Does Not Work Against Roadrunners
by Turtle Jones
So today we are going back. Back to the old school Warner Brothers cartoons for a little list. No, not your favorite Warner Brothers cartoons, we will do that later, but something else about those cartoons.
Yes! A name you can trust and believe in. Something that would always had your back if you used it right. For whatever you wanted, Acme had what you needed.
So, we found a list of all the gadgets that have been included in the old cartoons and decided to go through them and tell you ourTop 5 and why they are so important to us and to humanity.
If any of you need any help remembering them, here is a list.
Have fun going through them and join in to tell us what your favorites are.
Off the top of my head.
Instant Girl! It's an instant girl! What else can you say? Imagine one drunk night with a bottle of these. You would destroy the prostitution, escort, massage, and porn industry in one shot.
Plus you could always have someone make you dinner. At the very least, you could have somewhere to put out your cigars and instant girls feel no pain.
They don't have any souls, either.
Super Speed. Legal speed. Dope. Late night poker games just got a new burst of energy. Think you can't play that last hand cause you drank too much vodka? Think again. Pop a few of these back with a cold King Cobra and get ready to see the sun rise.
Trick Balls! They are balls! They explode! And they are called trick balls! Pretty tricky if you ask me.
OK. So they don't do too much, but they are exploding trick balls and that names is just too much fun to say. So I want some. Bottom line. Saying "balls" in any sentence is funny. Add the word "trick" into the same sentence and you have comedy gold.
"Exploding" is just icing on the cake.
Acme Whipping Cream. Maybe not good for much except to get a quick nitrous high. I'll bet the fine people at Acme wouldn't bitch like some people do around here if their whip cream goes flat. Someone has to inhale the stuff and it might as well be me. Besides, the jury is still out on if inhaling nitrous really constitutes not being sober as far as AA purposes. I think it counts. Others may have a different opinion, but until they make a NOA (Nitrous Oxide Anonymous) I'm still going to be sucking your Ready Whip dry, baby.
Earthquake Pills. More pills for more fun. You know after reading this whole list, I am starting to think Acme is really some mob front for dope and broads. Most of these things on here really give you the impression that they took their ideas from Godfather 1 and 2. Or maybe it was the other way around. No matter. Just reading these names gives me a feeling that whomever made this list was part of La Cosa Nuestro trying to expand their market into cartoons.
I now feel I need to go gamble in Las Vegas.
Or kill Luca Bratsi. - T
My name is Jack Bauer. I used to work for the Counter Terrorism Unit, but I retired on disability. Everyone knows the goverment pays shit, so my disability pay isn't really that great. Which is why I now work as security guard at the local mall. Man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
This is my official report of what happened on the night of December 28, 2006. In short, how I saved the mall and everyone in it (and probably the entire free world) from certain disaster.
I had to act fast. So I brought out my bottle of Instant Girl. In just two seconds, Chloe was standing in front of me. I handed her my cell phone.
"PATCH ME THROUGH TO THE PRESIDENT!" I shouted this to her because I always shout to show how important a directive is.
While Chloe was getting the president on the phone, I scoped out the terrorist. He was holding something that looked like a remote. I figured it was a detonator and he was gonna blow up the mall or release some nerve gas or something. I do have experience with this stuff, you know. That's what I acted so quickly. I approached the terrorist from behind and grabbed him by his neck. I then brought out my ultimatum gun, which issued the order to "PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON." I repeated this, for emphasis. "I SAID PUT. DOWN. YOUR. WEAPON."
The terrorist elbowed me in the gut and I lost balance for a second. In that instant, the terrorist was able to escape. He ran down to Hot Topic and tried to hide behind the My Chemical Romance t-shirts. I heard the beeping of his detonator. He spotted me and said, "At 9pm this mall will be blown to pieces, Mr. Bauer."
I asked Chloe if she got a hold of the president yet. "I'm trying, Jack," she said. "But CTU just issued an order for your arrest!"
"What is that, the fifth time today? Just get me the president, Chloe! WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!"
"Then use your time space gun, Jack!" Of course! I reached into my bag of tricks, pulled out the time-space gun and set it to a half hour before the call came from the Big Boss about the terrorist.
I went up to the Big Boss's office and told him, "I have to use the building disintegrator right now!"
"Are you being delusional again, Jack? I know you miss your old job, but you work in a mall now. You're a rent a cop, Jack."
"Mr. President, this is Jack Bauer. You are also on the line with head of mall security!!"
"You don't understand! I just came from the future! There is going to be a terrorist attack on the mall! I have to disintegrate NOW!" Again, I yelled the "now" part for emphasis. It seemed to make him pay more attention to me.
"You're crazy, Jack. There are thousands of people in the mall right now!"
"Yes, but I have an integrating pistol! As soon as it passes 9pm, I can integrate the building back together!"
The president said, "Jack, this plan is insane!" Chloe rolled her eyes.
"YOU JUST HAVE TO TRUST ME! You have my WORD, Mr. President, that this will work!"
The president reluctantly agreed. Chloe and I went out to the parking lot by Applebee's. We looked at each other hopefully. Chloe made that look she always makes when I do something that puts her life on the line. I fired the disintegrating pistol. The building shook and then vanished.
We waited in the parking lot until after 9pm and then I pulled the trigger on the integrator. There was a blast of heat, and then the building and all the people inside it were back.
"Is everything ok, Jack?" The head of CTU was on Chloe's speakerphone.
"Everything is good, sir The mall is now safe."
"Is Auntie Em's pretzels still there?"
"Of course it is."
"Can you bring me a cinnamon pretzel with cream cheese when you come back to CTU please?"
"Well, it's 9:20 now. The mall closes at 9:30."
"Better go, Jack. You're running out of time!"
I winked at Chloe and patted the space-time gun in my pocket. I'll never run out of time again. -M
So those are the picks of Michele and Turtle. The other two editors, Finn and Baby Hue, have their picks up in a separate post.
We had a whole list to go on, so you can too! Tell us your favorite Acme items and how you think they would benefit the world.
It's easy and fun. Feel free to make up your own while you are it. Hell, if Acme can make them up, so can you.
Michele and Turtle are going to spend the night dropping anvils on each other