Open Mouth. Insert foot
by Travis Gruber

We’ve all had moments in our lives where we open our mouths and spew forth something into the ether that can never be pulled back in. There are some us, like myself, who can shrug this off and say, “Fuck it, you know I’m an asshole and I actually meant that whole ‘I hope you get aids’ thing.” But most people don’t have the intestinal fortitude – which is a fantastic turn of phrase by the way – to own up to the dumb shit that they say and let it haunt them. Or there are people who stick their foot in their mouth in front of me and I refuse to let them live it down and assist in said verbal bowel movement haunting them for the rest of their natural life. The past two weeks have provided me with two of the greatest moments of this that I can ever remember.

Over the Christmas holiday I was allowed to join my fiancé’s family for the first time in almost five years. Aside from a bit of awkwardness it really was a fantastic visit and I enjoyed getting to know her side of the family. At one point in the weekend we were all sitting around drinking, which is something that was done in abundance, when my future father in law and I started making fun of his daughters ex-boyfriends. As the new, and one would hope PERMANENT, man in her life it is completely within my right to assault the character, looks and sexual orientation of all men who have preceded me. So my Father in Law and I are having a grand ole time bad-mouthing the exes and drinking our cocktails when my Mother in Law pipes up with this gem:

“Yes but (fiancé) and her ex-boyfriend would have had BEAUTIFUL children.”


All conversation stopped and the dozen or so people in the room just stared blankly at me. I can only assume that they were waiting for me to lose my cool or turn into some puddle on the floor writhing over an apparent lack of self worth. Me? Writh out of lack of self worth? I own a t-shirt that says Narcissist: I love myself and I’m better than you. So the question you must be asking yourself is what did I do? I downed my drank and stared at my Mother in Law and let her dig her own grave. She starts back tracking and trying to make up for what she said when she lets this second jewel fly:

“That’s not what I meant. I meant…Justin was a pretty boy and you, Travis, you’re a manly man….your children are going to be ...STURDY.”

So not only are her future grandchildren not going to be pretty but they’re going to be sturdy….I love my new family. I brought this up no less than six times the rest of that weekend and I plan on bringing it up every time I see her. At some point her guilt will get the best of her and I think I might score that X-Box 360 I’ve had my eyes on.

Not to be outdone by my mother in law, a co-worker of mine stuck his foot so far into his mouth I doubt he’ll ever recover. As a matter of fact it was two days ago that he verbally fucked himself and he avoids me in the hallway like I’m a leper.

You see my step mom has had brain cancer for a little over a year and a half and it progressively got worse and worse. Well most of the people in my office know my step mom and would occasionally stop me in the hall to talk about her, how she’s doing..what have you. Well on January 3rd my step mom finally succumbed to cancer and passed away. Now before you start doing the whole “Oh Travis we’re so sorry…” bit: I’m fine. But I was walking the hall of my office the other day when one of my superiors stopped and the following conversation took place:

Him: Travis if you need anything just let me know.

Me: Okay sir, Thanks.

Him: I mean things with your step mom are getting pretty bad right?

Long awkward pause

Me: Dude, she died last week.

And he wandered off to drown himself in the urinal in the bathroom. He, will also, never live this down because I think I might be able to get a pay raise out of that faux paus.

What about you people? Ever stuck your foot so far into your mouth that you had to have it surgically removed? Tell me about it.

Travis loves the taste of Converse on his tongue.



I've farted in a strip club before, if that counts.


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