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by Dan Greene
I feel like talking about those guys that play annoying supporting roles in movies. Sometimes the guy is an asshole at every turn, antagonistic and angry, or they’re nice guys who just piss me off for one reason or another. They usually die but not always, and there’s nothing more satisfying than watching one of the good guys bite it. Those fuckers.
Some of them are cool, but they are there to support the main character and make him look good. Therefore, they are often stupid and deserve what they get.
Scotty - The Evil Dead
That guy was a bit of a dick, don’t you think? You could tell he had personality issues, blowing up at those poor guys on the side of the road like that. Fucking around and scaring Ash in the basement. Making everyone listen to the tape for longer than anyone really wanted to. Just being a dick.
Ed – Fright Night
He doesn’t believe his friend at first, then he becomes a vampire himself and stirs up shit. Fucking jerk. He’s annoying through the whole movie too. Just watch it and tell me you’re not waiting for Evil Ed to just fucking die and get off your screen.
Stephen – Dawn Of The Dead
Worst waster of bullets ever. He seemed to think highly of himself but he seemed to have nothing going for him besides the flying thing. I guess that was enough. But shit, how bad of a shot was he? Idiot.
Jack – An American Werewolf In London
This sidekick doesn’t really bother me at all, so he doesn’t fit perfectly with this topic. Having said that though….. Man, if I was David I’ve have done my best to ignore Jack too. Jack wouldn’t let up on the guy. He’s all, “Oooh, you gotta kill yourself and get us all out of limbo, ooh, please help me rest in peace, oooh, you are a werewolf and I am dead”. I’d probably have acted the same though, I mean, he did give his reasons. “Have you tried talking to a corpse? It’s boring!”
Malachai – Children Of The Corn
Malachai was kind of second in command of the corn rows, with Isaac being the leader. It’s kind of hard to say who was worse because they were both evil kids, but Malachai was mutinous as well. Evil or not, man, you gotta have loyalty or you got nothing but corn.
L.G. McPeters – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
Beverly/Elliot – Dead Ringers
This isn’t the first or last time I’ll say that David Cronenberg’s a genius. This movie is about identical twin gynecologists who essentially act as if they’re one person, then try to “separate” with nasty results. Sound weird? It sure is. This isn’t a particularly gory Cronenberg movie but the horror is in the psychology – check out the medical tools they want to use at work. Anyway, Beverly is the more introverted of the two twins, but when he finds some of his individuality he also finds that his brother suffers. Elliot’s used to being in charge but eventually learns that he’s actually used to just feeling in charge. If you haven’t seen the movie, go watch it. Then come back and tell me if you’d trust either of those guys as your sidekick.
Drew – Pet Sematary 2
That kid was fat and weak, never stood up to Gus (his dad) his whole life. He was good for grunt work and that’s about it. ‘Nuf said.
Richard – From Dusk Till Dawn
Dude was crazy. I don’t care how loyal you are…. Well, that’s a lie, I do care. But that goes out the window when you’re crazy. How the hell am I supposed to know what your idea of loyalty is? Lucky you’re my brother or I’d have killed you myself by now.
Mick and Pnub – Idle Hands
Man, these guys call themselves friends of Anton? Pnub wouldn’t even share his weed with the guy, like, ten minutes into the movie. Serves him right for getting killed the way he did.
So what you got? Any sidekicks that bother you?