everything but wiped your ass for you. Not sure who "they" are. Maybe some evil cabal of evil scientists who preyed on the sci fi geeks among us who wanted a future so bright got to wear x-ray vision shades. So where is all this shit? Where is the automated future they promised us? Where are our damn flying cars? Hell if we know, but we're going to complain about it. Michele gets on her flying car soapbox: I got interested in the future at a pretty young age, thanks to some crappy rock music. 1969. I'm seven years old and stuck in Roscoe NY for another summer watching all my cousins swim in the lake I refuse to go in because it tried to eat me. Yea, that's a whole other story. But I'm sitting on this porch with my mother and she's listening to the only radio station they got out in the sticks there and this song comes and I'm thinking, "what the fuck is that sound? Is that....mariachi music?" No. It was just Zager and Evans. In the year 2525
Man will fly! Cars would have wings! We will live underwater and on the moon! We will travel, to other countries in the blink of an eye!
So I waited. I waited for the underwater cities and the milk that would never go bad and the pills you could take instead of eating. I waited for hovercrafts and machines that would give me superhero powers and beds that would make themselves.
So I waited. I waited for Rosie the Robot and the kitchen that would clean itself and something that would help me turn that asshole across the street into a fly. I waited for my god damn flying car. Listen, I don't want to hear your logical explanation as to why we don't have flying cars. I don't want to hear about sky high traffic jams and air traffic control. I. Want. My. Flying. Car. They promised me. In 1969. I think that was ample enough time for them to come up with some kind of air safety plan for cars. So what happened to all these things? What happened to push button meals and space pads and underwaters cities and smell-o-vision and personal spaceships? Where did the future go? Why doesn't the world look like Cloud City? Why is it that the only predictions to come true from that damn book were the ones we didn't want to come true? I think about that song sometimes, too. In the year 6565 Well, I think they might have been a few years off on that one. I think you can do that already. See, some of this shit comes true. Why can't my stuff be reality? I want my flying car, damn it. The scientists and speculators promised me there would be spaceships and mental telepathy. I want my x-ray vision and I want to teleport and I want it now, not twenty years from now when sure, I'll probably get a hologram Danzig, but I'll still have to clean my own damn kitchen. -M turtle looks back and cries. hm. Tough one. Well, I guess to me, it's not so much as what they promised me, but more of what I wanted. That doesn't make sense. Lemmie try again. I wanted a cure for this or that but no one ever seemed to really try to help me out with my wants. Sure, I still want a cure for addiction other than abstinence cause abstinence sucks. I, personally, would like some kind of pill I could pop after a beer that would allow me to not end up in an alleyway the next morning in somestrange town wondering what happened to my clothes. But, since I kinda like my clothes and my money, I think I'll have to stick with theabstinence rule. Dammit. I blame my father for my drug and alcohol problems. Or my mother. Cause it's not my fault. See, this is one thing I hate about society today. Back when I was a kid, people always kept their mouths shut about a friends drinking problem. I don't know who the fuck brought up this intervention shit, but I sure as fuck liked it better when someone was told "daddy was just tired" rather than "we need to crate himup and detox him." What ever happened to the great family values like shut the fuck up about your friends problems and fetch another 12 pack before it hits two cause I'm not in the mood to hit Reno again? And speaking of that, beer runs would have been a hell of a lot faster if we had transporters. I mean really. Instead of grabbing a case and running out of a liquor store at 3 in the morning, you could just grab it and be teleported out of the store back to some late night cartoons. Yes, I know what you are thinking. A teleporter would destroy the beer industry and all the income generated by the government on DUI fines, but really, it sure would be a lot more fun being beamed out of there instead of having some pissed of liquor store owner chasing you with a baseball bat. I also thought we would have some cool new weapons by now. I mean great, we have kick as stuff now, but I know with only a little hard work, we can make those weapons smaller, harder and faster. So small you could stick up your ass and still nail a communist at 200 yards between his red beady eyes. So in the end, I want a pill that will allow me to be able to drink forever, a teleporter to steal beer, and a weapon that could kill anyone with a simple fart. God Bless America. - T So those are just a few of the things we were promised in the days of yore, but there are more. Some of us want to live in clouds while others just want to get loaded and fire rockets out of our ass. It is a strange world and in the end, we want our stuff now. So what were you promised as a kid that was completely forgotten about?
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Throwing myself into worrying about 2525 seemed like a much better way to spend the rest of the summer. I started to think about man v. machine scenarios and robots and an unthinking, unfeeling human race. Wheels were turning in my mind. The future, when seen through the eyes of a really bad novelty song, seemed pretty scary. I needed to know what other people thought the future would bring. So when we got home from Roscoe that August, I headed straight for the library and took out a pile of books on predictions for the future and some sci fi novels for good measure.
Hey, a girl's gotta dream. Some girls my age were dreaming about their first kiss or being a prima ballerina. I was dreaming about being entertained by a hologram David Cassidy or wearing rocket powered shoes.
Stumble It!
Comments
But if the car flies on beer, what am I going to drink?
You know, at this point, I wish they would just stop talking about the flying cars. It's not going to happen, so stop fucking teasing us.
Anyway, here's something I want that's actually doable: instant access to any and all music for a, say, $20 monthly subscription, from my computer, car stereo, home stereo, and mp3 player.
See? Easy. And it's possible, today.
I'm sure it'll show up right around the same time as flying cars.
Oh, and I also want those instant meals they can get on the Enterprise. That'd fucking rock.
Posted by: Joel Caris | November 30, 2006 1:27 AM
oh
and i also want one of those translator things that go in your ear so I can understand dolphins and french people
Posted by: turtle | November 30, 2006 1:45 AM
You know who promised us flying cars? Cartoons.
Those Loony Toons that talked about "the future" and Hannah-Barbara's Jetsons. Our cartoons have lied to us yet again.
At least we now have robots that'll vacuum for us.
Posted by: Cullen | November 30, 2006 6:36 AM
A teleporter would be nice. Or a transporter. Whatever. Then I would not have to drive to work, could go home for lunch. Have Dunkins teleported to my desk, etc etc. As long as a fly does not get stuck in there and gum up the works...
Posted by: Ernie | November 30, 2006 10:01 AM
They told us there would be flying cars. And self cleaning houses. And robots that did everything but wiped your ass for you.
Hey, Lighten up. We can't always be right. We got to the Moon, didn't we?
Posted by: They | November 30, 2006 11:39 AM
Hey, Lighten up. We can't always be right. We got to the Moon, didn't we?
And we've been meaning to talk to you about that. Where's the Amazon Women? Where's the cheese? The "Cha?"
Posted by: Cullen | November 30, 2006 11:45 AM
the jetson phone. no not crappy web cam. the REAL DEAL.
also the judy jetson get me dressed machine. i want that.
ok so They didn't promise me that, hanna barbera did... but still...
Posted by: kali | November 30, 2006 11:59 AM
Hmm, I wanted a genie, or to learn how to wiggle my nose like Samantha and have my house clean itself... actually, I wanted to be her Mom - she was a seriously kick-ass witch! I still want a broom that works.
Posted by: Pat | November 30, 2006 9:51 PM
I caught your "flying cars" post in a "Google Alert" for flying cars...
I'll tell you where your flying cars are... You already know where they aren't...
They're in my 14 cases of 75-thousand pages of notes... That's where they have always been, since 1978...
Now I'm beginning to understand why my project has and is being so stifled...
Have you seen the latest "flying car" claim..?
It's a blimp, tied to a something or other.. It looks like a "floating gurney"...
Next thing yah know they'll be driving their cars off'n cliffs, claiming they have flying cars...
I have the technology for flying cars engines... I just can't find the funding..? And I sure have tried... I've been snubbed more times than I can count... Now, being snubbed is just a way of life for me...
...1978 late Fall.. on a planned three-week leisurely cruise across Canada, along highway number-one, along as much of the scenic-routes as I could find.. just past the Ontario border into Manitoba.. I saw two large meteorites cross a huge "X" in the sky.. and thought about it with all I had.. "What makes Alien craft's engines work", I telepathed from all my Being...
...A few minutes later, I had to park, to write the flood of new data, for three hours straight.. resulting in the crude bench manual to build a liquid electricity rocket...
James Watt watched a kettle boil, and invented a steam engine...
I saw an X in the sky, and invented the liquid electricity engine...
I attempted to detail the workings of the engine to a visiting European nuclear physicist.. "mindless dolt" would be a better fitting title... 60-seconds into the description, his face when pale, his chin dropped, he struggled to speak, he accused me of "talking in the forth dimension", barely managed to stand, managed to walk three paces, and fell flat on his face...
Over the years I have contacted pretty-much every major scientific concern in the big business world, and all the powerful politicians, and even a couple of the great religions.. to no avail...
All I got was "classy" snubbing and scorn, from the mindless scientific community, governments, and religions... and a lot of "remote viewers" desperately trying to suck technology from my mind, mostly when I slept.. till I figured ways to seriously damage them upon approach...
Plus there were a lot of attempts to dig into my computers, them believing I'd put the meat in a computer connected to the Net.. thht on that!.. They destroyed five of my PC's in their desperate attempts to rob me... Seems this race doesn't want engines for flying cars, and engines to take us to other solar systems, Unless they can steal it from the inventor... It's a pity I am being forced to take all this technology to the grave...
All this engine is, is a couple simple modifications to laser... It "cracks" light... Damaged light "particles" self-heal with the nearest molecules.. thus creating raw antimatter-acids, which are saved in exhaust scrubbers, and sold by the public, to power industry... The service station pays the consumer for plugged full exhaust scrubbers.. A complete 180 turn-around for having to pay for gas all these years...
Fragmented light "particles" instantly decay into liquid electricity, which produces tremendous thrust from a tiny 14-inch long by 4-inch diameter engine... Among the 110 new-technologies in this science layer, it replaces combustion as a power source, opens the bonds of the inert elements, establishes plazma-welding of all materials to all materials, is the base to establish disintegrator trash-pails, obsoletes hospitals, gives us planetary defense weaponry and thousands of new toys, and gets us to other habitable-planets before this one shows us we've already killed it...
It's that.. or you'all can go try to find it all by yourselves, by your classic "scientific" trial and error methods...
If anyone has a clue how to get new technology funded, I'd sure appreciate hearing about it.. and I'm sure you would benefit from it greatly when I start marketing flying-cars... Do you prefer two seaters or four seaters?..
Why is it so tough to get new technologies funded?.. Could it be that mankind's intellect is devolving..? given that cell phones are baking brains.. meth, and coke are dissolving and melting brains, the drug industry's pain killers evolutions are numbing people to escape reality, dirty smallpox vaccinations are destroying brain file connections, alcohol and the prolific lack of nutrients are literally desiccating brains in their cases... Every day it seems more and more that humans are devolving into Apes... Just look at how they, you, we, treat this planet, like it's an expendable resource...
Bottom-line is, You get flying cars about five years after I gets a lab and a credit card... Simple as that... if we still have a planet left after the 13-Colonies nuclear world war three game...
I've done a life-time of work acquiring this technology.. I've taken it as far as I can without funding... If I'm not funded by my 60th birthday (10 months from now), the 75-thousand pages of notes burn in the garden on my 60th, and I'll send a video clip of the bon-fire, and a cover story, to the mindless scientific community, for their archives... and you all can get your flying cars when the next one like me comes along, in about 500 to a 1000 years...
So.. Now you know why you are not driving your flying-cars today.. and why those alive today won't be seeing flying-cars in their lifetimes...
____________
This liquid electricity emitter's raw output is a dirty-pink stationary light-cloud... which evolves into 4-D TV, and into cinema special effects breakthroughs for the next 500-years... Filmable synthetic actors.. restricted only by lack of imagination...
A little further research, this toy evolves into engines that will obsolete Fire as a power source... Fire will become illegal... The atmosphere will have the opportunity to self-heal.. and the air won't stink so bad...
This plazma engine will power all our vehicles, including moon and mars capable consumer RV's... and will provide mankind with the basic means to populate other planets in other solar systems...
This engine evolved to tools and weaponry, will do things like, "write a poem on a lunar cliff-face from earth... and drill a meter diameter hole 20-miles into the earth's crust, for us to plant magma batteries, which crystallize into crystallines, with hardnesses 14 to 28 on the Mho's scale... Thereby revolutionizing several industries: optics, bearings, abrasives, weaponry, and pretty much evolving every industry and life in many ways...
This is what our Species has been searching for... I found it, but it seems no one can even begin to fathom any of it... I tell them, and they "piss" in my face...
The usual reaction I get when mentioning any of this in various Internet forums, is verbal flame, and barrages of mindless insults, and varying religious, pseudo-physiological, and political battles, with aggressive mindless people, all hellbent on defending the insane stagnancy-quo...
I defend myself well against slanderous attacks, which have resulted in me being banned from many forums and scientific communities...
I've heard it all repeatedly, in various world forums, and from other sources.. and from the mindless scientific community, that can't even grasp the first minute of any of these technologies... It's the same "wall" of fear and insanity that all the ancient greats were confronted by... It's what trashed Tesla's lab after he plugged a light-bulb into the ground... It's what ridiculed Flemming for inventing penicillin, for claiming that "tiny invisible bugs were the cause of disease"... Then the medical scientific community tried to destroy Flemming's life.. and they returned content, back to their tapping wounds with filthy turkey-feathers, dipped in alcohol and various rock powders, to Frighten-away disease and infection... "ookook-eiee!"..
It's that dam wall that your devolving superstitious mindless fearful species just can't see light through... Seems there is no secret entry-point through this Race's mindless insanity levels, to permit a true scientist to build new technologies anymore, to give this Race more...? Seems you are all content with the fall into Oblivion.. forever numbing the discomforts of the fall with your latest evolutions of designer drugs, and your silly interactive-cartoons, to keep your minds off your species impending demise... When then near the year 145,730AD, the last human can be viewed, cracking the marrow out of the bones of the second last.. and by 155k AD, the planet can't even support the life of one single hardy beetle...
So now you really know why you don't have your 1200mph flying cars today...
Or as that gossip-guy Paul Harvey on the radio would say, "And now you know.. The rest of the story"...
Posted by: DonalJ | December 1, 2006 1:45 PM