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we have a date with the underground, chapter 35 again
by Turtle Jones
I've been trying to pick up an old instrument lately but it seems there is some weird force that keeps stopping me from learning how to play clarinet. Something missing or broken or whatever. Who knew these things needed reeds? And ligatures? Fuck me, looks like I am heading back to the music store. Hey, I found an instrument in the garage and decided it was time to learn a new thing. So this year will be my learning to play the woodwinds year. What the hell. I think it would be a cool thing. Electric Clarinet.
Think about it.
While I was looking for parts and cords to get this thing amped, I thought back on something. Anyone who plays anything, especially miked, knows what a pain in the ass it is to have all this equipment lying around your house. So today, I thought I will rate the main instruments in a band and how well they stack up against my rating scale. Meaning, if I can watch TV while they are in the same house. More specifically, on my sofa.
It is a 1 to 5 scale.
1 being that I can sit on a sofa with them and still hear the TV.
5 being that I can't sit in the same house and hear the TV.
Feel free to add any or tell me I am wrong.
Drummers don't have much of a problem with leaving shit around. When a stand or cymbal is broken it is usually in the garbage in a few days. Or being creatively used for some kind of TV stand. Every once in awhile you will step on a screw with your bare feet, but as a whole, they aren't that bad. Just kiss off a small corner of your house and everything else is cool. Plus, when drummers practice in front of your TV, all you can hear is them hitting pillows. Much better for my TV watching purposes. And what else can you buy for a drum set? You aren't going in to the music store every other day to get some picks or strings. Maybe you will get a UPS package every once in awhile with a cymbal in it. So no big deal. The hardest thing I have ever had to snag for a drummer was a parking curb to stop his drum from sliding. The only reason I helped him with this is cause we got to skate on it in the house when he wasn't using it. Usually drummers are on the same note as you, too. When a good show comes on, they can figure it out and shut up.
I give them a 3.
I don't think singers practice and really, if a singer started bellowing out something in the middle of my living room, it would look a little weird. Singers only have egos that they toss around and I'm not going to trip over that as I walk to fridge in the middle of the night. So while they don't scream during shows, they tend to have big mouths and because of said mouth, they sometimes interrupt important dialogue of "Little House." And that’s a bad thing cause someone may go blind and you might fucking miss it. Pretty simple. No microphone, no sound.
I give them a 2.
If "Little House" is on, I change my rating to a 4.
Bass players are perfect. No one else can get your shit running tight and fast, keep a cool head and hold the band together. Except drummers. Most of the drummers I have known can build almost anything you want with anything they have. Bass players are the exact same. Give me a few 2x4's and I'll build you a castle as long as you shut up and keep out of my way. Besides, bass players won't sit in front of your couch and play for hours while watching "24". This is a big plus in their corner. Most of the times, bass players are focused on what we need to do right fucking now to get through this situation so if they happen to be trying to get through an episode of "Andy Griffith" you know damn well they will be focused on that TV till Otis passes out or Barney is dead. They will get through the next half hour. What breaks next, meh, deal with it when it happens.
I give them a 1. My best rating.
I've saved the best for last.
The worst offenders of this are guitarists. Christ, they have junk everywhere. Maybe I was blessed with the things I play, but Jesus, can you guys at least throw away broken strings? And you might want to figure if you know how to replace a pickup before you rip your guitar apart because I am sure as shit not going to help you replace that. Guitarists buy shit and leave it around. They don't get rid of old shit. Rather, you get new beer coasters on your table every time they go to a music store. And, as god as my witness, I can't stand someone unplugged, sitting on my couch, playing some never ending solo while I am watching TV. Listen asshole, the headphones don't work. I still hear it. And yes. Yes I did hear you nail that. No. No you don't have to play it again for me. I heard it the first 15 or so times. Besides, "24" is coming on. Shut up.
I give them a 5. My worst rating.
So in the end, I think it is pretty obvious to all that guitarists are a pain in the ass when it comes to watching TV and fixing things they broke.
Stay tuned for my woodwind rating scale that will be posted when I learn how to play my new clarinet. - T