Sidekick Dicks
by Dan Greene

I feel like talking about those guys that play annoying supporting roles in movies. Sometimes the guy is an asshole at every turn, antagonistic and angry, or they’re nice guys who just piss me off for one reason or another. They usually die but not always, and there’s nothing more satisfying than watching one of the good guys bite it. Those fuckers.

Some of them are cool, but they are there to support the main character and make him look good. Therefore, they are often stupid and deserve what they get.

Scotty - The Evil Dead

That guy was a bit of a dick, don’t you think? You could tell he had personality issues, blowing up at those poor guys on the side of the road like that. Fucking around and scaring Ash in the basement. Making everyone listen to the tape for longer than anyone really wanted to. Just being a dick.

Ed – Fright Night300px-GrifDunn.jpg

He doesn’t believe his friend at first, then he becomes a vampire himself and stirs up shit. Fucking jerk. He’s annoying through the whole movie too. Just watch it and tell me you’re not waiting for Evil Ed to just fucking die and get off your screen.

Stephen – Dawn Of The Dead

Worst waster of bullets ever. He seemed to think highly of himself but he seemed to have nothing going for him besides the flying thing. I guess that was enough. But shit, how bad of a shot was he? Idiot.

Jack – An American Werewolf In London

This sidekick doesn’t really bother me at all, so he doesn’t fit perfectly with this topic. Having said that though….. Man, if I was David I’ve have done my best to ignore Jack too. Jack wouldn’t let up on the guy. He’s all, “Oooh, you gotta kill yourself and get us all out of limbo, ooh, please help me rest in peace, oooh, you are a werewolf and I am dead”. I’d probably have acted the same though, I mean, he did give his reasons. “Have you tried talking to a corpse? It’s boring!”

malachai.gifMalachai – Children Of The Corn

Malachai was kind of second in command of the corn rows, with Isaac being the leader. It’s kind of hard to say who was worse because they were both evil kids, but Malachai was mutinous as well. Evil or not, man, you gotta have loyalty or you got nothing but corn.

L.G. McPeters – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
This guy should have been more aware, working the late shift in that isolated radio station and wearing that nifty hat. Did he not realize that someone would be coming for that hat eventually? At least he died well, sans hat.

Beverly/Elliot – Dead Ringers

This isn’t the first or last time I’ll say that David Cronenberg’s a genius. This movie is about identical twin gynecologists who essentially act as if they’re one person, then try to “separate” with nasty results. Sound weird? It sure is. This isn’t a particularly gory Cronenberg movie but the horror is in the psychology – check out the medical tools they want to use at work. Anyway, Beverly is the more introverted of the two twins, but when he finds some of his individuality he also finds that his brother suffers. Elliot’s used to being in charge but eventually learns that he’s actually used to just feeling in charge. If you haven’t seen the movie, go watch it. Then come back and tell me if you’d trust either of those guys as your sidekick.

Drew – Pet Sematary 2

That kid was fat and weak, never stood up to Gus (his dad) his whole life. He was good for grunt work and that’s about it. ‘Nuf said.

Richard – From Dusk Till Dawn

Dude was crazy. I don’t care how loyal you are…. Well, that’s a lie, I do care. But that goes out the window when you’re crazy. How the hell am I supposed to know what your idea of loyalty is? Lucky you’re my brother or I’d have killed you myself by now.

Mick and Pnub – Idle Hands

Man, these guys call themselves friends of Anton? Pnub wouldn’t even share his weed with the guy, like, ten minutes into the movie. Serves him right for getting killed the way he did.

So what you got? Any sidekicks that bother you?

Dan hates all sidekicks. Don't let him fool you.



Wheelchair dude from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What a whiny bitch. I wanted to knife him myself.


Bill fucking Paxton as Hudson in Aliens. HAS to be one of the most whiny, over-the-top, annoying sidekicks ever. "Game over man!"


Oh, and Newt can suck a dick as well. Man, that little twit was annoying. I was so glad when she died at the beginning of the third movie. Even though that movie sucked giant festering donkey balls.


I hated Richard. When he killed the maid, I wanted Clooney to just take him out right there.


that guy.

he brought the green giant down


and as far as sidekicks go, does any one else want to rip this fuckers head off?

I hate Farnsworth!

He is bringing P Diddy down.


The only Farnsworth I recognize as legitimate is Professor Farnsworth.


Dynomutt fucking over the Blue Falcon used to piss me off. He should be sold for scrap.




Booboo was such a buzzkill.


Howard Sprague in the post Barney Fife episodes of Andy Griffith.


eXTReMe Tracker