I Think I'll Eat Some Worms And Die
by Michele Christopher
I'm tired, I've eatin more in the past two weeks than I ate in all of 2006, it's the last day of my vacation and I'm pissed because the courts are open tomorrow even though we were closed on Reagan's day of mourning. Gerald Ford doesn't matter? This is bullshit. I am alerting the press. I'm going to let them know that GERALD FORD DIED IN VAIN! What's the point of a grand death and funeral if state employees don't get the day off for it?
Speaking of death, tonight's topic is cool ways to die. I don't want to even get into how we came up with this subject. You'll find out soon enough. Suffice it to say, this was Turtle's idea. I, Michele, had nothing to do with the thinking process that went into this one. I just had the camera. He's the one who did something that made him think of this topic. Dude likes to live life on the edge. I'm just here to take the pictures and laugh and wait for him to die in some way that will become a Fark headline. At least he'll have that going for him.
So...Cool ways to die.
Turtle has been thinking...
So tonight has been a morbid night. I don't know if the Twilight Zone marathon had anything to do with it or the fact that I am turning 54 in two weeks. Close to AARP age but so far away from Senior discounts. This is why I hate America. I've told everyone that America was going downhill right when HBO stopped showing skinflicks but no one listened. Fools.
So tonight I have been preparing for my death. I had to ask everyone around me what would be the coolest way to die. I mean, everyone would love to die with their family around and some warm glow pissing over their pale skin as they repent for all their sins of watching to much Mayberry and lusting over Aunt Em's frosted pies but in reality, that shit don't happen. Most of the people I have seen die have been in some stupid suicide pact over the new Harry Potter book or cause someone forgot to restock the shelves with the new My Chemical Romance CD. Kinda boring stuff. I mean if you want to go out, blast the fucking doors and let it all loose.
So if I had to die, these are the ways I want to go out.
If I had a choice that is.
Riding naked off a cliff on a chopper
This would have to be first. Hell, since I was a kid, I knew I was going to die on a motorcycle. Those things seemed to take out most of my friends who have had them so it is only logical that this is the way for me to go. Sure, I have been in motorcycle wrecks, but none that would justify my blood on the street. Face it. Dying on a 50cc motorcycle is something that would make your momma cry for your pussy ass way of meeting the hereafter. God don't like pussies in his gang. So if-in I die, it's going to have to be naked on a chopper.
I think this would be easy to tell when I was going to die, too. I mean, the next time I get on a chopper naked, I would be able to tell that this might be the final ride. And think of all the cool stories you could tell in the big pool hall in the sky.
"I was hit by three semi trailers. Racked my body for 75 feet before the trucks stopped. How you die?"
"Shot by fourteen cops. I killed them all but one. You?"
"I got my testicles caught in the crankshaft of a fully converted Indian while driving offa cliff singing an Allman Brothers song."
That would be cool.
The next way would have to be lighting a body part on fire. Granted this one would be harder to tell when it was coming on. I like to play with fire. I like to see things burn. It's not a problem. It's a situation. I feel that god gave me something...a part of me..that was highly flammable, God put that in me for a purpose. And if that flammable material just happens to come out of my ass, then who am I to judge God's will?
Yes, I light farts. Go ahead and laugh at me. I blame my parents for never getting me a Nintendo machine when I was younger.
But anyways, my ass gas will be the death of me. I think the best part of going up in a fireball of Methane and processed ass gas cabbage rolls would be the look on my face when I realize that maybe the third helping of sauerkraut wasn't the best idea.
Besides, then I could make it on Ripley's Believe It Or Not or some show like that. Right next to the guy with the spike in his head. "The Asstastic Fire Blaster." Think about it. They could make a movie about me! An ABC after school special!
With Kenny Rogers playing me!
Really, anyone could play me. I don't care.
As long as "The Gambler" is on the soundtrack.
Cause I like that song.
Jumping into a volcano as it is erupting
This is something that I always wanted to do. Maybe it was cause I was always fascinated by Pliny the Elder.* He liked volcanoes and went up to Vesuvius to check it out before it overwhelmed him and took out some city like Pompeii or something like that. See that's cool. Knowing that you are going to die and instead of trying to escape or help your fellow people out before the lava and ash kills you all, cruise up to where it is coming out of the fucking mountain and check that fucker out. Fuck it, man. We're all going down anyways. Tell the whole world to kiss my ass cause if this whole fucking city is going down and at least I'll die with my dick pointing towards the danger rather than you cowards.
I could think of some more ways to go out but right now, it is time for a little "fire on the mountain" if you know what I mean. - T
*FTTW is not responsible for anyone learning anything on this site.
Michele gets gets explosive:
Give me a minute to think here, because I never really put "dying" and "cool" in the same sentence before.
Ok, got it.
You had to know this would be first. How many times have I written here about my fascination with all things zombie and my desire to actually become one of the undead some day. I don't know if this is a good enough answer or not, because when you get killed by a zombie you don't really die, you kind of...un-die. But you have to be dead first to become undead, right?
Anyhow, when the zombie invasion comes, I'm not going to be running away like the rest of you pussies. I'm not going to hide in a shopping mall or try to kill the army of zombies with homemade flamethrowers. Instead, I am going to climb on the top of a low building, probably the nearest elementary school. I'm going to hang out on the roof until a roving gang of undead people spot me and they swarm in front of the building trying to figure out how to get me down off the roof to make a meal out of me. But they won't have to worry. Because I'll be up on that roof with my old school Sony Walkman on, with a cassette tape of Slayer's "Season in the Abyss" turned up to 11. And I'm gonna do the most bad ass stage dive ever known to mankind. As soon as "Dead Skin Mask" starts off I'll fly right off that roof into the waiting arms of my new zombie overlords. And I will become one with them.
Why the hell not? If I'm gonna go out, I'm taking as many people as I can with me. I've played out the "shoot everyone from a water tower" scenario in my head and while it might be cool to go down in a hail of SWAT team bullets, it's probably not near as much fun as standing in the middle of a mall wearing some TNT fashion statement and yelling things like "I'M GONNA LIGHT THIS FUCKER UP! I MEAN IT! AND I'M TAKING ALL THE EMPLOYEES OF ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH WITH ME!" Then I'd just watch those girlie men with their dirty white boy haircuts and 80 dollar t-shirts pee their factory wrinkled cargo pants. By the time I finally set off my explosives and go off to that great gig in the sky, I'd have tormented everyone working/shopping at American Eagle, Hot Topic, PacSun, Sharper Image, Baby Gap, Banana Republic, Hollister, The Apple Store and Build-a-Bear. Just for shits and giggles. I may be about to die, but I'm gonna do it with a satisfied grin on my face.
Not really a cool way to die, but certainly a conceivable option when your 34 year old boyfriend posts on the internet a picture of himself lighting his farts on fire.
And that's some of our cool (albeit foolish) ways to die. Let's hear yours.
Turtle and Michele implore you to not try these things at home