"When is a Cookie not a Cookie?"
by Michele Christopher

[FTTWers note, this is from my blog where I had previously mentioned the extreme low classness of my cousin Flem, so for his small part in this narrative, imagine a toothless redneck that can't eat in a restaurant without stealing the silverware and once abandoned his children with his parents for 3 years to shoot heroin on the streets
of Daytona.]

When the Brits get involved it's a 'biscuit', but that's not what I'm going for this time. Reaching into the well of personal stories from my family, this week's guest star is my cousin Flem's son Jebediah. (Name changed to protect what innocence he has left.)

Once upon a long ago, GrandMama hitched her wagon to a star by the name of George "Tipsy" McStagger (name also changed). Tipsy is a so-called 'Health-Nut'; so-called in the sense that paying $4 for a bulb of "organic" garlic is contradicted by downing a bottle of wine every two days. Other than the excessive drinking, the health-nut reputation is well-earned, witness the horribly dry, grainy "organic" peanut butter in their fridge and the "sometimes with bonus blood spots in the yolk organic fertilized" eggs, etc.

evilrooster.jpgThis is the South, so whenever a person enters a home they are quickly encouraged to eat, and excuses are not usually accepted. It is a knowing-glance-traded inside joke within the family that anytime you have anything to drink or eat in Tipsy's presence, you will be offered THE GOOD KIND. Want to make a sandwich, we got THE GOOD KIND of turkey, ham, whatever from the deli. The bread? Why yes, it is filled with whole grains, and some twigs and berries if I'm not mistaken.

Because it's THE GOOD KIND. Some mayonnaise, butter, mustard, pickles, syrup, shoe polish? THE GOOD KIND is available, have no fear. Why the ordinary kind of a lot of things is kept around is not known, it is sometimes implied that GrandMama has stealthily brought in the sub-par versions just to irk Tipsy.

One weekend not so very long ago, while Jebediah was visiting them for the weekend, his oft-repeated phrase "I'm hungry" escaped his reptilian lips. GrandMama responded that supper was not long off, would he like a few cookies to tide him over? Possessing neither the ability to stop time nor a flashy thing like Men In Black, I was not able to advise the boy against the offer without insulting GrandMama and Tipsy; so I said nothing.

"Yeah!!" Jebediah happily exclaimed, and I watched helplessly as Tipsy moved towards the rooster-shaped cookie jar.

Tipsy spoke with more than a little pride as he removed the rooster's head and offered the jar to Jebediah, "You have all you want of these, we made these yesterday, they're THE GOOD KIND."

richard1.jpg I waved off the offer after Jebediah greedily two-fisted himself headlong into regret. You see, THE GOOD KIND of cookie looks a lot like an ordinary chocolate chip cookie from a distance; and the right angle. The closer you get, you start to see bits of what might be
un-ground wheat, oats, even something that looks like it was shredded off of a cattail. There are little brown clumps, (carob chips posing as chocolate); so a kid might overlook the stuff that looks like it was swept up off the floor and chomp right down. Jebediah sure did.

The look on his face was very comical indeed, I can't describe it. Let's compare it to the hypothetical expression one might have if they were to drink from a glass of vinegar if they were expecting lemonade.

Harsh is an understatement. Now you may have gathered that Flem is not too big on social graces, and might not have taught Jebediah about being polite, and you would be right. Less funny for my story, but he picked up the idea somewhere, and didn't immediately spit out the not-a-treat cookie and say what he thought of it. richard2.jpgHe actually
continued to chew and swallow the cookie, and the rest that he now regretted taking from the Evil Rooster of Death. Quite a heroic feat, as chewing these cookies is a lot like eating at the beach, except there is usually some redeeming flavor in whatever you got sand in when you eat at the beach. Good for my story, he did try to palm some of them off on me, which we both got a laugh out of, believe that!

*I don't know if reptiles have lips, or if his lips resemble them, I just wanted to write that sentence that way.

* Carob is a brown substance that vegans and others will have you believe is "better than chocolate - and better for you!", which, you know, it may be healthier but nothing is better than chocolate, and carob doesn't even come close.

Richard is thinking of starting a folk band called Tipsy McStagger. Or maybe that's what he's naming his moonshine.

Previously by Richard

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Some mayonnaise, butter, mustard, pickles, syrup, shoe polish? THE GOOD KIND is available, have no fear

There is NO SUCH THING as the good kind of mayo.

There is wonderful, fatty, greasy Hellman's Mayonaise.

Accept no substitute.


Since when was a bottle of wine every 2 days excessive?????

Do i have a problem, or does everyone else?


Well, Chris, it really depends on the size of the bottle and how many people are involved. I probably should have used the word 'jug'. That said, I do have some pamphlets I'd like to leave with you.


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