Now that Christmas is finally over (although I'm writing this on Sunday so technically it's not over yet, but will be by the time you read this so it's like I'm writing in the future but in the past but.....someone go get Sarah Conner!)...uhh...where was I?

Oh yea. Christmas being over. Time for New Year's Day. Which means, of course, time for resolutions.

Now, most people I know make the same resolutions every year. Lose weight. Quit smoking. Lay off the booze. Have more patience.

I lost a good 50 lbs this year. I quit smoking in January of 2004. I really don't drink anymore. And I'll never overestimate myself so much that I would think I could have more patience. So the usual resolutions are a moot point with me.

I hate that word. Moot. It's stupid looking.

Anyhow. What I have been doing the past few years is making resolutions, but making sure that anything I resolve to for the year is within the realm of possibility.

On that note, I have compiled the Generic List of New Year's Resolutions Guaranteed to Not Make you Feel Like A Total Failure in 2007. The way I look at it is, if you lower your expectations of yourself, you'll never be disappointed!

I hereby resolve to:

Spend as many hours as I can in front of the computer playing mindless games

Watch as much television as possible

Ignore the surgeon general's warnings on any food or drink product

Have wild, spontaneous sex (this counts even if you do it with yourself)

Have a birthday

Read a bunch of comic books

Watch a bunch of movies I've already seen 50 times

Bitch about the weather

Consume my weight in dessert products

Make up at least two new curse words while driving

Nap on the weekends

Watch a lot of hockey

Give people advice but never follow it myself when applicable

Tell my children that they are driving me to drink

Finish all the video games I started but never got to the end of

There. I think those are resolutions I can live by. Try it. This year, resolve to do only things you know you can and will do. Forget about tossing the cigarettes or giving up the booze or finding a job. Why set yourself up for failure? By making easy to keep resolutions, you are really resolving to feel better about yourself in the long run, and who can't get behind that? Instead of feeling hopeless and dejected when you reach for that hidden bottle of vodka, instead of beating yourself up for being content to lay on the couch watching Oprah and collecting unemployment checks, instead of contemplating suicide because you failed the Bar again, just fuck it all. Don't even make those resolutions to begin with. Set the bar low and you'll never have to worry again about being a disappointment to yourself.

So open up a notebook, write those resolutions down and a few months from now, take a look at them and say "Holy shit, I really kept all of these!" and feel that self confidence rise. Then light another cigarette, down another shot of tequila and celebrate your self worth.

Happy New Year!

Michele has also resolved to be less sarcastic in the coming year

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