Advertise With Us||Links||
Submission Guidelines||Subscribe to Feed||Contact
The Day After Christmas
by Jay Scott
It happens every year. Just like Christmas, we also get the fun follow up, the day after Christmas. Yippie. As I write this, I have on Jeff Beck’s version of “Amazing Grace”. You know, to set the tone for this week’s word-fest. Play it if you got it. I’ll wait a sec. If not, pop in your favorite holiday tune then read. Just go with me on this. Trust me. Got the song up? Good. Now onward we go.
The Day After Christmas…. it’s when you realize that you were a victim of all the holiday cheer, all the wishful thinking, all the Yuletide fun we agonize over when Thanksgiving ends. Yeah, except that one guy over there. He doesn’t give a fuck. Heh, I think I will buy him a drink and tell him why he should. So here ya go.
See, a lot of people forget the meaning behind Christmas. It's not really not about how much loot you get, or how awesome your lights are, or really, what you buy for people. It’s not even about the whole Jesus birthday thing, not anymore anyways. In my humble opinion, it’s how we should be all the time. Giving, charitable, kind, thoughtful, and forgiving.
Yeah, I’m not one to play the sap, or get all sweet on ya. But you know what, It gets me thinking every year. People SUCK during the holidays. Really, they do. People are rude while shopping in crowed malls. People are obnoxious, and greedy. They are the first ones to brag about getting their kid the newest this or that, or how they got the nicest token of affection for their significant other, but then those same people will cut your throat for a parking space. Makes me wanna deck something, and not the halls.
They will walk past you while you hold a door open and say nothing. Nada. Zip. Yeah, joy to the motherfucking world, dickhead. And a hearty fuck you, too. I have even seen a guy push a pregnant women out of the way to grab some useless trinket. What gives? Yeah, tis the season to put that guy's nuts in a fucking vice until they goddamn pop. There’s your fucking chestnuts on an open fire you cocksucker. The open fire doesn’t come with the vice, it's sold separately. Try Home Depot for that.
So, the day after Christmas all these swell people, these giving souls, go right back to the same old bullshit. Well, I think its horse-ass. I think they, and those like them, are the reason we have lost the true meaning of Christmas. Let's forget the whole religious fairy tale, and whatever bullshit comes with it. Let's just think about the meaning, the implied meaning, really. Good will toward all men, you remember that part right? So, I could go on a whole political rant, or use my favorite saying, “The Christian Right is Neither” and on and on, but no, I want to just go another way.
Time for a song change. Here comes Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band playing “The Little Drummer Boy”. Nice.
The Day after Christmas is the day you should do something different. Now is your chance. How about this year, you give up that parking space when the chance arrives, or you say thank you to the guy holding the door open, or you just do something nice at random that doesn’t really put you out, like let that guy over when he uses his signal instead of speeding up.
I swear to motherfucking all that is holy, the next time some jerk-off pulls that speed up gimmick, I am going to take a tire iron to his shiny new Benz. I digress.
You know what I want for Christmas? I want people to treat other people better. That’s it. It isn’t world peace, but it’s free and it’s possible. Cause if the whopping eight people that read this take that seriously, hey, I’m happy. I leave you with this.
Lights, please. Thanks.
“And there were in the same world, shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the lord shone round about them, and they were afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not, for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
"For unto you this day is the Day after Christmas, and from now on you are going to quit making shit up about God, and putting words in his mouth, and lo, be ashamed, for you are some self righteous motherfuckers who think the holidays are something to be commercialized and exploited for advertising and personal gain and thou you may not walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will personally ensure that you crawl every fucking last inch of that valley through glass and ball sweat on your hands and knees if you continue with this bullshit, for we have no more tolerance for this nonsense, for the Lord is pissed, and when the Lord's pissed, you can bet your ass he will make with the “Holy Motherfucking Smite”©, for the Lord cares not about you having the nicest car or the brightest lights, or the biggest boobs, for the lord wants you to stop being a jerk-off and get with the human drama, and this too shall be, for the lord sayeth so, and trust me, you don’t wanna piss him off, or we’ll be forced to put some fire and brimstone up your ass.
"So when the lord sayeth, you better fucking doith, got my meaning, because lo, the Lord is pissed off and means it when the Lord says none of you sickos killing in his name know what the fuck your talking about, and in fact, rejoice for the lord will open some serious whoop-ass on those who think otherwise, and post haste too."
And then the angel of the lord turned and spoke directly to the shepherds wives saying unto them,"knock off with bitching and moaning, these motherfuckers work hard shepherding all day, and that ain’t a job that brings a whole lotta fucking glory, and the pay sucks, so I say unto you, quit breakin’ their balls, dig?"
And, then the angel of the Lord smiled and said unto them with great joy, "you better get your shit together, cause if I gotta come back down here and explain the whole Christmas thing again, I am going to bring some serious wrath with me and lay it up on your ass."
And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men."
That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.
Jay will make you be nice to each other year round. Dammit.