I Should Be President of The World.
by Travis Gruber
After the State of The Union Address I have decided that, for the betterment of man kind, I should be president of the world. I may not have any political experience, and I may not seem like the most likely candidate, but I think I can do it. Below is my list of qualifications.
All sissies will be slapped around with olive loaf
Tired of cry babies ruining everything? Tired of hearing about superficial law suits that happen because some people are to stupid to breathe on their own? Tired of hearing people whine about being offended and getting their feelings hurt? Well in my administration, as President of The World, one of my minions (yes I would have minions) would carry around a softball bat size log of Olive Loaf. Anyone caught whining would be summarily beaten with said giant tube of Olive Loaf. Sissies don't deserve to be bludgeoned with real lunch meat.
My Secret Service would be an army of ninjas
To hell with having an elite protection force that attempts to blend in with low grade business men. My secret service will be nothing but ninjas. They will dress like ninjas. They will carry nunchucks, swords, and guns like ninjas. Most of all, they will kick ass like ninjas. If you were even thinking about stepping up to me, my elite team of ninja ass kickers would tear you a new asshole.
I would be a fighting president
Sick of seeing higher ranking people sending out the lower level personell to fight wars? Well once I am declared president of Earth I will kick ass along side the average joe. Of course seeing as how there will be no more war on Earth, the next place we are going to war with will be Mars. We'll show those filthy red planet bastards. And once we conquer Mars, we'll move on to Saturn. There is something in those rings, I must have them!!!
My Ninjas and I preparing to kick wicked amounts of ass on Mars.
My Vice President Would Rule
This is something that I have been debating heavily. Who should be my vice president? Considering all of the options I have narrowed it down to two possibilities: A Midget or A Hot Chick. Obviously everyone can see the comedic value in having a midget as a Vice President. There's lots of height jokes that can be made on late night tv, and if I ever run out of places to rest my cocktail, I can use his flat head. However, The Hot Chick, I mean come on, HOT CHICK! I can use her as eye candy to distract the martian scum and then whoop their asses with wicked style. This one's tough, I'll let you vote on it.
I will not censor anything
Tired of the government telling you what you can and can't listen too? Tired of the FCC dominating your television viewing? Well I refuse to censor anything, that's right, television and radio will be uncensored. I've been fed up with parents not doing their jobs as parents and expecting the government to step in for them. Once I am president of the world deciding what is morally decent for your kids will be your job, not mine. Don't want them to see sex, then don't let them watch it. Offended by what you hear on the radio, then change the station. I, on the other hand, will enjoy finally seeing wrestlers cuss at their opponents, and I am axiously awaiting Fear Factors "all naked playmate" episode. *scrumptious*
I will issue licenses to hunt Michael Jackson
I'm fucking fed up with Michael Jackson. How many times does he have to be brought up on charges of touching kids before someone makes the charges stick. As PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD I will issue hunting licenses spefically for Michael Jackson. I think that the death penalty takes too long, but I am willing to give him a sporting chance.
I will create another moon Now while you may be thinking that this will fuck up tidal stuff, and throw the earth of it's axis sending us plummeting directly into the sun, you're wrong. Also consider, what other President has ever been able to successfully create a whole new moon? NONE! How am I going to accomplish this you ask? How can you possibly create another huge piece of flotsam floating out in space, orbiting our planet? Simple. My room mate, Megan, has a huge head. By huge, I don't mean abnormally large, I also don't mean mishapen and disgusting. Megan has a nice round head, it's just gargantuan. One time when we were driving to work, she turned her head to quickly and caused a seventy-two car pile up. Nuns ran screaming from burning busses, four boy scouts never walked again after that day, and I am pretty sure her head killed a puppy. So, for the safety of all involved, and because it would be neat to be the ONLY president to create a new moon, I am sending Megan's head into space.
Now I understand that many of you may have questions so I have created a FAQ for you to reference for the time being.
Q: Will you have your own version of the White House?
Q: Where will this new Presidential Estate be located?
A: The Playboy Mansion
Q: What is your philosophy on foreign policy?
A: Look stupid, I am PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD, there are no more foreigners. Except for those filthy Martians, and oh how they will pay!
Q: Ninjas? Really?
A: SHIT YEAH!!!
Q: What kind of car will you drive, as President of the World?
A: The Batmobile, duh.
Q: When should groveling or ass kissing begin?
A: No need, I am a benevolent leader. Do you have a hot sister?
That's all the questions I have received so far. If you have a question, or you just want to voice your support for me becoming PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD just leave a comment.
Let's kill them filthy martians!
P.S. Don't forget to vote for Vice President.
President Travis is now taking applications for Director of Celebrity Detention Camps.
I nominate the midget hot chick from this season's Boston Legal and one episode of House. Problem solved.
Yeah, tell me I'm the only one who thought of it.
Posted by: Timmer | January 25, 2007 2:05 PM
I nominate a hot chick as VP. 'Cause then she has no real power and can just be looked at. I nominate a midget as Secretary of State because then we still get the jokes and he gets a real job.
Posted by: Cullen | January 25, 2007 2:42 PM
I think you deserve a comment here. Interesting parody.
Posted by: Peter Appleseed | January 25, 2007 8:30 PM
your comment was astounding in its potency and clarity. I'm going to go bludgeon myself now.
Posted by: Travis | January 25, 2007 8:49 PM
I found Peter's comment to be both shallow and pedantic, while Travis's response to Peter's comment was astute.
I'm going to go stab myself in the face with a spork now.
Posted by: michele | January 25, 2007 9:01 PM
I agree: shallow and pedantic
Posted by: Travis | January 25, 2007 9:17 PM
Commenter Peter now has as many comments here as Travis. That deserves a comment.
Posted by: Dan | January 26, 2007 8:11 AM
You deserve a comment for commenting Peter's comment which commen... crap I ruined it for everyone. Funny article, at least you don't sit on the fence. You'd get stuff done. You've got my vote.
Posted by: ADT | January 26, 2007 7:21 PM
I had a comment on the midget from Freaks, but Travis's responses to Peter's lucid and on-topic comment made me forget it.
Posted by: Veeshir | January 31, 2007 2:11 PM
Uh-oh, you're going against Roller/Gates 08. They're going to be a tough team to beat.
Posted by: Veeshir | January 31, 2007 2:13 PM