You'd think I'd learn my lesson about making sports bets. I mean, I bet on the Jets. What kind of idiot bets on the Jets. This is the team that has "We Will Disappoint You" printed on the back of their seasons tickets.

Well, they should.

So I lost the bet with Ernie and now, thanks to Turtle, I have to write a glowing review of the Fergie Album The Dutchess.

It should be stated right here that he chose that particular bet because he knows how much I loathe Fergie. You would think that my standing relationship with Turtle would make him tilt the bets in my favor, but no. I think my suffering amuses him.

Well I'll show him. I'm gonna play the entire Fergie album while I write this in the FTTW headquarters. He'll be subjected to this shit if I have to listen to it because of him.

Without further ado, the "glowing" review.

The Dutchess (2006)

The record opens with Fergalicious, in which our dear Fergie laments:

I ain't easy, I ain't sleazy
I got reasons why I tease 'em
Boys just come and go like seasons

Clearly, this song is about feminism. Fergie, a former member of NOW who majored in Womyn's Studies at Barnard College is writing here about throwing off the shackles of the media-hyped definition of what women should be and saying farewell to the antiquated notion that women need to be playthings for men. She wants us to start using boys the way they use girls, turning the tables on their mysogynist ways.

I just wanna say it now I ain't tryin to round up drama little mama I don't wanna take your man
And I know I'm comin off just a little bit conceited and I keep on repeating how the boys wanna eat it
But I'm tryin' to tell, that I can't be treated like clientele

Sing it, Fergie! Tell those girlfriend's boyfriends that if they want to go down on you, they don't have to pay for it! Or.....something like that.

Song 2: Clumsy.

Can't breath
When you touch my sleeve,
Butterflies so crazy, mmm mmm
Whoa now, think I'm goin down
Friends don't know whats with me, mmm mmm

Fergie once again touches on a Very Important Topic in today's society. Rufies. What happens in this song is Fergie's date is spiking her drink so she feels all stoned and tripping. She is obviously losing control of herself and it won't be long until the dude has her in bed doing all kinds of crazy things to her and she'll wake up in a strange place saying "this is not my beautiful house." This song is a warning about the dangers of accepting drinks from strangers in sleazy bars. I applaud Fergie for taking on such a serious subject.

3. All That I've Got (the Make Up Song)
Here, Fergie continues her Women's Lib thing. She is what some people call a feminazi. I bet you didn't know that you can often see Fergie at rallies, marches and the like, holding up signs that detail the plight of the Woman of Today. For instance, she once led a march in front of L'Oreal headquarter to champion the cause of Feminists For Facial Freedom (4F) - a militant womyn's organization that wants the sale and distribution of all cosmetic products banned.

Would you love me if I didnt work out or I didnt change my
natural hair
I could be the one you could grow older with, baby
I’ll give you all that I got

You go, girl! What she's saying in this tune is that her man has got to love her, even without the hair extensions and eye shadow and hot bod. Love the person on the inside, not the outside! It would be really cool if Fergie took this all to heart and let herself go. Just dig into the Cheetos and stop working out and let her hair go all ratty and see if her man still loves her.

Then again, I think feminists don't really need men. Just batteries and each other.

4. London Bridge
Now As The drinks start pouring,
And my speech start slurring,
Everybody start looking real good.

[Verse 2] Grey goose got your girl feeling loose.
Now I’m wishin’ that I didn’t wear these shoes. (I hate heels)

You see what this song is about, right? It's about shoes and how The Man keeps us women down by telling us we need to wear high heels all the time. Most workplaces have dress codes in effect that dictate that a woman pretty much has to wear dressy shoes with heels. You know why they do that? So we can't run from them when they are grabbing our asses. There's something about drinking in here, too, and how men are all ugly unless we have our Vodka Goggles on.

Basically, the rest of the album visits the same themes as these songs. It's an ode to Fergie's dedication to the cause of putting women in a good light and showing the world that we aren't just hos to be played with, we aren't just trophies with tits, we aren't your property. Bitches up, hos down! Fergie the Feminist sets straight the record on this album - Womyn are people, too!

Dutchess is part social commentary, part feminist manifesto, and all booty-shakin'.

At least that's what I got out of it. Your fergalicious miles may vary.

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