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I Once Got Busy In A Burger King Bathroom
by Turtle Jones
What do the 70's mean to me?
That is really all I remember about the 70's. Well, a few other things. I was a kid. But I remember the Fresno heat. If any of you don't know where Fresno is you should consider that a good thing. Well, that was where I spent the 70's. Driving down those streets in beat up old cars with Burger King collectors glasses. Remember when they used to do that? They used to give you glasses. Like made of actual glass! My grandparents would stock up on those fuckers. Every single glass I ever used when I was a kid had a BK symbol on it along side whatever the hell was in the movie theaters that month. Or the newest cartoon that was out.
Man, I was cool. But enough about me. Let's get down to why I was so cool in the 70's.
Fuck yeah, we were poor, but we knew how to ride in style. This was the machine. Sure, ours was yellow and technically, it was my Uncle's, but I was one cool cat in the 70's. Just put on my hat and we would ride the barrio down low. I think that is one cool thing about that side of my family. They all had cool rides. This one was my Uncle's, as noted earlier. All of his cash went into this ride. I still remember rolling down the streets with the heat so hot, the streets looked liked glass. Wearing a wife beater at 7 years old. I was cool even back then. Didn't have any cool tattoos yet cause well, that would have been weird. All the neighborhood kids were in awe of this ride as it bounced pass the houses.
Never knew what happened to that car. But it was cool. And I was in it. So I was cool by association.
That was grandpa's car. A real cool car. Why do old people have really cool cars? I mean, were the issued them to anyone with a pulse in the 70's?
If they were issued, all I have to say is where is my fair share. I paid my dues. I really wanted my grandfather to die so I could get this car. Everyday my eyes would look up hopefully to see if there was a coroner in the house taking away his body just so I could get the keys to this sweet, sweet ride.
Man, that's fucked up. I don't believe I said that.
Anyways, it really didn't matter if I wanted the car so bad that I wished him dead cause he ended up totalling it in a black out, passed out on the freeway a few years later. See, my family loves fast cars but, we love our liquor more.
The Humpty Dance
Yeah, I know it didn't have much to do with the 70's. I just thought I would let you all know what song is playing in my mind right now.
"Do me, baby......"
One of my fondest memories of growing up. My grandpa didn't fuck around when it came to drinking. Too many people over for all day card games to always send people out for more beer so he needed something bigger and better. Many a wasted days and nights were spent by me in the backyard. See, grandpa had it out back in the yard. Just a fridge sitting in the sun. A few kids soaking up the sunshine while drinking a fine Pilsner like Pabst or Hamm's. We used to fill up coke bottles with beer and spin the day away. I have never had a beer that has tasted so good as when it came from my family's kegerator.
Maybe it was the the Fresno water. Maybe not. All I know is that it worked. An alcoholic was born.
What do they have to do with the 70's? It was another place I would spend my days away. Fishing for mud fish or some other god forsaken fish while drinking the last of our beer. The stench of sewage stuck to the sweat on our shirt. If any of you have never experienced that smell of dust, dirt, mud, gas, beer and sweat you are truly missing out on one of life's greatest treasures.
It smells like victory.
You make the call.
My house would drip with this smell the second I opened the door. Just slamming you in the face. Something about that smell being locked up all day inside a house just waiting to get out. Kind of like when you fart just as you are exiting a car to go work. Just waiting til lunch until you could open the door once again and smell that vintage fart.
That is what my house smelled like.
So the 70's weren't so bad for me.
Fat, drunk and stupid was a hell of a way to go through life. - T