Don't Feed The Animals
by Turtle Jones

So today we are finally getting off our cold thing that we have beaten to a pulp. Well, at least until January when I really start bitching about the cold. Cause I like to bitch. Let's talk about something new and fun. Magical creatures. No, not really. Today we thought it would be fun to talk about animals that we wish we could have as pets but really can't cause they don't exist. Which sucks cause I can think of a few cool ones.

Anyways, here a few ones we picked out for fun. That are cool and neat. And can help us rule the world in our never ending conquest to take over the world. But more about that later.


turtle likes free advice.

I would like something cool and a little creepy. I could go with a dragon, but really, imagine the upkeep on that. Food, cleaning up it's crap and talking it for walks? Ug. Too high maintenance. I want something that I really don't have to do anything for but in some way helps me.tarantula1s.jpg

So after some soul searching, I thought of something. A tarantula. But, it would be a little different. A talking tarantula. But this tarantula would be fixated on men's health issues. Specifically on my prostrate and testicles.

I can imagine how cool it would be to come home to hear a little squeak from his cage. Blackened dead crickets hanging from his fake little home. Opening it to listen to what he has to say. His words of wisdom for the day.

"How has your prostrate been feeling?"

"Are your testicles swollen?"

See, this would be fun. Come home and see my friends getting their gonads examined by a little spider telling them they might want to go see a doctor about "that rash". He would have a little light and one of those cool doctor shiny hat things. You know, the ones with the little light on the top. Like Hawkeye from MASH.

Sitting at home with my spider watching TV. Just turning the channels around when he would look up to me and open his mouth to speak.

"Did you know that sitting to close to the TV increases your risk of testicular cancer?"

"Why no, spider. I did not know that. I will close my legs while watching A-Team reruns from now on."

A helper spider with an unhealthy obsession on my balls.

If this is a dream, don't wake me up. - T

Michele opens her big book of wishes.








So that is what we came up with. I know there are tons we could have said. I still like the remote controller who has touch issues. "Would you just pick a channel and stick with it!! Stop touching me!"

Man, that would be funny.

But those are ours and I'm sure you guys have a bunch more. So what are they?


I want a Tribble. If I can't have a Tribble, then I want a fire lizard (Anne McAffrey's Dragonriders of Pern series)... so I can train it to chew phosphine rock and burn the asses of people that piss me off. They can also teleport with written messages, so I can get rid of my cell phone.


Good lord, Turtle. Now I can't stop thinking about a tarantula fondling testicles. In a totally non-sexual way, sure, but still. That's fucked up.

As is that killer rabbit. Damn. I need one of those.


If I were not married I would ask for a penthouse pet. but since I am married, I would like a magical gnome that will keep the house clean and dust free, wash the floors and occasionally change the water in the fish tank. sounds good. oh and if he or she could make and repair shoes, that would be cool.


Prostate, damn it.

"Prostrate" means "lying down", more or less.


I would like a small dog that pees Irish Whiskey and poops buds please.


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