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Bums And Boobies
by Dan Greene
There’s no way in hell that all horror nudity could be summed up in a few paragraphs. This should be part one of tits and ass and breasts and buttocks. But I have a feeling that subsequent parts would be even more useless than this one, so fuck it. I’ll spare us all the indignity.
Don’t get me wrong. In no way am I a chauvinist, misogynist, woman hater, whatever word you want to use. Women can do whatever the hell they want. But nekkidness is essential to a lot of horror movies. It is. I’m determined to – usually – stay away from analyzing any of these movies in too much depth, so let’s not even argue about it, okay? Tits are taboo like murder and asses are exciting like stalking prey. Sex is associated with everything because it’s sex, and I know you have been thinking about sex sometime within the past seven to twenty six minutes and they know they got you if they show you the sex. Because you will look at the sex. If you can’t look at the screen when somebody dies, you can still look at it when someone gets laid. Or showered or changed.
Slumber Party Massacre
This is a great movie in that bad 80s way that I love so much. You’d think a movie with a name like that would have all kinds of nudity, but it doesn’t. You’d probably think that you’ll get to see some good deaths but that’s not the case either. Well, there are good deaths but you don’t get to see them happen. You know that weak thing they sometimes do? They build up the suspense and you’re sure you’re going to see someone get a big fucking fishhook in the head or something, but you only see the bad guy take a swing at the off camera victim, and then you see the dead victim. They do that in this movie, pretty much every time. I still love this one though, the way some people love that velvet art stuff or professional wrestling. Anyway, the nudity. There isn’t much, but what’s there is interesting and a little different. It’s a kind of long scene of the girls’ shower room after gym class. There are bums and tits and soap and rubbing and stuff. What’s interesting about it all is that the movie’s writer, Rita Mae Brown, is a lesbian. That whole gym class thing, you know? Watching your classmates jump around and get sweaty, then get naked and wet before going to math.
I haven’t mentioned it in weeks. Lucio Fulci’s Zombie. The one with the shark fighting the zombie. This isn’t like the last one at all. This movie kicks ass and rips it apart and eats it and shows you the dying process.
In the scene leading up to the shark fight we have a boat on the ocean. A woman on the boat decides to go scuba diving. But she does it topless, dude. Although she does wear one of those stretchy rubber swimming caps that chicks wear when they go swimming….. I bet some guys like that. I bet there’s a small group of people who saw Zombie when they were, like, ten years old. And those tits were the first set they ever saw in their lives. And they grew up with that image of tits as their prototype, their idea of the perfect rack. And now they can’t properly function sexually when their lady friends wear rubber hats and scuba gear in the sack.
Maybe just one of two guys…… Neither one of them are me.
(ed note: I couldn't find a pic of Susan topless scuba diving, so here's the zombie/shark fight -m)
Remember that babe in the bathtub? HOT.
Return Of The Living Dead
This is a quality movie is many, many respects. We need more movies like this one. I wish I knew why originality is so lacking in horror movies. For the same reason it lacks in other types of movies I guess, and music. We’re told what we like. But what gets me is that horror fans know what they like, we don’t need to be told. We’re loyal to the genre and a good movie is going to do well while a bad movie won’t. The thing is, package a crap movie right and you’ll make money anyway. Man, how tired is this topic anyway…..
Anyway, nudity. Trash. She was a nasty punk rawker who took her clothes off for fun, wanted to die by being eaten by a gang of dirty old men, and actually got that wish. So yeah, she takes her clothes off and dances around for a while. It’s great. Then the corpses come back to life and she gets killed, and then she’s a naked zombie. That’s greater. Naked zombies. The girl playing that role is Linnea Quigley, who has been in a bunch of stuff. Mainly horror movies, and lots of them, but she’s done Cheech and Chong movies too, a couple of them. That’s pretty cool. Apparently she was in a movie called Robot Ninja, so I have to try and find that. Who cares how bad it sucks, I just need to see what the hell a movie about a robot ninja would be like. This question needs an answer.