I like horror sequels. Okay, I rarely know what I’m talking about and I’ll easily admit to that. But come on, they don’t all suck. Anyone that says so is the worst kind of purist. The number of shitty sequels is obviously higher than the number of good ones, but the good ones are out there. Let’s go look for some…… but keep in mind that I like a lot of crap.

I guess I’m not a purist.

Return Of The Living Dead 2

Make no mistake, this one isn’t as good as Return Of The Living Dead. Some of the humour isn’t as funny as the first, and it’s even more juvenile and silly. It’s just not as original as the original; of course, as a sequel it’s almost self explanatory so why complain, you know? Some parts are hilarious, so it all evens out. And it’s got some decent carnage as well. That’s all we need here.

It’s faithful to the first one. Really fucking faithful. It has some actors from the first movie, playing different characters in similar roles, even saying some of the same lines. That part in particular really appeals to me. Like Frank and Freddie, or Ed and Joey: “Watch your tongue boy, if you like this job.” “Like this job??” Now that’s good times.

This movie doesn’t take itself seriously at all, and it’s cool to see a movie that does that while still trying to make something worth watching. Too many movies weren’t taken seriously by the makers – at least I don’t think they were serious – and the result is a shitload of movies that nobody is interested in. Good sounding titles that waste our time and money.

Saw 2

What, were you expected to be as surprised by the second as you were by the first? Hang on, have I berated you for that already? Sorry.... but you’re only going to get the atmosphere and the same kind of storyline; you’re never going to get to see the first one again any more than you can unwatch it.

But number 2 wasn’t bad, was it? I’ve only seen it once but I’ve been meaning to give it another look. Yes, I did think it was weird that a victim from the first one would be in the second one. As soon as I saw that chick I figured something wasn’t right. Easy enough to assume she might be in on it, but you’d like to think the movie had something a little more twisted and original in store. The biggest surprise was Donnie Wahlberg, who’s always going to be a dancing fool to me. He can act and that’s great, but he was a fucking New Kid On The Block. I don’t want to get past that. I can’t wait until he’s 60 or 70 and I can mock him for being an old man who used to be a New Kid. Who cares if I’m poor and feeble and have a bag full of urine and/or feces attached to my hip while he’s rich and tanned and eating more than cat food AND more than once a day; I’ll still have my integrity, baby, and that tastes great.

I still haven’t seen the third one. Soon enough. It’s not going anywhere.

Zombie

Ha ha, suckers. Zombie is the American release name for the Italian movie Zombi 2, which was made as kind of a sequel to Dawn Of The Dead. Gotcha.

Zombie possesses one of the most charming and senseless attributes of horror sequels: it’s got fuck-all to do with the first one. Well, there are zombies in it, and a group of people trying to escape them, but if that makes a sequel then I’d have to deduce that EVERY ZOMBIE MOVIE IS A SEQUEL TO THE FIRST ONE EVER MADE. And that can’t be right. In any case this movie is better than a stick in the eye. I’ve got a friend who knows this guy who uses the internet, and he told my friend that the movie is easily available for download online in torrent form, but that he only recommends it if my friend couldn’t find the movie in a video store (he said hey, we all work for a living, you know?). Then he started talking about the MPwhatever Association being a bunch of good guys like the rest of us who could hardly afford a decent lunch, and my friend walked away without making any sudden movements.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

A lot of people dislike this one but I say fuck em, I like it; I wouldn’t bother drawing comparisons to the first one myself because I find that to be a useless and frustrating practice. Every horror movie has to be held on its own merits….. Holy shit, I can hardly imagine avoiding Zombi 2 because it was a sequel. The dude in TCM2 who picks the skin off his head and eats it is just beautiful, man. That’s really good stuff. And it’s got Dennis Hopper too.

Dennis Hopper. I don’t know what the hell to make of that guy. He can be a great actor – he is a great actor - but he’s picked an awful lot of crappy roles over the years, hasn’t he? A lot of….. um, has anyone seen Riders Of The Storm? That was a fucking weird movie. I did watch it on acid, but I watched it on acid because I heard it was weird and trip-conducive, so I know it wasn’t just me. Wait, what am I talking about? Right, Dennis. Anyone seen that documentary about the making of Apocalypse Now, when He was all coked up and being interviewed? Holy shit dude, he was senseless. Wait, what am I talking about? Right, Dennis.

Dennis Hopper is fucked up. His character in TCM2 gives us the stupidest murder-suicide ever put on film. What does he do, you ask? Well, he finds out where Leatherface et al are hanging out, drives over there, makes his way into the basement and starts chopping at the support beams and rafters while screaming that he’s going to take the whole place down. Dennis, Dennis….. don’t scream while you’re killing people (with a chainsaw) in a manner that’s hardly quick and effective. Also, and far more importantly, don’t fucking kill yourself if you don’t have to? Ever hear of C-4? Ever hear of ammonium nitrate? That Cookbook written by someone who had no interest in food? Jesus, Dennis, your character (who was named Lefty, by the way, a flag for idiocy if there ever was one) is a douchbag. But his character just doesn’t care anymore. The movie wouldn’t be the same without him. Every time you tell someone on your screen not to go in there, you really want them to go in there. Dennis went in there.

Shit, I’ve hardly started on this topic. I covered TCM2 but not Halloween 2. I only talked about the twos, nothing further. So okay, maybe the new title is Sequels Part One (A) – The Decent Ones. Maybe it isn’t. Gimme some good horror sequels or else I’ll give you more good sequels later, and don’t think I’m bluffing. My threats are real. And if you don’t want to give a good sequel then give me a good Hopper movie.

Dan realizes the power of The Hopper and is in awe of it.

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