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Cruisin' Santa Loco
by Turtle Jones
So today we were asked what we thought would be a cool car to get Santa around the world. Cause sleds kinda suck. Well, no.They really suck. Can't do anything with them. So let's upgrade this thing like on Pimp My Ride and get Santa rolling and looking good! Mine took a little thought and I broke some of the rules, but this is what I came up with for Santa to get laid and paid while making all the little children smile on this holiday.
Asking what I think Santa should use instead of his sled is a little tricky. After thinking about all of the cool muscle cars built for speed and all the lowriders built for cruising, I had to make a choice between style and speed. His haul of gifts really doesn't matter cause we all know that shit is magical or something like that, right?
So he doesn't need a truck. Hell, he gets all his shit around in a sled anyways. And even that doesn't look loaded. Some of the kids around here get more shit in their stockings then he has in his sled. So he doesn't need some kind of semi. He has got his Santa magic.
As for speed, I am gonna have to say the same thing. Why bust his ass to make everything in on time? I mean it gets there right? Santa is the Postal Service of the holidays. It will get to you. Maybe a little late, but it will get there, god dammit.
I know he has to get around the world and all that kind of crap, so speed really should be a factor. He has got the whole time zone thing going for him though. And once he is done with the world. He has nothing top do but go home and work on it for the next years big run.
Technically he could just cruise around the world and eventually he would make it to your houses. Unless you lived in like Russia or something.
Santa does not like Communists and Communists do not like lowriding Santas. They would probably fire some missiles at him and then we would have to watch another god forsaken Christmas movie that somehow would mix the "No Santa" theme with a "Day After" theme. It would probably be in claymation, too with some has been actor like Mickey Rooney doing the voice of The Ghost of Stalin. Is Mickey Rooney still alive? No matter. I'm sure if that fat little bastard were still alive, he would hate lowrider bikes. Cause he just looks like he would. So the hell with the Russians and the Roonies.
This choice was easier than I thought.
He only really works one day a year. And he never really has any chances to show off his ride to all the bitches the world over. I mean, Mrs. Claus' pussy may be great, but come on. He has got one day out of the year to show he is vato loco. So he needs to slow down and cruise.
The only thing he would need would be a cigar hanging out his lips. And a fedora. And a wife beater. And some black pants and a pair of black converse. That would be a cool Santa. My god. He would look just like me. Maybe I am Santa! Weird how these thoughts hit your mind after eating bad Swiss cheese for dinner the night before. But, when an idea comes, I have to grab it. One day, I will tell you all about my "Grand Theory on the Universe Part Uno: No Mas Macho." But until I write my manifesto and move away to the hills to watch your capitalistic society eat itself, I'll stick to hating Communists and biding my time.
Sorry. Got off track.
So if he is going to do this, he might as well try to go slow, low and down brown and proud. So the lowrider was the choice for him. Another theory of mine is that Santa has a thing for the beach. And let's face it, no one looks cool at beach. Swim suits look like hell and the only way you can look cool is if you wear pants and a wife beater. See above for my theory on what he looks like and why he is me. The easiest way to get around the beach is a lowrider. So what have you got? A cool Santa at the beach.
With a bike. Slammed down and fully loaded.
Merry Christmas, puta. - T