The Great ACME Swindle
by Michele Christopher

Baby Huey and I had been out drinking and whoring all day when the email came in from Michele. We were late with our columns for the Editor's Picks post. We had known that they were due earlier today, but tequila and bimbos have a way of making a man's brain get a little fuzzy and you start to forget things that you normally wouldn't. Like how much money you left the house with and where you parked the car before you went into the strip club. So, half drunk and unable to complete a coherent thought, we asked Turtle what he and Michele had been writing about and completely and totally ripped off their idea. ACME Products!! Your faves and ours!!


Baby Huey is up first..

The Female Roadrunner Costumeacmehitch.jpg

Is this first mainstream reference to furryism? I think so.

Hitchhiker Thumb

Made from 100% real hitchhikers! Accept no substitutes!

Iron Carrot

For the girl who scoffs at shower massagers, it's something a little more heavy-duty. Heh. Doody.

Ultimatum Dispatcher:

For when going on Maury's just too much of a hassle, fire your ridiculous demands like a fucking nag-missle!

Artificial Rock

Be just like all your heroes on the radio today -- Artificial Rock! - BH

and thefinn finishes us off with a bedtime story....

There was a time when my voicebox hadn’t been crushed like a beer can in a frat boy’s fist. There was a time when my back wasn’t a mess of pins and steel rods. I can remember when I hadn’t broken every bone in my body a hundred times over. And I vividly recall the days when I could speak without holding up these damn signs.

acmebatman.jpgLike I said, it wasn’t always this way. When I first started with the ACME company I was a page boy. I ran errands for mid level managers and made sure that they’re coffee was always hot. In time I received a slight promotion and was transferred to the Research and Development division. I did odd jobs here and there before the head of the department recognized my unique talents in finding the design flaws in ACME Products. It wasn’t long before I was testing dozens of our latest releases. I was the first person to work with our ACME Eye Test Chart and I found and fixed the errors that caused blindness in our test subjects. I worked long and hard. Days and weeks went by but finally I was rewarded with the ACME Instant Icicle Maker project. My team and I worked for weeks, but we couldn’t nail down why every time we went to make an icicle, we make a small bowl of pudding instead. After about three weeks, we finally solved the problem (Funny story. We solved the problem by removing the chocolate from the equation. What do you want ? It was the Sixties, we were putting chocolate in everything. You ever wonder why the ACME Triple Strength Fortified Leg Muscle Vitamins taste like a chocolate sundae ?) and I was promoted to a middle management position in the company. For a few weeks, it was glorious.

I should have known that once I got the promotion, the problems would only get worse. I was given a team of forty five and for three weeks we worked in the ACME Do-It-Yourself Tornado Kit. Half my team died and more than 30% were crippled so badly that ACME still pays them disability. But in the end, we got it right. Upper management was so impressed with my determination that they asked me to head up the most secret of all our top secret projects. The ACME Jet Propelled Pogo Stick. It was to be the preferred method of travel for every man, woman and child in the future. ACME had sunk billions into the project and so far all they had was a stick and a piece of twine. It was my vision that led us to this precipice of modern invention. It was my engineering skills that got us over the initial problems that would send every test subject space bound in a matter of seconds. And it was my intestinal fortitude that led me to test the first fully functional prototype in the Arizona desert.

acmejetuni.jpgAfter I was released from the hospital, I took a sabbatical to concentrate on learning to walk again and to concentrate on my own engineering ideas. I came up with a few things that would eventually make it through the ACME labs and be released to our clamoring masses. The company was on a huge upswing at the time, money was being thrown around like it was toilet paper. The president of ACME sent me an email, outlining a problem his was having with his winter house in Nevada. He was quite distressed that a small pack of roadrunners had taken up residence on his property. They were doing quite a bit of damage, tearing around his gardens and upsetting his staff. He asked me to look into the problem for him and I was quick to say yes.

I did several weeks of research before heading out to his compound. The eating habits of the common roadrunner, the sleeping and mating habits. Every single fact that I could glean from a textbook or from the internet was committed to memory. I would catch these roadrunners. I would receive the highest praise from Mr. Acme, himself. And I would be given back my position as head researcher at ACME Labs. I had some very early successes. I wiped out a half a dozen of them with the ACME Strait-Jacket Ejecting Bazooka and killed another four or five with ACME Grease (when combined with a harrowing drop, it was quite effective). I killed them all, save one. He was the fastest of the all. But I was more cunning. And I would not rest until he was dead as well.

It’s been damn near sixty years. I have broken every bone in my body. My fur has been burned off and regrown so many times I barely recognize myself. I have utilized every piece of ACME technology at my disposal (and quite a few that were not approved). But I will catch those damn roadrunners. If it’s the last thing I do.


So, what do you think ? Not bad for a drunken, half baked effort by two people who will surely be paying for this in the morning... Or is it ? So, how about you ? What're your favorite ACME Products and how about a few that should have been created but weren't ?

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