I Miss Sex
by Andrea Scott
What is all this crap about the Energizer battery? Their branding is way off, they don't keep going and going! My friends and I often joke that in the six months that my husband has been gone, I could own tons of stock in the Energizer battery company. What are the batteries for? Vibrators, of course!
Vibrators, a glorious gift to women but a terrible tragedy if you find out that your batteries are out of juice and you don't have any replacements anywhere in your house. And, of course, you have looked everywhere. I even tried to take the batteries out of my tv remote, but they didn't have enough juice left in them to power me up. Tip from me to you: vibrators work the best on brand new batteries. Trust me, you don't want to use old batteries, because just as you are getting there, you find your vibrator slowing down. Not good!
I didn't always speak this openly about my sexuality; well, maybe I did. My co-workers took pity on me right before my husband left and threw a passion party so that I had plenty of opportunity to stock up on sexual assistance for the long winter. Bless them! If it weren't for them, I think I'd be rubbing up against light poles, chairs, and various fixed objects around the house. Bad mental picture, I know! Could you imagine?
It got so bad that one night I got really bored and actually considered phone sex with my husband, but guess what, you can't! Why? Because you have people listening in on your conversation! This normally wouldn't be a bad thing, but my husband's an officer and I think that falls along the lines of conduct unbecoming. Besides the listeners, we only get twenty minutes on the phone, and how in depth can you get in twenty minutes? "I'm rubbing your…..dial tone." If women could get blue balls, I'd have navy blue.
I'm so sexually frustrated, I've started sending my husband mean emails, like he could do anything about it from over there. I can't control myself. I start to think about all the sex I'm not having, and then I get mad. On the phone the other night, I brought up some random bit about whip cream and chocolate syrup. It totally came out of left field and my husband's pause from being shocked just pissed me off. The poor guy isn't having sex either, and I'm mad at him for it. The cruelty of it all, I swear.
I guess we have to give honorable mention to the men deployed in Iraq who don't get sex either, but they don't need battery powered devices to help them. And something that is even more awful for them, they aren't allowed to have porn with them. It obviously slips through the cracks from time to time, but generally speaking porn is frowned upon. Poor things.
Who am I kidding? I'm a selfish prat, poor me!
Andrea just got a great deal on a case of batteries on Ebay.
Posted by: turtle | December 6, 2006 9:12 AM
Posted by: michele | December 6, 2006 9:23 AM
"It obviously slips through the cracks from time to time, but generally speaking..."
HAHA! Did anyone catch that but me??
Just so you all know, I share an office with Andrea at work. I'm thinking I should move out until after her husband comes home. No pun intended.
Posted by: shawna | December 6, 2006 11:16 AM
Hilarious, that's nasty!
Posted by: Andrea | December 6, 2006 11:50 AM
I took the batteries out of my kids toys once. The next morning they asked why their turtle wasn't working. It seems alot funnier now given the name of one of our editors and all.
Posted by: Bonnie | December 20, 2006 12:14 PM
Very good site. Thank you.
Posted by: musik | February 11, 2007 3:33 PM