Advertise With Us||Links||
Submission Guidelines||Subscribe to Feed||Contact
Orange Juice From Concentrate
There are many ways in which The Man keeps us down but there are few as nefarious as orange juice from concentrate.
“But orange juice is so good for you,” I hear you say. “So healthy and nourishing. It tastes so good! And orange juice from concentrate is even better because it is less expensive than orange juice!”
That’s what The Man would like you to believe.
When you make orange juice from concentrate, The Man instructs you to mix it with about 3 containers of water.
Three containers, people! Three! I’ve made orange juice from concentrate from four and even five containers of water and it has tasted … just … fine.
You see, when you short change yourself and make it with only three containers you have to buy more orange juice from concentrate than you really need which increases your grocery bill. When you spend more on groceries you have to earn more money to pay for them. In order to earn more money you have to work more hours, which means you have less free time. When you have less free time, your spouse starts feeling neglected and has an affair with your best friend and your kids grow up without a good role model and end up shooting heroin in a rat-infested alley outside the shop where they pawned the laptop computer you bought them for college.
Orange juice from concentrate is nothing short of the total collapse of society.
“But,” you say, “I’ll just buy regular orange juice then. It will save me time, my marriage won’t collapse and my kids will grow up to be doctors. Life will be wonderful.”
Sure, buying regular orange juice will be okay for a couple of weeks, your spouse will leave your best friend and cry their undying love for you while your kids sign up for classes at the local community college, but every time you grab for that half-gallon or gallon of orange juice your eyes will drift to the frozen food section where those tidy rows of orange juice from concentrate cans are lined up and you’ll think of how much money you could be saving and then, one day, you’ll break down and buy a can.
You poor, deluded fool.
“Just one can,” you’ll say to yourself. “Just one can so I can spend a little extra time with the kids this week.”
And soon you’ll be back to buying only orange juice from concentrate. At first you may even sneak an extra container or two of water into the mix, but your spouse - feeling a bit grumpy about the recent decline in your free time - will mention that the orange juice doesn’t taste “quite right” so you’ll go back to using three containers and the grocery bill will start rising as your free time continues falling. Your spouse will move in with your best friend and you won’t be able to afford rehab for your kids so you’ll suffer a nervous breakdown - losing your mind, your job, and your house all in the same week.
And why? Because of the vicious cycle, perpetrated by the man, that is orange juice from concentrate.
Wilhelm isn't buying the Vitamin C myth, either.