You Want Me To Put What Where?
by Michele Christopher

Well, it is that time again. True confessions. Seems you guys get to know a little more about us each time we write up one of these.

Oh well.

Today's post comes on the cusp of us figuring out how to change the batteries on her vibrating bug like things. A question was asked and answered by both of us.

What are your favorite sex toys?

Since Michele has no idea what I am typing and she does not know that I secretly replaced her gourmet coffee with Folgers Brand Instant Coffee, I'll start.


Turtle starts to pump.

That just sounds funny.

But anyways, The main toy I like is the butterfly remote control clit stimulator, but that's just cause I like to watch people squirm from up to 20 feet away. So that's kinda boring. Instead, I'll go with the coolest looking toys I've seen in my life. Of course nothing will ever come close to the "12" bronze cock with bottle opener in balls" dildo, but really, what can compete with that. Or the mini penis flashlight that fits on your key-chain. I mean this is all good stuff, but we have to get realistic here. Wait. No I don't. Let's see the cool world of what I have seen. And maybe used. Maybe.

Anyways, lets get this going.

Let's start this out with something that is just funny. The Accomodator. accomodator.jpg

I have no clue who in the fuck this is accommodating. I mean really, if someone looked down on me while I was wearing it, I would really expect a laugh from her. I mean really. You have a dick growing out of your chin. Just the thought of it is funny. It would be a perfect Halloween costume.


But, other than that, I think it is just funny.

"Honey? Hold on a sec while I put this rubber cock on my chin."

That's funny.

Next up? autosuck 12 volt.jpg

The Auto-Suck 12-Volt with Cigarette Lighter Adaptor!*

Oh yeah! I'm using technology! A product built for the truckers of this great land called America (and parts of Canada). Sure, it might faze you to think that strapped on the end of this is a 300 pound trucker racked out on methamphetamine about to blow his load while traveling 95 in your lane, but what the hell! This kind of ingenuity made America great! There was a rumor that this little device almost wiped out the truck stop prostitution rings and the truck stop glory hole rings in one mighty 12 volt scoop. Alas, hookers and glory holes will still be around as long as dead car batteries plague this wonderful device.

*As endorsed by the National Truckers Association and the New York Mets

Turn the lights down low for this next one....

The DiscoDong!!!discodong.jpg

Maybe the 70's wouldn't have been so bad if the people only had these. The power of disco right in the palm of your hand. It's like you can see the fucking Bee Gees pulling down their polyester jumpsuits to triple team Donna Summer whenever you turn it on. Maybe just two of the Bee Gees. I think a few of them are dead. Come to think about it....maybe Donna Summer is dead too. Well, if you are from the 70's and you really dug the Bee Gees and/or Donna Summer, maybe you want to skip this dong. I mean who wants to get all hot and bothered while figuring out which one of the brothers Gibb was six feet under? Unless you are some goth kind of guy or girl. Come to think about it, do goth's have orgasms? Or is it more like some kind of weird thing they blame their parents for giving them?

"My mom hates me. She makes me cum."

I mean you really have to think about these kinda things.....

Next up it the funny ones that I have seen.chef.jpg

One of the best is quite naturally, the Lil' Chef Hidden Vibrator.

Oh come on. This is supposed to be hidden? First of all, I come from a place where dildos are thrown on pool tables and shown with pride to the neighborhood kids. Many a weekend would pass away as the neighborhood kids would come into our house and watch some blond getting her jets blown on our giant screen TV in Dolby surround sound. Sure, their parents didn't like us, but you can't make all of the people happy all of the time. So when I saw this "hidden" vibrator, I was appalled. Vibrators should be in every room in the house. They should be used as doorstops, dog toys, weapons, and every once in a while, explosives. When I wake up in the morning, I want to see a frozen dildo in my freezer from the night before. I don't want to know how it got there or for that matter, why it is there, I am just glad it is there. And I am glad that Americans are knocking off the shame of holding a frozen dong in one hand while screaming something about being out of "Pabst Blue Ribbon" in some sort of half naked "attack" pose first thing in the morning!fist.jpg

God bless America.

And last but not least is The Fist.

It is a fist.

That's pretty much all there is to it.

Just a fist

A fist.

That makes me giggle.

But, in all seriousness, my favorite sex toy is my best friend, Michele. She screams, cries, bitches and moans and sometimes I wish I could just turn her off, but in the end, she is better than a Real Doll and a lot cuter!

Plus she breathes!

/that sounded a lot more romantic when I was thinking it up...- T

Michele rides the bug.

My favorite sex toy is, well, a human. But you knew that. Let's talk about toys of the non human variety.

When Turtle came to visit in August, he bought me one of these.


This was bought at the checkout counter at Walgreens. They call them hand held massagers but, come on. You know damn well that everyone who picks one of these things up while waiting in line - whether they be 13 or 83 - is thinking the same thing: "Hey, they sell vibes at Walgreens!" Really, anything labeled "massager" is bound to be taken for a sex toy by someone. They have to know this when they make these products and places Walgreen's have to know this when they stragetically place the items right at eye level at the counter. When you are waiting in a long line, your mind wanders. You see this object and you start thinking about being vibrated in all the right places and how Jesus the gardener looked at you with those sultry brown eyes this morning and how long its been since you had anything besides your own hand down there and suddenly you find yourself reaching for one of these fuckers and a couple of spare batteries and telling the clerk to hurry it up and no, no need to bag it, you're going to be using it in the car thankyouverymuch.

This "massager" serves its purpose. Who knew that three AAA batteries could weild such power? Turn this on, place it just so and in about two minutes flat you'll be taking the lord's name in vain. In my defense, I did try to use it for its actual purpose, but every time I went to massage my back/legs/neck with this thing, it was just like playing with an Ouija board - that damn thing would move on its own accord, I swear. Maybe it was spelling out O-R-G-A-S-M in some weird bodily code. Either way, I never ended up giving myself a proper massage with this. At least not in the acceptable places.

However, that is not my all time favorite sex toy. Interestingly enough, my favorite toy is yet another object that was not intended for sexual pleasure.


The shower head.

The massaging, pulsating shower head.

I named my Henry. He was my best friend for a while. Henry love me long time.

See, no matter what kind of orgasm your guy gives you, no matter how many orgasms he gives you or how long they last or if he hits your G spot or makes you see Jesus or gives your cramps in your toes, those orgasms will still not compare to one you get from a shower head. Don't be threatened by this, guys. We know that this is not something a human being can do to is. No man can dole out that kind of pressure and stimulation in such a short period of time. No tongue, no finger, no John Holmes size penis can ever simulate the kind of action you get with a trusty old shower head. And that's a good thing. Because a showergasm is not something you want to have every day. It takes the wind out of you and makes you see stars and sometimes you might black out for a few minutes. When you come to, it's like coming down off a three day drug binge. Great while it lasts, but when it wears off you're left thinking that there's got to be a better, safer way to get your jollies.

Well, there is. While the massager/shower orgasms are fun and all, they are really more of the "let off some stress" variety of sexual pleasure than anything else. Give me a real flesh and meat "toy" any day of the week over the mechanical variety. Toys are nice, but they are just that. Toys.

See, once you find a guy that knows how to work magic with various body parts, you no longer have to stock up on batteries. - M

Now you know a little more about us than you really wanted to. And if we can share that kind of info, so can you. Tell us about your favorite sex toys. Hey, does a Real Doll come with replacable parts?

Michele and Turtle are professional journalists who spent many hours researching this topic.



You forgot the best. The foot-clit!

For foot people who want a little "extra"..


Paying $7000 (seriously) for a realdoll is like accepting the fact that you'll never touch a woman again.

Can't leave the fleshlight off here. It's a revolution in fake pussery!


my friend worked at a home for troubled teens. Everyday she would find this weird thing under the kids beds. a rubber glove packed with crisco rolled up in a towel.

I guess the kids threw it in the microwave for a few minutes then passed it around at night.


Jackhammer Jesus!


Aside from the human being i married, i think my favorite sex toy is my bass cabinet. Who needs a spin cycle when you can crank up the bass and sit on the cab?


Allow me to suggest a bass rig for the ladies.

Climb up on the 410 and I'll hit the B string, you'll pardon the pun.


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