TAFC#1: 50 Best Fictional Bands
by Michele Christopher

Remember back in the early days of FTTW when we did the Top 100 Punk Songs and then the Best Punk Albums? Well, we had a lot of fun with that and we decided to run something like that again, but on a permanent kind of basis.

Welcome to the newest new thing at Faster Than The World - The Almost Final Countdown.

TAFC is a new column that will appear almost every day. Basically, it's a continuing series of countdowns, lists, and things that have numbers on them and tell you what's the best and worst of something. Like that.

What will happen is this: On Monday, the new category will be announced. The editors (or two of the four editors) will have their picks up for the category, so we start you out with either the first 10 or 20 of the list.

This is where you come in. This is an interactive kind of thing. On Monday when we post the category and our picks, it's your job to head over to the comments and give us your nomination list for that category. You can name 1, 5, 459, whatever floats your boat. We'll pull nominations from the comments in order to continue the list for the rest of the week until we reach the determined number (sometimes 50, sometimes 100, could be some random number). Then on Sunday, we'll put up the final list and a POLL. From the voting on that poll we will determine the winner of that list category (AND THE NUMBER ONE SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF YOUR FAILED HIGH SCHOOL RELATIONSHIP IS.....like that)...and we'll announce the winner of that category as well as introduce the new list on Monday. The winner gets a beautiful, hand photoshopped, engraved trophy that goes into the FTTW TAFC Hall of Fame.

Think of us a VH1 without the ubiquitous presence of Ian Michael Black.

Sounds like fun, right? Not too confusing or anything? Good, because we are ready to start with this week's list.

.....drum roll.......


I bet you didn't know just how many there are.

For the first 10 from the list, we have two of our editors making their pics. The other two editor's picks will be up tomorrow. It's your job to use the comments to help us come up with the other (does quick math in head) 30 bands to round out the list. Then, like I said above, on Sunday we'll put up a poll of all 50 to determine the numero uno, king of the hill, top of the crop, etc., etc., etc.

And now, the first ten. 1-5 are from Turtle.

17120880-0-m.jpg1. Billy and the Boingers (Bloom County) - AKA Deathtongue before Steve Dallas caved in front of some kind of replica of the PMRC. Love rhinos and acne from space were no match for them. Middle of the road. Man it stank. Let's roll over Lionel Ritchie with a tank. These guys were truly before their time. Plus if you got the book, you got a flexi-single in it with such timeless wonders like "U Stink But I Love U."

I miss the electric tuba.

2. The Queenhaters - This was just a gimmie. Booked on Mel's Rock Pile on SCTV, this punk band held no words when it came to their disgust of the Falklands War. Man, they were pissed. Taxes and inflation were causing dope prices to go sky high and they couldn't afford them anymore. So they were taking it to the streets and letting Canada know that they were pissed.

3. The Darlings - Andy Griffith makes it in here with these lovable stone faced moonshining backwoods gitar playing hillbillies. They were a family of people would give the banjo player in Deliverance a run for his money. Always causing a ruckus by not doing anything. True backwood men who could pick and grin with the best of them then turn around and still up some of the best moonshine Mayberry had ever seen. Plus, they had a jug player. That's just funny.

4. Alice Bowie (Up in Smoke) Chong and his Qualude shirt and Cheech in whateverthefuck standing on the stage. Too cool for school. I remember when I was a kid, if you knew the lyrics to Earache In My Eye, you were considered not only a stoner, but a super stoner. Only the upper echalon of stoners knew the words to this. And if you could play the riff on the guitar? Amplified? That meant you were a Dope God to be worshipped by the fools who only "kind of" knew the words to this song.

"Caught me in the bathroom with a pair of pantyhose."

Yeah. You guys all know it.

What was with the Mexican background band anyways?

5. Rod Torfulson's Armada Featuring Herman Menderchuk - This was a great band. It reminds me of a lot of garage bands. In fact, this is the garage band to beat all garage bands. Three kids in their parent's basement trying to figure out the music industry while still trying to figure out puberty. The Kids in the Hall brought us this trio of kids with dreams who were, come hell or high water, gonna make it. Cause you're just a tramp, tramp trampoline girl.

6-10 are from Michele

6. The Beets (Doug)
I just thought it was cute how Doug was really into this band and was always trying to score tickets and stuff. Plus, they had a song called Killer Tofu. In my next life, when I'm a rock and roll star, my band will be called Killer Tofu.

7. 2ge+her (from the MTV show)
Shut up. I loved this show so much. I was surrounded by grade school girls who were totally into the boy band rage at the time, and this show was a much needed parody of all that. And it was funny. How can you not love a song with lyrics like "Say it, don't spray it. I want the news not the weather." Or "I know my calculus, it says you + me = us." That's quality stuff right there.

8. Arseface (from the comic book Preacher)
Long story short. Arseface was a loser kid who worshiped Kurt Cobain. His father abused him, his mother didn't care and he only had one friend. When Cobain offed himself, he and the friend made a suicide pact, where they would shoot their own brains out.. The friend aced the pact. Arseface failed at dying and ended up with a face that, well, looked like an ass. Arse if you're English. Arseface was exploited by this guy called The Sergeant and embarked on a rock and roll career, if you call "hey, let's see what this freak is gonna do/say next" a career. Which, really, a lot of rock stars do. Anyhow, I kinda liked Arseface. Or pitied him. Either way, I thought he deserved better than he got.

9. The Silver Platters (Brady Bunch)
This is a total nostalgia pick. It was either this or the Banana Splits and I happen to know one of the other editors is grabbing the Splits, so I ended up going with this. This group really personified the Bradys and what they were all about. So wholesome. Pure angelic goodness. The lengths they went through to get money to get the silver platter for their parents was enough to make even Charles Ingalls feel humbled. I always wondered why they didn't just sell Cindy on the black market to get the money. No one liked her anyway.

mcpeepants.jpg10. MC Pee Pants (Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
So Meatwad is totally grooving to this new song:

I want candy, bubble gum, and taffy
Skip to the sweet shop with my sweetheart Sandy
Got my pennies saved so I'm her sugar daddy
I'm her Hume Cronyn and she's my Jessica Tandy, I want candy!

The new hit from MC Pee Pants is doing something weird to Meatwad and, well, there's stuff about subliminal messages and power drilling to hell and demons and a spider wearing Depends. Just another day on ATHF.

I picked this not just because a spider wearing Depends and singing about candy is cool, but because it's MC Chris.

So there's 1-10 of the best fictional bands ever. Now it's your turn. Nominate some bands and we'll take them and put them up on the list during the week.

Here's a slew of fake bands to get you started. thinking. Now get nominating and let's get this countdown party started.



Spinal Tap, of course.


In order of preference -- Josie and the Pussy Cats, The Riverbottom Nightmare Band (Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas), and Cold Slither (consisting of some members of Cobra from GI Joe cartoons). This despite the fact that none of their amps go to 11.


Holy shit I can't believe someone wrote Rod Torfulson's Armada Featuring Herman Menderchuk before me.

I'll have to go with Moop then, another great garage band.


MOOP is from South Park, just so people know.

Which leads me to nominate Fingerbang.


Pain from CHiPs.

The punk rock band who destroyed things at the battle of the bands

punkers are crazy and rude


Who was that gay heavy metal band from Mr. Show? They didn't know they were gay. The ones who got their gay sex party videotape leaked to the internet?


Timmy and the lords of the underworld.



Eddie and the Cruisers, anyone?


Hey Turtle, that was Wicked Sceptre


HAHA. I can't believe this is the topic today. I actually woke up this morning singing "Baby on Board" by the B-Sharps, Homer Simpson's barbershop quartet with Apu, Skinner, and Barney. Classic episode.


Do the Blues Brothers count as a fake band?

Also Tenacious D, what is their status as a band, fake or real?

I need a ruling here.

Also also, what was the name of Pebbles and Bam-Bam's band?


After much discussion, we have a ruling.

Blues Brothers and Tenacious D are real bands.

As are the Monkees, if anyone was gonna say them.


I have to second Spinal Tap.

Also nominate, 'The School of Rock'.


And who can forget the band that will lead us all into a world of peace and harmony--the Wyld Stallyns.


Stallyns rule!!


Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate

Don "No Soul" Simmons from Amazon women on the moon



Since dan beat me to Dr. Teeth I hereby nominate DVDA!!!!


Bum-bum-bum bum-bum: Brian!
Bum-bum-bum bum-bum: Skate!

I second DVDA!


DVDA is a real band though....



DVDA is a REAL band.

*sings "now you're a man"


I can't believe I forgot Niggaz With Hats.


What about The Rutles?


Aw crap... Michele and Cullen got two of mine. Back to the website...


i forgot about the rutles


Jackie Rodgers, Jr

Nick Rivers


what about Jack Butler from Crossroads. I'm not sure what his band was named but he was owned by Satan. And it was Steve Vai. So that is kinda cool.


I'm going with Rex Manning, the cheeseball from Empire Records.


Now I'm all depressed, I was going to get to use my "Pre-Fab Four" joke about the Monkees but they were disqualified.

I gotta go with Alice Bowie if only for the lyrics, "Mexican Americans... Take Spanish... And get a 'C'."


I was gonna say Dethklok, but someone told me they were a real band. :(


No they are not, Pril.

All the music for Dethklock is done by Brendon Small (who did the previous Adult Swim hit Home Movies).


Dr. Teeth is REAL (I don't care if he's a muppet).

I would like to take this opportunity to nominate

Jem and the Holograms.

Because they are TRULY outrageous.


Michele, if you're going to quote DVDA, please do it right. It's "now you're a mayon", as in the beginning of a very well-pronounced "mayonnaise".

Also, I second Fingerbang.

And while I'm not necessarily willing to nominate them, how damn funny is it that the Richie Rich comic had a band called "Jizm" in it? That's beautiful.


Is there a name for the band on Space Ghost: Coast to Coast? I would like to nominate them.


Joel, I never seen a man eat so many chicken wings.


The one that immediately leaps to mind, of course, is Spinal Tap. I mean, you HAVE to be a great band for your drummer to rock so hard he combusts, no?

Also, I have to heartily second the nominations for The B-Sharps and The School of Rock. While your at it, throw in "Stewie and The Cowtones" from the Family Guy episode where they go into witness protection.

"Warm out today....warm yesterday...even warmer today..." dum-dikka-dum-dikka-dum


In case anyone hasn't seen the Family Guy I'm referring to:

Stewie and the Cowtones!


I'd like to nominate a real band playing as a fake band playing a real song.



And they were so spicy, Cullen!


I cant belive nobody said "Strange Fruit" from the films "Still Crazy" which is a must see if you havent.

"Steel Dragon" from "Rockstar", I mean, come on, it was pure 80's rock n roll nonsense. Mark Wahlberg as a lead singer of a cross between Iron Maiden and Journey, dude, really. Loved it.


Ok then! I nominate Dethklok!

And Steel Dragon. hehehe. That wasn't a bad movie.

I'd also like to nominate The (Fabulous) Stains


Hard Core Logo and Sonic Death Monkey aka Barry Jive and the Uptown Five.


The Commitments

The Archies Who didn't own Sugar Sugar? Bullshit, you're lying, you at least got it off a box of Sugar Crisps.

The Groovie Goolies!

Billy Mack from "Love Actually." Mostly because Bill Nighy kills me no matter what he's doing.


Here's a place to tickle your memory:



Although my absolute favorite is:

Buckaroo Banzai and the Hong Kong Cavaliers


Okay pril, I've been over at YouTube and I hereby withdraw my nomination of Dove and second that of Dethklok.


DuJour, from Josie & The Pussycats


The Space Ghost band is called "Zorak and the Wayouts".

I loves the Dethklok. I also love Scäb, the fake band from Home Movies.


"crystal shit" from the dead milkmen record


Autobahn. Because they're nihilists.

Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. I think they have an ethos.


Smeg and the Heads, from Red Dwarf

Lister and the rest of the gang go back in time to Lister's Glam-Rock days in which he went by the name "Smeg" and the rest of the band was "The Heads".

They find the band in the local pub singing thier signature tune "OM", which consisted of the band playing really badly while Lister kept going "Ommmmmmm, Ommmmm, Ommmmmm."

In the hands of the right band, a cover version could work


I think the Darlings were a real band, and are cited in the credits, but I do not have a library of old Andy Griffith shows to check.

In any case, I nominate my own fictional band, Carson Fire and the Waterdogs.


The Dregs of Humanity from the show "It's Your Move"

Zit Remedy from the original "Degrassi Jr. High"

and can we count The Monkees?


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