My Friends Are Thieving Bastards
by Travis Gruber

My friends steal my shit. I doubt that they do it on purpose but, to my friends, I’m the local movie rental store. A rental store with a great selection, no late fees and lacking a pipe wielding, ball busting black man to enforce the “please return my shit” rule. Which is why a shit ton of my movies end up missing.

I realized this on a a href=” target=”_blank”> recent trip I took to Los Angeles – which I understand to mean ‘heaping pile of shit’ in Spanish. My trip can be summed up by my cartoon alter-ego.

click for full size

What I realized on this sordid trip is that my friends are acquiring quite a substantial film collection…by hook or by crook. This is the list of movies most often stolen from my house.

Thomas Crowne Affair

Purchased twice so far.

I love a good crime flick. Especially one that is so ingeniously executed as this one. And if I remember correctly you get to see Rene Russo’ tatas.

Ocean’s Eleven

Purchased twice so far.

Yet again my fucking friends are taking my high crime movies. The smoke and mirrors, misdirection and execution of this “heist of the century” flick is the greatest draw to this film. But it’s also a really good “Buddy Film.” Unfortunately “buddy film” is another way of saying sausage-fest…but still a good film.

Dawn of the Dead

Land of the Dead

Purchased three times so far…EACH

Maddox did a pretty good review of Dawn of the Dead and I’ll be running a review of Land of the Dead sometime soon. But there’s not a zombie movie out that I don’t like. Apparently I’m not the only one ‘cause this shit flies off the shelf faster than baby formula and natty ice in a welfare supported trailer park.

The movie that disappears with the greatest frequency, the movie that I purchased in LA that started this whole review, is a film that most of my friends claim to hate. They claim that it’s not nearly the giant swinging dick of film renaissance I claim it to be in this review. That’s right; Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, of which I purchased my fifth copy of while in LA, is taken more often than any other movie.

If you fuckers are going to take something why can’t you come take my fiancé’ copy of Chocolat, The Notebook, or those god forsaken Bridgett Jones movies? Thanks for nothing you assholes.



At my place I refer to my movie collection as "Jo's Rental". My movies span the length of six shelves that are 7' long and 4" deep. Its a rather substantial collection. Over the years I've gone through a few times where movies have gone missing or they become damaged while not in my care.

I came up with a plan. I paid attention last time I rented a movie from a store. They keep a list on their computer, so I went home and started my own. From now on when someone ask if they can borrow a movie from me, I put their name on my list, with the date and the names of the movies. Every week I check the list to see how long movies have been away. If its been over a month since I saw the movie last, I remind the persn about it and the movie is usually returned within the week.

IF for some reason my movie has gotten damaged, I do have a "You must replace" policy. I've only had to enforce it once. To this day, it has yet to be replaced. =(


Dear html code,
You suck and Travis didn't code you right. I hope you eat poop.



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