80s Gone Wild
by Rockstar Mommy

80shair.jpgWhen I found out that it was 80's week here at Faster Than The World, I didn't know how much I could bring to the table since I was a little too young to really appreciate the 80's, being born in '81. Please know that I use the word "appreciate" extremely loosely. How anyone could appreciate shoulder pads that made women look like linebackers, tightly teased perms that made women look like Tony Harding stuck her finger in an electrical outlet, stonewashed jeans, and DIY cut-up sweatshirts decorated with fluorescent puffy paint is beyond me. And don't even get me started on crimpers; especially the ones that came in cutesy little shapes like hearts and stars. No, really. It's all just too much Awesomeness for my brain to process all at once. Not that I wasn't a fashion victim of the 80's as well. I can fully admit that in 1989 I could be found sporting a side ponytail and rubber bracelets up to my elbows with legwarmers over top of my neon pink jelly shoes. But, I was 8. Some of you were 20. Let's have a little perspective here.

I wasn't sure if there was anything I could do other than slam the 80's, which I didn't want to do because some people hold the 80's so precious and dear to them, that speaking against an entire decade full of people who made Twisted Sister a household name to many of the people who made Twisted Sister a household name would be like dipping my arm in chocolate pudding and putting it in front of Rosie O'Donnell; I'd expect to get torn to shreds. Plus, I was in love with Michael Jackson. Who the hell am I to judge? In fact, it's still a topic of discussion in every therapy session. It is also, as I've come to learn, the reasoning behind my deeply seeded aversion to phrases "Jamal" and "Hee-Hee".

RJ4752.jpgBut, when I thought about it, I realized that I really love the 80's. The 80's which I was apart of. All that New Wave, the explosion of MTV and music videos, Ferris Bueller taking a day off... So much of the 80's made me who I am today. Punky Brewster can be held responsible for my strong love for all things Converse All Stars and stripey socks. The movie Labyrinth is a direct connection to my somewhat obsessive crush on David Bowie. The Karate Kid taught me that only the nerds who got beat up in school would dare to show up to a costume party dressed as a shower stall. Who's That Girl made me realize that you need ZERO talent to make it in Hollywood. The Goonies taught me to "never say 'die'!" (also to say "fifty dorra' bill!"). Parachute pants made me realize that most people in the world don't realize they're just apart of a big joke, including myself sometimes. Dirty Dancing is the reason that to this day I still want to change my name to Baby so that some hot dude (preferably not Patrick Swayze, though, especially with that scary mullet) can swoop in and pull me out of the corner to twirl me on stage and lift me in the air while I cross my legs and pray to God my last waxing held up. I can still solve my Rubik's Cube in under 3 minutes. And Heathers made it okay for me to tell people to "fuck me gently with a chainsaw."

See? I really do love the 80's.

Rockstar Mommy has laced this column with broody traps.


Yeah, it was a love/hate decade alright.


I was born in '79, so my memories of the eighties are just like yours. I still look back fondly on those years. (Except the times I wore fountain ponytails and snap bracelets. And two to three pair of socks at a time).


"fifty dorra' bill!"

Hehehe. That is EXACTLY how he says it. Made me laugh out loud. I LOVE The Goonies!


I was born in 86 so I don't remember much but... I can definitally say I sported the side ponytail and the jelly shoes in elementary school, and the side pony tail until about 7th grade...


"That's what I said... Booty Traps."


Being born in 1978 makes me a child of the 80s. I was the kid of a single mom who frequently left me with a teenage babysitter...who frequently left me in front of MTV. Not only do I know every good song from the 80s, I know every obnoxious song from the 80s too...and its video, possibly some choreographing *cough*noIdon't*cough*

That said, I want nothing more than to punch the little posers born in 86 or later who call themselves "children of the 80s". NO, you are not. You are a BABY of the 80s, as I am a BABY of the 70s. You were just learning not to shit yourself in the 80s.

I'm not bitter, RSM, I'm NOT BITTER!!! I do love Charles in Charge, and you can't stop me. I like his tightass pants and Lacoste sweaters. I like watching Buddy get stupider with every season. That's all.


PS I know Secha, and she's not a poser. Now I'm done.


-"More amazing than the time Michael Jackson came over to your house to use the bathroom?"


Hey, it's Vic! That's why I never claim to be a child of the '80's. ~.^ The most I remember is what I see in the movies, haha. Just call me and my friends late bloomers who wish we lived in the '80's.


I enjoyed the 80s, loved the cheesy movies, hated just about every, single, second of the music from that...... decade.
The Musical Muse left the Earth in 1976 and, apart from Weird Al, some Billy Joel, Aerosmith, Sting and the occasional REM and INXS, didn't come back until after 1990.

The only thing I liked about the music of that decade was abusing the names of the bands and rewriting their lyrics.

Flock of Idiots
Lames from Down Under
Dicks Without Hats

I do have to thank the 80s for Weird Al, no other decade would have allowed him to become big, you really need shallow, crappy music for that. The lyrics screamed to be rewritten in more useful form.

"She kept on pushing my nose over to do the line"

"I can suck if I want to, I can leave you far behind, cause your friends don't suck and if they don't suck, well they're, no friends of mine"

The 80s are the proof of my thesis, hallucinogens are much better for music (and comedy) than uppers.
70s-Mostly pot and acid and heroin-Great Music
80s The Cocaine Decade. You could walk into any bar in America in the 80s and buy any amound of coke you wanted. Crappy Music.
90s Heroin, pot and lsd make a comeback, Back to Great Music.
2000s So far, more Heroin, pot and acid than blow or crack and the music is still pretty good.
I rest my case.


I loved the 80's. By far my favorite decade. I was born in 1973 and wore all the crazy 80's fashions and listened to every new wave song in existence. I even tried to will myself into being a valley girl on more than one occasion.


If you were wearing jelly shoes and a side ponytail in elementary school you were doing that in the 90's if you were born in '86. No offense. But the jelly shoe deal started in 1984 (yes - I am showing my age) and was gone (pretty much) in 1986 as a fad. Does anyone remember those stupid sandels that had ribbon going through some holes in the bottom, and you wrapped them up your leg? That was UGLY! Oh, and suede boots, in many colors? Yikes!


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