Alternative Christmas Music
by Michele Christopher

It's time for Christmas music. No, not that kind of music. You won't find Little Drummer Boy or Oh Holy Night on my Christmas songs list.

picture07.jpgOk, I like the traditional Christmas music. It gets me in the mood. But by the time it gets to be five or so days before Christmas, I get tired of it. I'll take the Frosty and Santa's Coming to Town and Up on the Rooftop and all those kid like goofy songs. But some of these tunes, oy vey. They bring out the Scrooge in me. Felice Navidad makes me stabby. That Christmas Shoes song makes me want to choke someone with a pair of cowboy boots. Have you ever heard Barbra Streisand's version of Jingle Bells? It's enough to make you turn Jewish.

So each year I compile a list of Christmas songs that will keep me in the mood, but keep me from choking a random elf. And I always take suggestions from the peanut gallery. That's you, by the way. Add on any songs you think fit the bill here. Eventually I'll get around to making a CD out of them and we'll play these tunes as we decorate the tree. Or I'll use the CD to scare my relatives away when the stop over for some Christmas cheer. I got your cheer right here, Mom. And it's got King Diamond's face.

Oh, and first person to suggest Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer gets a kick in the head. I hate the fucking song.

The 2006 list, thus far:

King Diamond - No Presents for Christmas
Spinal Tap - Christmas With the Devil
Vandals - Christmastime For My Penis
Pennywise - Christmas in Hell
Captain Sensible - One Christmas Catalogue
Fear - Fuck Christmas
Christmas in Hollis - Run-D.M.C.
Snoop Doggy Dogg - Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto
Zebrahead - I Hate Christmas
Wesley Willis - Merry Christmas
Wall Of Voodoo - Shouldn't Have Given Him A Gun For Christmas
The Damned - There Ain't No Sanity Claus
Pansy Division - Homo Christmas -
The Frogs - Here Comes Santa's Pussy
Stiff Little Fingers - White Christmas
Hanoi Rocks Dead - By X-mas
Vandals - My First Xmas As A Woman (and you can really include the whole Vandals Oi to the World album here)
Blink 182 - I Won't Be Home For Christmas
Merry Mothafuckin' Xmas - Eazy- E
Arrogant Worms - Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass
Ramones - Merry Christmas Baby (I Don't Want to Fight)

pswayze.jpgAnd, for Turtle:

(Let's Have) a Patrick Swayze Christmas (from the MST3K version of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians)

Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all.
And this can be the haziest...
This can be the laziest...
This can be the Swayziest
Christmas of them aaallllllllll!"

So name your Christmas poison here. Give me some good songs to add to my collection (and I already have the South Park Christmas CD as a staple of the holiday season around here).

Michele's favorite Christmas song was banned in 16 countries



My fav is 'Father Christmas' by The Kinks. And 'I Found The Brains of Santa Claus' by Jason & The Strap-Tones


- South Park Christmas Album

- John Denver - Please Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas

MTX has a Merry Christmas song too.


well you got fear so i think everything else is cool


Years ago, i heard a parody of Gramma Got Run Over... it was "New Kids Got Run Over", and it was fantastic.


and voila! A little googling, and i found the lyrics...

New kids got run over by a reindeer
All the little children are in shock.
No more loud annoying high falsettos-oh-ohhh
Now there's no more new kids on the block.

They were singing their new hit song:
"Cover Girls With The Right Stuff"
Now they're trophies for a reindeer,
Mounted on his mantle, hanging tough.

Many times I was mistaken,
When I went to see their show.
Was it Danny, Donny, Joe, John, Jordon,
Or Larry, Curly, Shemp and Moe-oh-oh-oh-ohh?

New kids got run over by a reindeer.
All the little children are in shock.
No more loud annoying high falsettos-oh-ohh
Now there's no more new kids on the block.

Now the new kid fans are crying,
And they say this really sucks!
But don't blame it on the reindeer,
Cause I'm the one who gave him fifty bucks.

New kids got run over by a reindeer.
No more little brats for me to mock.
No more pre-pubescent high falsettos-oh-ohh
Now there's no more new kids on the block.


hmm and "merry Christmas Baby" by Southern Culture on the Skids. A cover of an older R&B song i guess. "Christmas At the Zoo" by.. um.. Flaming Lips? Good song.


MTX's is "Merry Fucking Christmas" I believe. You could go with The Pogues' Fairytale of New York too.


Fishbone-Slick Nick (You devil you)


If someone can email me the lyrics to Vall Of Voodoo's song "Shouldn't Have Given Him A Gun For Christmas", I will be a very cappy hamper (note the clever spoonerism)! Thank you.

-- Pat-Ric


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