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What I Want for Christmas that Nobody Can Get Me
by Branden Hart
We all have wishes for Christmas that are, well, impossible for anyone—even Santa Claus himself—to grant us. And while we might wish for these things in vain, it sure is fun to fantasize about what we'd like to see under the tree on Christmas morning. Whether it's peace on Earth, an end to hunger and poverty, or other crap like that, all of us have dreams about what we'd like to receive on this holiday. Here are mine.
1. Midget Licenses
Everyone knows that midgets are extremely useful. Especially midgets with super-strength—the kind Hannibal used to carry him across the mountains so he could vanquish the heathens in Romania. But I digress. The sad fact of the matter is that even with support in both houses of the Congress, legislation to make it legal to carry concealed midgets has failed since the dawn of that glorious establishment. For those of us who find firearms to be a primitive—albeit useful—source of self defense, we turn to the midget world, only to have our desires squashed by bipartisan bickering as well as intense lobbying campaigns from the Midget Anti-defamation League. Every Christmas I wake up and look in my wallet, hoping to find a shiny new license to legally carry a midget, only to find that jolly old Saint Nick hasn't gotten off his jolly old ass and read my Christmas letters. The adult in me knows that it's time to move on to better things, but the kid in me will always come back on Christmas morning, and will ever open my wallet in expectation, only to have his hopes dashed by the cold-hearted bitch we call Reality.
2. An Ivory-billed Woodpecker
Jesus fucking Christ I'm sick of hearing about this thing. Since early 2004, birdwatchers and avian scientists alike have been creaming their collective drawers over news that this bird—once thought extinct—had been sighted and videotaped in the National Wildlife Refuge in Arkansas. Now, teams the world over are setting out on treks to find this elusive little fucker. About once a month, there will be another report: "Ivory-billed woodpecker sighted in swamp!" WHO GIVES A FUCK. I have woodpeckers in my yard, and they are annoying as hell. They are the emo kids of the bird world. "Look at me. I'm almost extinct. Watch as I slam my head into this huge fucking tree hundreds and hundreds of times in a row." God, if you're there, please give me an ivory-billed woodpecker for Christmas. I'll tape myself with it, sell the tape for a shitload of money, and then eat that fucker. (This rant is not intended to offend michele.)
3. Livers on Demand
I've spent a good portion of this holiday season reflecting about how my penchant for beer is going to eventually affect my health. And while a more prudent way of avoiding the negative effects of imbibing my favorite beverage would be to stop drinking it all together, I have to be more realistic. After all, you can't live in a dream world every second of the day. So while scientists sit in their golden palaces, dreaming of ways to make computers faster and global warming slower, I can't help but think their attention would better be turned towards the liver. Yes my friends, our friendly organ the liver gets all too little attention these days. What I want is to be able to go to a store when I'm fifty—a store I go to every day. I want to walk up to the cash register with a twelve-pack of Shiner Bock and a nice forty of Schlitz. I want to hear the cashier say, "How's that cirrhosis today?" And I want to be able to answer, "Not so well. That's why I'll take your freshest liver available."
4. Kevin Federline's Head on a Stake
5. Ossie Davis to Rise from the Grave
Seriously—this guy was awesome. Every time I hear more news about the sequel to Bubba Ho-tep, I start looking for witch doctors in the phone book. Someone who, with a little bit of blood from a virgin and a live chicken, could bring back this wonderful actor, who would then reprise his role as a delusional black man in a nursing home who thinks he's JFK. Of course, the sequel is actually a prequel, but that doesn't mean the producers couldn't fit in, at the least, a cameo with our good buddy Ossie. Plus, I'd like to see a sequel to Grumpy Old Men, where Ossie, Jack Lemmon, and Walter Matthau all get raised from the dead, only to come back and bone hot sorority girls in the spine-tingling thriller, Grumpy Old Men Get Laid, then Go to the Free Clinic.
So there you have it—my list of things I want for Christmas that nobody can give me. What completely irrational things do you want to see under the tree when you wake up on Christmas morning?
Uber will settle for nothing else. Give him his midgets.....