Those Times When You Have To Do What You Don’t Want To Do
by Dan Greene

pic1128so9.jpgLast Saturday I was out in front of my house, drinking beer and putting up Christmas decorations. I had one of those reindeer that light up and pretend to eat stuff, and I was putting it right between two bushes when a thorn broke off in one of my fingers. A nasty splinter, but I didn’t notice right away, not until I felt an itch and scratched it. Fuck’s sake! Isn’t it weird how little things seem to hurt more than big things? Fucking splinters. Hell, my Dad caught a metal splinter in his eyeball a few weeks ago, and he’s already blind in the other eye. Dealing with metal in your eye is one thing, but adding blindness to the unaffected eye would make the ordeal that much worse, that much more psychological. “Holy fucking shit, what if I fuck up this eye too?? Am I gonna be totally fucking blind for the rest of my life? Jesusjesusjesus, oh shit my fucking eye.” Closing one eye in pain and not seeing anything.

I tried to think about that as I was up in the bathroom with safety pin, tweezers and rubbing alcohol, slowly rooting a hole deeper and deeper into my finger.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

Not the best movie but it had its moments and I like it. That dude with the metal plate in his head, scraping his scalp with the coat hanger and eating the dead skin. Dennis Hopper acting like a typical horror idiot. That guy in the beginning with the stupid glasses. Dying.

So the lead female trespasses on the land that the family owns and falls through a fucking hole into the basement or something. But she’d been polite to Leatherface earlier in the movie, so when he catches her down there he decides not to kill her. For the second time. Stupid, I know, but when he decides to help her out, he gets her to hide in a pile of rotten corpses and body parts, with the skin from a corpse’s face covering own to disguise the fact that she’s alive. The face looks kind of fresh too, all wet and bloody and sticky. Stuck to her face. While she sits in a pile of corpses. I would not want to do that, but I guess I would if I had to. leatherface-lg11121.jpg

Friday The 13th Part 2

Not the best movie but it had its moments and I like it. Wait…. Hell, I like a lot of shitty movies.

In this one the lead female is running from Jason and stumbles across his shack in the woods. Before he catches up with her, she finds this little back room in the shack, containing a shrine to his dead mother. Her head is there, that’s kinda cool. Anyway, the girl tries to trick Jason by putting on his mom’s sweater and pretending to be her. Man, that sweater got pulled off a corpse, all bloody around the neck hole. Probably with bits of mom on it. Sat in that stinky shack forever while seasons changed and spiders laid eggs in it. And she put in on. That’s pretty gross. I wouldn’t want to do that either, but I would if I had to. I know it’s not scary but I got a thing about really dirty clothes.


Yeah, just about any scene from any of them. I wouldn’t want to do it but, you know. I would if I had to. Maybe. That one with the eyeball, I don’t know. That’s got to be worse than pulling out a splinter. Not as bad as chewing your leg out of a steel trap though. Did they do that yet?

Cabin Fever

Dude had sex with a diseased chick and then washed his dick very very thoroughly. Weird scene, man. That movie is just uncomfortable. There are a lot of examples here. Sick people puking and bleeding all over the place. You’re probably going to have to touch it sometime if it’s everywhere. If you want to drive that car, then you’re going to have to wash it off first. jason1121.jpg

The Exorcist

Right at the end, you know, where the Devil leaves the girl and goes into the priest because he asked it to, and then the priest jumped out the window? I know I wouldn’t want to do that. Don’t think I’d do it if I had to either. Fuck that. I’d probably throw the girl out the window first.

Wrong Turn

Checking out the freaks’ cabin in the woods, but the freaks come home. No way out so the kids have to hide under the smelly bed and watch while the freaks drag the kids’ friends across the floor. Not really much of a choice there, now that I think of it.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas

You know that part where he’s stealing all the shit and stuffing it up the chimney and little Cindy Lou Who, who is no more than two, comes out and asks him what he’s up to, and The Grinch acts all nice and polite and shit as he explains that he’s fixing the tree? Then he gets her a glass of water and sends her to bed, as if he gives a shit about what happens to her? I bet he hated having to act like a nice guy. He liked a good scam but that had to feel kind of demeaning to him.

Dan seems to like all movies. Shitty or not, he likes them.



These are the scenarios where I just find a way to kill myself.


that's why I watch Man vs. Wild on the discovery channel

let's me know how to get out of those types of situations


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