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by Branden Hart
Ted Rhobe Rae is unable to write this week, as he is dealing with a joint lawsuit brought against him by Child Protective Services and the Association for Protection of Midget Rights. Below, Uberchief dishes out advice in the form of a fable from the magical land of Deep Forest, where animals can talk, get drunk, and contract venereal disease.
I have a friend who has been having an affair with a married man for a year an a half. A few months ago, she had a fling with another guy and feels that she has "cheated" on the guy that she is having the affair with. WTF??
My friends are nut jobs
Dear My friends are nut jobs,
Wow, that is quite a quandary! On one hand, your friend sounds like quite a slut, which is always a good thing in my book. On the other hand, she sounds batshit crazy. It reminds me of the tale of Ron Rabbit.
Ron Rabbit was the most caring rabbit in all of Deep Forest. When Craig Caterpillar needed a ride to the methadone clinic, Ron put down what he was doing to take him. When Lucy Ladybug needed to get tested for HPV and herpes, he put down what he was doing and took her to Planned Parenthood. When Bird needed someone to help clean his nest out for Spring, he put down what he was doing and went to help. There was nobody in Deep Forest who didn't count on Ron in some way.
One day, Percy Porcupine was walking by as Ron Rabbit was fixing the door to his rabbit hutch.
"Good morning Percy!" said Ron, smiling.
"Not for me, it isn't," grumbled Percy. "One of the workmen at the clinic must have stopped up the toilet--there's crap all over the floor and it stinks worse than usual in there."
"That sounds horrible Percy! What can I do to help?"
"Could you bring your tools and help me figure out how to fix it?"
"Sure!" said Ron. He stopped fiddling with the door to his hutch, grabbed his tools, and followed Percy to the free clinic. Sure enough, raw sewage was everywhere, and it was even seeping out from under the front door.
"Well, this is going to take some work Percy," sighed Ron. "But I'm up for it! They don't call me the most helpful animal in Deep Forest for nothing!"
"That's the spirit!" said Percy. "Let's get to work!"
They worked and worked all morning long. By late that afternoon, tired and ready for a nap, Ron announced that he had found the source of the backup and was done with his work.
"Thank you so much Ron!" said Percy. "I don't know what I would have done without you!"
"No problem!" said Ron.
The next day, Ron was working on fixing his door when Luther Lion walked by.
"Good morning Luther!" said Ron.
"Not so good for me," growled Luther. "I lost every single bit of my money at the track last night. And I thought I had a sure thing!"
"I'm sorry," said Ron. "You know you shouldn't be gambling. Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Actually," whispered Luther, "if you can help me fix tonight's race, I'll get my money back, and enough extra to help you buy a new door!"
Though Ron didn't agree with Luther fixing the race, he had never turned anyone down who asked for help. "Sure!" said Ron. He stopped fiddling with the door and followed Luther to the track.
"Now what I need you to do," said Luther when they arrived, "is spread a rumor that Number 5 is sick and won't be racing well today. Then I'll be the only one who bets on Number 5, and we'll be rolling in cash!"
"Well, this is going to take some work Luther," sighed Ron. "But I'm up for it! They don't call me the most helpful animal in Deep Forest for nothing!"
"That's the spirit!" said Luther. "Let's get to work!"
All it took was a couple of well placed whispers, and in minutes, the entire park was abuzz with news of Number 5's recent illness. Soon enough, Luther was the only animal with money on Number 5. Ron and Luther watched the race in silence, and sure as Sun, Number 5 placed first!
"Oh Ron, thank you thank you thank you!" he handed Ron the money for a new door, and went off to celebrate.
The next day, after going to Home Depot with the money Luther gave him, Ron was working on installing his new door when Betty Bat flew by overhead.
"Good morning Betty!" yelled Ron as she zoomed around overhead.
"Purple skyscraper cheesecake!" shouted Betty in a high pitched voice.
"Um...excuse me?" asked Ron.
"Purple--a purple one! Brown is fat. Rename the brown fat!"
"I...um...maybe I'm not understanding you..."
"Young tampon ridiculous! Ridiculous tampon! Pew! Pew!"
Ron was losing his temper. Why was Betty always so crazy? Every time she flew close to him, he tried to ask her what she was talking about, but every time, she would zoom off, babbling about young, ridiculous tampons over and over again.
"Wow--she is crazy!" thought Ron to himself. "I'm going to try and talk some sense into her."
"Betty!" he yelled. "Put me down!"
"Tampons!" she screeched.
"You can't!" yelled Bird. "She's crazy, and crazy people don't listen to reason. Better just hold on tight, and try to enjoy yourself."
And that's just what Ron did. By the time Betty got tired and flew down to the ground (now just whispering things about tampons quietly to herself) Ron had seen parts of Deep Forest he had never seen before! The crisp, sparkling waterfall and the crystal clear lake, the hills that jutted out of the south above the tip tops of the trees. They were beautiful! And for the rest of his days, when he felt life was too boring, or something exciting needed to happen, he just sat back and dreamed about the day Betty Bat took him on a wild, crazy adventure.
The moral of the story is: you can fix a toilet, you can fix a horse race, but you can't fix crazy. Might as well just hang on and enjoy the ride!