The Wickerman: Reviewed
by Travis Gruber
I'll warn you that this article contains spoilers but trust me: by reading this you are going to save yourself nine dollars and the urge to bludgeon someone. Honestly, don't even rent this movie. Here, I'll give you the synopsis: (give it a sec for the pictures to load.)
When I saw the trailer for this movie I though it had the potential to be a great psychological thriller. What i got was a giant pile of crap. Not only was this movie hackneyed and cobbled together in an attempt to make a barely cohesive film, it was completely lacking in character. The first ten minutes of the movie doesn't need to exist and should have been spent on developing how much Nicholas Cage's character missed his fiance; who ran away from him. If you had done that I would have understood why he dropped everything when she sent him a mysterious letter requesting his help. But nope, you just chucked everyone in to the middle of your clusterfuck. What you should have done is hire the guy who made this movie look interesting in the commercials, and have him make the actual movie because the monkey fucker who actually made this movie should be making advertisements for Purina: dog chow.
Have you ever watched a movie and the show something that appears to be important, especially in a thriller, only to have them drop it later? That would be almost the entirity of this movie. In normal thrillers that's called a "Red Hearing". It's a movie gimmick used to make you think you know what's going on, only to lead you astray. In this movie it's called "HOLY FUCK WE NEED TO FILL ANOTHER HALF HOUR OF FILM!" Though I do have to say that the movie had one redeeming sequence: Nick Cage cold-cock-decks the living shit out of Diane Delano's character, and I mean flat-out-DECKED,then he Jump Kicks LeeLee Sobieski. I laughed so had at this that the rest of the audience was laughing at my raection more than they were watching the film.
Since I've been a fan of Nicholas cage for a while, and everyone knows I have a top-secret database of the instant messenger screen names for celebrities, I wanted to talk to Nick about this personally:
...and the truth shall set you free.
Travis spends his weekends sending racy IMs to Mel Gibson.