This is another public service announcement from howtokillpeople.com and this one is for the guys.

Volkswagens are for girls. Quit driving them.

Now typically cars are a guy thing. It’s one of the great equalizers of man kind. There is no greater gathering place for men than a garage, with tools and beer, tinkering on a car. Actually, a strip club is also a great meeting place for men as well. You know what would be a great idea: A place where men could take their cars to be worked on by hot, nekkid, chicks as more nekkid chicks served beer and hot wings.

"Yes, I need a topless tune up, two pitchers of pabst, two dozen hot wings, a lap dance, and a full nude oil change." GOD DAMN THAT WOULD RULE! Though you would probably have to limit the type of work nekkid chicks do on cars, on slip up and a hot chick loses a nipple.

Speaking of hot chicks; do you know what the car of choice is for hot chicks? (other than a Ferrari driven by a rich doctor. The gold digging whores) A god damn Volkswagen. You know who else drives Volkswagens? Gay Guys. Here’s a picture to help illustrate my point.

This is a picture of a guy standing proudly next to his custom jetta. There are two things missing from this picture. Can you guess what they are? If you guessed "The hot chick who’s supposed to be driving it" you’re right. The second thing missing is a little harder to notice. If you look really carefully you’ll notice that this guy’s boyfriend is also not in the picture. As you can see: My theory stands proven, VWs are girls cars.

I also decided to conduct a survey of girls I know, personally, that drive Volkswagens.

Question One: Are Volkswagens girls cars?

Answer: Five out of five said yes.

Question Two: Are guys who drive VWs gay?

Answer: Four out of five said yes. The other refused to answer because she didn’t like my use of the word gay.

Question Three: Can you explain to me why certain guys, who claim to be straight, obsess over there VWs?

Answer: Three girls said because he’s still in the closet. One girl said is was so the guy could impress his boyfriend and prove that he’s the butch in the relationship. The last girl just made a fisting motion in the air.

Question Five: Is it useless to customize your car with DVD players, big fins, game consoles, and NoS? Especially considering the car is better suited to have your mother or girlfriend drive it?

Answer: Five out of five said yes. One girl added, "What’s the point of buying a shitty car for twenty thousand dollars and then dumping fifteen grand into it when you could have purchased a decent car for thirty five thousand in the first place?" Too true, young lady, too true.

That brings me to my final point: Why the fuck are you euro-ing out your shitty chick mobiles? What the fuck is the point of putting a super sized wing on the ass end of your car? What the fuck is the point of putting nos in your VW? You’re not living in the middle of "The Fast and The Furious". All you’re doing is adding to the possibility that if you get into an accident, your car will explode. Good job dipshit. Dumping all of that money into a girls car doesn’t make you more of a man. If you cover ten tons of shit with gold all you have is shiny hill of shit

For those of you who still don’t believe me: The god damned beetle has a built in flower holder for the love of Christ. So guys, do yourselves a favor, if you do drive a VW, give it to your girlfriend, sister, or mother. If you insist on driving a Volkswagen go get a copy of Justin Timberlake’s single "Cry Me A River" and put it on infinite repeat, because you’re a bigger woman than he is.

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