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FTTW: Behind the Scenes
by Michele Christopher
You ever find yourself wondering, what goes into making FTTW? You say things like "How do those guys come up with all these amazing ideas and schemes and stuff? How do the ideas for the Group LNT and Editor's Picks come about? Why, I bet they have nightly meetings where they brainstorm and use each other's razor sharp minds, intelligence, creativity and maturity to come up with new and interesting subjects for the readers of FTTW!"
Yes. Something like that.
Want to see?
Then pull back the magic curtain and witness the email conversation that went on today between the four editors of FTTW: Michele, Turtle, Finn and Baby Huey. What follows is a glimpse into the inner workings of a well-oiled machine. Think a Fortune 500 company business meeting, if the CEO was handing out crack and vodka. Or if everyone there was 12 years old.
M: Yea, it's only Tuesday, but we need to start thinking. Especially about the group LNT for this week? Any ideas? Any ideas for editor's picks for this weekend?
T: weirdest and best early morning breakfast. only cause i am eating saurkraut. and it is good. something with food?
M: something to do with food works for me.....breakfast foods....any other ideas?
BH: i like the idea of weird breakfast foods, cause i'm all about cold pizza and rooster sauce to get your day going.
T; gross sounding foods for breakfast that really are kinda good?
F: Odd food that taste good first thing in the morning should be a goldmine, as long as everyone doesn't go with cold pizza....And for the record, cold veggie lo mein rocks the house....
T: ug. the only time i can eat chinese food is when it is cold. it's weird cause that's when all the fat goos together and it really is kinda gross, but man, your shit slides right out of your ass after a big pile of noodles first thing in the morning.
you guys prolly didnt need to know that. but im going with menudo.
BH: you like eating 1980's latino boy bands for breakfast?
M: hey you already accused him of messing with thai boys today. One pedopheliac sexual innuendo per day! Or people will start to wonder. About you.
BH: thai LADYboys, thankyouverymuch.
T: menudo was cool. i remember them on ABC in the early 80's. menudo was cool.
M: was that the same week that Mikey from Life cereal died from eating pop rocks and soda?
T: mikey died of a broken heart when he found out cyndi from the brady was doing porn with the sniper who was killed in vietnam.
you know. she was fucking the beaver.
speaking of funny nicknames, i once knew a guy called "lefty" cause he lost his right testicle in a football accident. even his parents called him "lefty". that was funny.
T: speaking of ladyboys, does anyone else call out "ladyboy" instead of "ladybird" when hank hill calls his dog on "King of the hill?"
or is that just me? LAADDYYBOYYYY!!
M: That's just you babe. Lay off the dope. Or the saurkraut. Or the Thai Ladyboys.
F: It might be the combination of ladyboys and saurkraut... Very potent and I'm not sure even the Turtle could handle it.... I tried it once and was blind for a week.
M: Ok, i'm starting to think that "ladyboys" doesnt mean what i think it means.
T: they are like those cute ladybugs except they are prepubecent men dressed as woman who fuck for money.
and they don't eat aphids.
well maybe they do if you pay them enough.
M: I see.
Ok. Now I have this image in my mind of some pre-teen Thai boy in a Ladybug costume eating aphids while some naked European businessmen throw money at him.
T: now you see what i see everytime i close my eyes. ceptin the businessmen all have butterscotch sundays.
i like butterscotch.
M: You told me that when you close your eyes you see Martin Short in a tutu, slathering himself in Crisco.
T: i USED to see martin short when I closed my eyes . USED to.
Before i took care of the problem.
Before you go opening your mouth anymore about my past, you might wanna ask yourself why you don't see Martin Short making movies anymore......
F: You used the "Lil' Brain Surgeon Home Lobotomy Kit" didn't you ? What
You might get it infected...
M: He got the home lobotomy set mixed up with the home distilling setup and drank some of the wrong fluids.
Explains the whole Martin Short thing, but not the ladybugs.
T: home distilling is easy.
i figured it out in a dream one night and when i went on line in the morning, my dream was right.
but someone won't let me make any in her garage.......
M: Dude. This is not Mayberry. As much as you want it to be.
T: you tell otis that when he is YOUR cell mate
the only thing otis is good for is a quick cum drum. Shit, he still pees standing up! What kinda cell bitch is he gonna make?
F: I made a still for my seventh grade science class... I flunked the project because it was an "unapproved project"... The old bastard still drank my booze...
we used to do that in art class. We made bongs that looked like half pipes and ashtrays and shit like that.
I swear the teacher took those fuckers home.
M: I made a bong in 8th grade art class and got a passing grade on it. i told the teacher it was an abstract art vase. i don't think he fell for it, but he seemed to like it.
Ummm how else would Otis pee? He's a guy.
F: I used to live with a guy who sat down to pee... He'd insist on it. Of course, he was the hairiest individual I've ever met, so sitting down was the least of his problems....
BH: (replying late the to the Mayberry thing) Pretty close here. We've even got a statue of Andy and Opie in downtown Raleigh.
Suck on that, Strong Island.
M: Sure, but do you have a statue of Otis?
We're erecting one in my backyard. Made entirely out of barley and hops.
And if you ever say STRONG Island again, I'll knife you in the face.
M: Which leads me to an idea for editor's picks for this weekend:
A fictional place from tv where you would like to live.
F: And that motion is seconded.... I call Moya....
Also, the only time the "Strong Island" is appropriate is if you're Chuck D circa 1989 and you're performing. "Rebel Without A Pause" live at the Hammersmith. Other than that, it should never be used.
M: Even then it's kinda iffy.
People who say "Strong Island" all look like they belong on Growing up Gotti.
I'm thinking I want to live in that place where the Beaver lived.
BH: i want to live in sarah chalke from scrubs's pants. i wonder if i can make a whole post out of that.
T: walnut grove would be pretty cool.
i could rule that town the first day i came in.
i like the idea.
M: Gee. Who woulda thought that you'd say Walnut Grove?
BH, that's a lame cop out.
T: you want to go thru the spankin' machine again tonight?
M: Would it be weird if I said yes?
T: i could be charles ingals and you could be nellie olsen?
always up to your tricks?
but getting "straightened out" "in the end" til "my rod is sore" and you are filled "with my cum"?
/couldn't really disguise that last one.
M: I think this borders on Too Much Information for BH and Finn.
Then again, maybe not.
I'm gonna go buy a pinafore on my way home.
BH: Bite me. I'll come up with something better.
F: Spanking machine ?? What's wrong with you kids today ?? I remember, back in my day, that if I wanted to redden my little woman's bottom, I used my hand! Not some new fangled, nuclear powered machine !! You kids have machines for everything !!
T: what with their nicotine, and their dan fogelberg rock and roll music.
T: i think ill come up with something better too. too bad more shows weren't done about tijuana.
T: or more shows about prostitution...
i guess a case could be made for the Golden Girls having something to do with the sex industry....
BH: oooh the house from designing women. i'd be the only straight guy there. i'd get more bumper than a body shop.
too bad i never watched the show.
F: I tell ya!! I haven't bought a record since Mel Torme quit the business the hard way.. Nothing says "sweet lovin" like the Velvet Fog and a freshly smacked ass.... Damn kids....
And Golden Girls.... Just ew.
T: i though of designing women too but everytime i think about it, either delta burke's fat ass stomps its way into my mind like a fat woman at an all you can eat buffet or the blond comes in trying to implicate the president on some case of selling nerve gas to terrorists
so tha's a no go for me.
M: I want to live in the Square Pegs world! Or maybe the Ponderosa. Or in the twilight zone.
BH: i was gonna be metal and say i want to live in dethklok's world, but since i'm not actually IN the band, i'd have a life expectancy of about 8 minutes.
BH: Ok, I got it. I'm calling Cheers. Yes. I want to live in the bar. I'll have my post done by Thursday.
F: "What do your favorite editors get on about when they should be working ? Ladybugs, Mel Torme, spanking machines and the Ponderosa... That's what..."
T: what about baywatch
every week you would get to see someone drown and learn life saving techniques
M: Uh yea. THat's what you watch Baywatch for. Uh huh.
T: too bad there werent any good coal mining tv shows
maybe cause working in a coal mine kinda sucks and it's just not that fun watching to see if the canary dies every week.
M: I think I want to live in the Aqua Teen Hunger Force world. Cause living in a world where shape shifting meat lives would rule.
F; Hanging out with the Mooninites would be a good time.... But you'd always be paranoid about leprechauns stealing your shoes.
BH: i'm a country bumpkin, remember? i only own shoes because i have to. having them stolen would just be a convenient excuse to not wear them. besides, ATHF world would rule if only because I would get to hear Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary every February 18th (yes, that's a hint.).
And that's where our story ends. We all scattered to our little worker bee stations and got on with our regularly scheduled Tuesday. But we managed to come up with two column ideas as well as some colorful, imaginative sexual scenarios.
All in a day's work.
And that's behind the scenes at an FTTW think tank. Our minds were a terrible thing to waste.