Maybe This Is About Walnut Grove. Maybe Not
by Turtle Jones
What time of day is it? Guess I'd better start this. After a late night of cold sweats and bad TV, there is nothing like sitting down and typing something out. Since I think I may have finally hit the "bad" stage with my leftover sauerkraut and sleeping with the TV on, this post might be a little weird.
I know the rules to today's post are something like "pick a fictional place from TV or comics or something like that and tell why you like it" or something like that so I'll stick to that main theme. Idunno, it was something like that. But since I can't remember where I was last night, I am going to go with the ol' standby excuse. "I can't remember what the theme was so I just went out on my own." It works sometimes. All I have to do is avoid any conversation about what we are supposed to be writing about, then give that dumb, confused look when all of the Editor's Picks get published the next morning. You know that look. It's kinda like that "You didn't tell me I was supposed to be sober. What am I? A fucking mind reader?" look. Ceptin' this one is more like, "We were writing about what? Oh. Sorry about that."
So since I already told you what I will be looking like when you are reading this, I figure I might as well go all the way.
Sure. Everyone thinks I am going to write about Walnut Grove from Little House on the Prairie. What a wonderful place it would be to live with all those little life lessons and shit. Well fuck that. I ain't no one's patsy and I don't flip like a dog. I am not your puppet and all those early 80's hair metal bands song titles. Cause If you are going to pour some sugar on me baby, you are going to find out every rose has its thorn.
So let's get back to the topic. Walnut Grove. Shit, I think I spent a few paragraphs talking about not doing Th' Grove and I am going to end up doing it anyway. Oh well. I would like to live there. Sure. But it would have to have a few changes. So stick with me as I wave my magical wand over this quaint little town and turn it into Turtleland. You know. Turtleland. A nice place to visit but a shitty place to ride. So let's do this.
Nellie would be dead.
I don't wish on her a painful death. I mean hell, she was just annoying. So nothing gruesome has to happen to her. Just a public death that makes you stop and look at her body for a few seconds before moving on thinking to yourself, "I never thought about it like that before," and continue humming some fucked up version of "The Entertainer" from The Sting. Speaking of the Sting, did anyone else ever wonder exactly what year they cut off Paul Newman's balls and he started making salad dressing for poor people? I mean, I know the 70's were rough but fuck man, it's like he marched his way into old age with a chastity belt on. Every time I buy his salad dressing I don't know whether I am supporting poor people or NASCAR so I just avoid that stuff like the plague and stick to Best Foods Salad Dressing*.
Let's get back to the story.
This town's main business looks like mischief and, well either stillin' moonshine or farming. Still haven't figured that out. Hell, I still don't even know what the hell Charles is farming. He is always out tilling or whatever farmers do, but for some strange reason, they never grow anything but good, wholesome values and blind kids. Fucking freak farm out there filled with junkies and orphans. If they had welfare back then, this place would be a gold mine of barefoot kids, cashed government checks and Kool cigarette butts. Charles seems to spend more time at the lumber mill in town anyways. And really, if you think about it, he is a little too goody god damn two shoes for my liking. In fact that whole family is. So they need to go. Now I don't want them dead. That would be mean. Without that family, the present day as we know it would not have blind people and junkies. It's kinda like Back to the Future. You can't kill them off cause without their offspring, we would have no blind people to make fun of. Plus I can't think of any more songs from the Sting, so they could live.
Yes, I can make fun of blind people. The fuck they gonna do? Put their fingers on the monitor and Braille this shit out? Fuck the blind!
So the Ingalls would have to go.
Let's get back to the town.
Simple enough. This town has resources that could better go to use in this time of great American Expansion. This town just needs a product that involves grain and metal working. Something that every town seems to have. And they have a lot of sugar. Well this is going to be easier than I thought.
Have you ever thought that there is a reason that most of life's problems can be solved with that little word? There is a reason for this. Say it with me. Moonshine. Moonshine. It almost rolls off the lips. Well as far as I can see it, you could plant everything around that town and it would grow, so the possibilities of flavors are endless.
So there is the plan.
Now we need to put the plan into effect. Or is it affect? I always get those two mixed up. But we need to start cooking. This shit ain't gonna make people go blind on its own.
So with a plan in place, we can now start. Mr. Henson would provide the metal materials for the still. Mr. Olsen would provide the sugar. Someone could blow glass for the containers. We could use the children for that. Children have a higher sensitivity to pain and heat so they would be perfect plus they are expendable. I mean hell, every time a new kid comes on that show, it is titled "The New Kid with Some Incurable Disease Who Will Die Before The End Of The Show" so they must be pretty used to kids flopping around like fish out of water.
So I got that covered.
I guess I would have to bring back Charles to grow the crop. Dammit. And I liked him gone. This might be a problem.
But as Momma Turtle once told me, every problem provides you with a new solution. So we bring Charles back but cut out his preachy ass tongue. Maybe snag his kid or something to shut him up. Idunno. We could figure something out.
I didn't say this plan was perfect.
The next thing is the school. It would have to go. Or...we could get all Saddam and shit on the rest of the world and cook the 'shine in the school house. No one would ever look there for it. If it is illegal that is. Shit. Never thought about that. This might be another big problem. Never sell anything to anyone that they can make or produce themselves legally. Basic rule of thumb that everyone needs to know. Kind of like "Never Sue Poor People." Man, if the guys on People's Court ever figured out that rule, I would lose all my daytime TV so maybe I ought to keep that one quiet. Did you guys know Rusty from the People's Court is dead? Pretty sad if you ask me. Plus it fucks up more of my plan.
Geez, I'm not even done yet and my plan is falling into the shitter.
Ok. No Rusty. I can refigure (?) this plan and move on. We need help to get moonshine illegal. Rusty is out. He can't go to congress and petition them to make it illegal to save the children from the demon seed known as booze so I am kind fucked there. Otis from Mayberry is dead too. So can't bring in a Master Stiller to finish the job. I am pretty sure Charles is dead too.
Ok. I can get over this. All I need is Merlin Olsen and everything will be cool.
I hope he's not dead.
So I guess my plan of turning this town into a moonshine distribution hub for the entire country is going down in flames fast.
But, I still have Merlin.
I guess we could sit around and grow flowers all day taking turns having sex with Nellie but since I already killed her off, that would be kinda gross.
I mean what kind of lesson could you take from that?
Fucking the dead and growing flowers for FTD would not make a good TV show.
Sometimes life isn't like the A-Team.
Sometimes plans don't come together.
Hey! Did you guys know George Peppard is dead?
Damn shame, if you ask me. - T
*Known as Hellmans East of the Rockies.
Turtle is going back to bed.