The Wickerman: Reviewed
by Travis Gruber

I'll warn you that this article contains spoilers but trust me: by reading this you are going to save yourself nine dollars and the urge to bludgeon someone. Honestly, don't even rent this movie. Here, I'll give you the synopsis: (give it a sec for the pictures to load.)

When I saw the trailer for this movie I though it had the potential to be a great psychological thriller. What i got was a giant pile of crap. Not only was this movie hackneyed and cobbled together in an attempt to make a barely cohesive film, it was completely lacking in character. The first ten minutes of the movie doesn't need to exist and should have been spent on developing how much Nicholas Cage's character missed his fiance; who ran away from him. If you had done that I would have understood why he dropped everything when she sent him a mysterious letter requesting his help. But nope, you just chucked everyone in to the middle of your clusterfuck. What you should have done is hire the guy who made this movie look interesting in the commercials, and have him make the actual movie because the monkey fucker who actually made this movie should be making advertisements for Purina: dog chow.

Have you ever watched a movie and the show something that appears to be important, especially in a thriller, only to have them drop it later? That would be almost the entirity of this movie. In normal thrillers that's called a "Red Hearing". It's a movie gimmick used to make you think you know what's going on, only to lead you astray. In this movie it's called "HOLY FUCK WE NEED TO FILL ANOTHER HALF HOUR OF FILM!" Though I do have to say that the movie had one redeeming sequence: Nick Cage cold-cock-decks the living shit out of Diane Delano's character, and I mean flat-out-DECKED,then he Jump Kicks LeeLee Sobieski. I laughed so had at this that the rest of the audience was laughing at my raection more than they were watching the film.

Since I've been a fan of Nicholas cage for a while, and everyone knows I have a top-secret database of the instant messenger screen names for celebrities, I wanted to talk to Nick about this personally:

...and the truth shall set you free.

Travis spends his weekends sending racy IMs to Mel Gibson.



Try the original dude.


I hated the original. Everyone told me how awesome and creepy it was, but I just didn't feel it. I was really disappointed. And that damn song that kept going throughout the movie gave me a fit of giggles.


I can see what you mean, and I agree with the stupid music . I wouldn't call it particularly creepy myself.
Certainly not horror in the usual sense but still a movie I liked.

Definitely didn't have to be remade, I think we can all agree on that.

Travis, on second thought don't try the original.


I'm really trying hard to think of the last movie that I enjoyed Nick Cage in and I'm having a very hard time. Admittedly, I haven't watched Lord of War or Weatherman yet, but my hopes aren't high.

I agree that the coolest thing he's done in recent memory is schtup Lisa Marie.


I think Nick Cage is one of the worst actors to ever be called a good actor.

I tolerate some of his movies, like Raising Arizona, because they are good movies despite his presence. And some movies, like Con Air, would be awesome if it weren't for him.


Don't lie, I know you were all swept away by It Could Happen To You.


I love early Nic Cage. Wild at Heart is one of my favorite movies.


I noticed one day, after fate had made me see, through random occurrences, Gone in 60 seconds, Matchstick Men, The Rock and Lord of War all within a few days of eachother.

And you know what? He's the same in every damn movie. He shows up and says some words and everyone's like "wow what a great actor" but no, people, it's just HIM. He gets a little bit more or a little less twitchy depending on the role, but it's still him.

I stopped watching any Nic Cage movie after I finally saw Lord Of War. Sweet Jesus, it was beyond terrible.

So I guess what I'm saying is, this doesn't surprise me at all, and makes me glad I watch movies with other people in them.


This movie is dedicated to Johnny Ramone too.


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