Twas one week before Christmas and all through my mind
was the running thought that I'm way too kind
the presents are wrapped tucked under the tree
but what have those children done for me?
They've not cleaned their rooms, not made their beds
they've not done their laundry they've played games instead
they never listen to a word that I say
yet what will they get come Christmas Day?
Expensive guitar things; (plus strings and some picks)
an overpriced sweater from Abercrombie and Fitch
CDs from Brand New and some band called Cartel
Season 2 of Saved by the Bell
A wallet from Coach and Guitar Hero 2
One Zen mp3 player, wait, make that two
All of these things I bought on my own
no help from the fat guy, I did it alone
for my wonderful children I've bought all these presents
they deserve such rewards (is my sarcasm evident?)
and now they are fighting and whining and crying
and making a mess and cursing and lying
I want just one night in a nice, quiet house
where no creatures are stirring not even the mouse
I need one small moment to contemplate
why I spent so much money and stayed up so late
wrapping the presents topping them off with a bow
whispering to myself ho fucking ho
I spend my last dime on presents and what do I get
just aggravated and deeper in debt
Well I’ve had enough of this holiday
I have the mind to give all these presents away
I’m tired of Christmas, I’m tired of shopping
I’m not looking forward to relative-hopping
I’m sick of Jingle Bells and Away in a Manger
and faking holiday smiles for complete strangers
I’m tired of kids wanting more, more and more
and their failure to appreciate the Dollar Store
I hate Santa Claus, I hate the North Pole
Fuck Christmas this year, you’re all getting coal

Michele will find her Christmas spirit in a pint of Haagen Daaz ice cream and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

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