This Shit Sucks
by Travis Gruber

I have been really irritable as of late, probably due to the fact that I quit smoking and all of the hate and anger that I used to take out on myself by smoking has just been building. So I have compiled a list of shit that's been pissing me off.

Ma-Ti (The kid from captain planet who had the power of heart):

The Good News: you've been chosen to become part of an elite team of super heros. There will be five of you, each with unique powers of the earth.The Bad News: While everyone else gets cool powers like controlling the seismic activity of the earth, and shooting fire, you're the fag who gets the power to make people feel. You're the lamest super hero ever. Even Aquaman laughs at you. (not to mention this cartoon and all the god damn hippies who made it should rot in hell!)

Jay Leno

I don't give a flying piece of monkey shit if he replaced Johnny Carson as host of the tonight show, this guy blows. His jokes are lame and always followed by a rim shot (not rim job) then, when no one laughs, he figures that they just didn't hear the shitty punchline so he repeats it, with another god damn rim shot from the band. Jay Leno you suck, I hope something heavy falls on your grotesquely disfigured head!

Disclaimers on Medicine Ads

Not only is there some new designer prescription for everything from nosebleeds to severe anal leakage, the side effects that they cause are horrificly worse than the problem they are prescribed to get rid of.

John Stamos

Not only did this cheese dick get to bang Rebecca Romajn ,which should put him on the top of anyone's list of "ten people whose asses I want to lodge a small mouthed bass in", but he was also that lame ass, hip-but-sensitive uncle Jesse on full house. And only three good things came out of Full House, Bob Saget’s drug problem, and the Olsen Twins (because we all know that soon enough those two and Britney Spears are gonna be doing porn with Paris Hilton.) John Stamos is a schmuck.

Everclear - The Band

Every song written by this three piece out cropping of dingleberries sounds alike. Don't believe me? Start singing father of mine over that "..we can live beside the ocean.." song. I farted one time and it lasted 74 minutes, the length of a full cd, and it had more tone, charisma, pathos, and talent than every Everclear album put together. I walked out of a free concert that they put on...i then went home and watched my wall, because I had no TV. I hope this band has finally stopped recording shit, and I pray radio someday stops playing them. I also hope that they get on a plane with Sugar Ray and that plane crashes into a fish tank full of ravenous pirahanas that eats their faces off but leaves them to live horribly disfigured lives.

The Hollywood Shit Machine

This is that strange corporate entity that exists in the nether regions of California that churns out one bad movie after another. These are the people responsible for movies like Dude, Where's my car? Dumb and Dumberer, Cool as Ice (The shit hurricane that was vanilla ice's movie career) and various other GIANT WASTES OF DOG SHIT. This is the same cloudy nothingness that finds one actor and decides that they are the golden child of the film industry and makes me hate them. For example: Will Farrell. I liked Will Farrel when he was on SNL, but now that he is in every god damn movie that is put out these days, I would rather have all my teeth ripped out and then be forced to gum my own arm off then watch him stumble through another clumsy, heavy handed performance. One of these days I'm gonna burn hollywood down, and then pee on the ashes.

Ahston Kutcher

When will this no talent fart catcher shrivel up and fucking die? As Kelso on That Seventies Show he was likable as a doofus, but once he became The Shit Machines golden boy, my urge to cause great and frequent bodily harm to him rose to exponential levels. That and he starred in the greatest tragedy film has ever seen: Dude, Where's My Car? I want my eight bucks back you giant piece of toilet left overs. If I was making movies they sure as hell wouldn't star this bag of ass, unless it was a snuff film. I hope someone puts a butcher knife in his head at a county fair informercial.

Gary Coleman


Paris Hilton

Can someone please explain to me why this whore is famous and I'm not? I did more to be famous for this morning, when I took a shit, than she has done her entire life. She has the mental capacity of a small woodland creature and is incapable of any tact or substance. She should just go the whole nine and be a full fledged porn star, at least then she'd get paid for being the salacious slut that she is.

On a completely seperate note: I went out to dinner the other night with the girl and some of her friends. Well they were all talking about girlie things and I got bored. So, in search of something to entertain me, I sculpted a scene out of PacMan with the leftovers on my plate. PacMan and the power pellet are made of that weird yellow squash they always give you at Chevys. The Ghost is rice and his eyes are feta cheese. The regular pellets are just chunks of tomoatoe. After I picked up my plate and moved it into better light to take a picture with my camera phone everyone decided it was time to leave.

I guess some people have no appreciation for art, or eighties video games.


Travis wants to swim out past the breakers and watch the world die.



I'm so with you on everything... especially John Stamos. That whole Wannabe-Elvis obsession he had going on, on Full House. And God, remember when he did that tour with the Beach Boys (sans Brian Wilson... as if the Beach Boys even existed without Brian Wilson)?

He and Gary Coleman should get together. And make a sex-tape with Paris Hilton.

That would make 2007 perfect.


That would make 2007 the year of the anti-Christ. Surely, that sex tape would be signs of the end of the world.


Vanilla Ice's movie career didn't quite end with Cooler Than Ice. He had a fully little bit part as an anger management-challenged record store employee in The New Guy starring the definitely not-shitty Eliza Dushku.


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