Pretty Sneaky, Sis!
by Turtle Jones
We're getting close to rounding out 70's week here and I bet a lot of our writers are glad. Seems a bunch of them weren't even born yet in the 70's. I had no idea we hired such young people to write for us.
Our topic for this week's Group LNT is bad 70's commercials. So apparently a couple of the FTTW staff are thinking about suing us for age discrimination because of this idea. They said they couldn't come up with something. Come ON. Most bad ads from the 70's are so famous for their badness even my 14 yr old kid can name a few. I think some of these kids today, they are just lazy. Slackers. Can't be bothered to do a little thinking.
Yep, that's my lawn and you're getting off of it.
Anyhow. Bad 70's commercials.
You know when the world went to hell? When Coca Cola decided to teach the world to sing. The second that commercial came out, childhood as we knew it was dead. Parents everywhere were suckered in by the feel-good lyrics. All those who missed the hippie train of the 60's were going to jump on the Free to be You and Me train of the 70's, and ride it hard. Don't let the sweet voices and feel-good message of this Coke ad fool you. This was the beginning of the downfall of civilization.
Turtle blames Coca Cola for bad things, too:
I think the Coke ad was the most annoying. The one with the kid and Mean Joe Greene. It was on every damn day. "This is the greatest ad and this is the greatest that...blah."
All it showed me was that drinking a product like Coke will turn even the meanest motherfucker into a pussy. Why would I want to drink that? I don't want to be a pussy! I mean I know it was the 70''s and it seemed like everyone had "I am a pussy" tattooed on their asses but wasn't this taking it a little too far?
Ian finds demonic children (but forgets to blame Coke)
I was born in the mid-80s, so I had no idea what to do for this one. But, just for you guys, I purposely put myself through all the bad 70s commercials I could find on the net, and came up with one particularly annoying one: this Wisk detergent commercial. It features what can only be described as a choir of demonic children crying out from their tortures in the netherrealms to the tune of "ring around the rosie". It is exactly as awful as it sounds.
Completely off topic: I also found this spectacular Great American Soup ad. It's all-singing, all-dancing, and is actually pretty good. It was entirely bad in the 70s, so quite whining.
Kali gets way too excited about this:
i hated the pepto bismol commercials. "i like hotdogs but they don't like me..."
also HATED the "pretty sneaky sis" kid from the connect four commercials.
but i could bust a gut belting the arther treacher's seafood and fun commercials like a huge black lady. it was my parents favorite party trick when i was 6 or so.
oh ya and slinky! who could forget "everyone knows it's slin-ky"
and one baltimore classic for the hometown crew: "when you take jhoon rhee self defense then you too can say... nobody bothers me... "
Timmer is old like some of us editors and remembers this stuff:
Let's see, you know it's annoying when you can remember them.
Alka-Seltzer had a couple of doozies.
"I can't believe I ate the whole thing."
And let's not forget that it was in the 70s that Burger King first introduced the Mystical Magical Creep me the Fuck out Burger King. It was a cartoon then, so not as creepy as today, but I blame THOSE stoned markerters for the shite we put up with today.
Jo gets vague on us, but she mentions Star Wars so I'll let it go:
Well, I was born smack-dab in the middle of the Star Wars original media frenzy (I was born in '78, which was also the year Disco officially died.) and the only commercials I remember are for movies. I remember them being really corny and dorky and for some reason, as a child, I was pretty sure I could do better. But then again - I grew up in a family of Sci-Fi geeks.
Pat is NOT a pepper:
Okay, so if you folks are as brain-dead as me about what decade a commercial aired in, Google is a wonderful thing and there are a shitload of sites out there with lists and descriptions of 70s commercials.
Here are my nominations for Most Annoying:
And then there'sthe Mr. Microphone ad.
Newest FTTW writer Johnny obviously fits right in here:
i'll tell you this. those tootsie roll commericals used to piss me off
Cullen can't get relief:
Alka Seltzer. Plop-plop, fizz-fizz, oh what a relief it is. Relief? Relief my ass. A fizzy, nasty tasting pill that can kill birds.
What about "Please don't squeeze the Charmin?" Mr. Hoople, was that the dude's name? Just what was he really talking about not squeezing, I wonder?
Branden has issues with laziness:
I thought of one! While I don't remember exact commercials, what about that fucking Maytag guy? He's been around forever. What a worthless piece of crap that guy was. Just sitting around, doing nothing. I mean, I know that's kind of the point. But come on man, you should have developed some hobbies if your job is that boring. Play fucking checkers or something, or be like that douchebag on the car insurance commercials who teaches a German Shepherd to play poker. But don't just sit there. That's worthless, and it speaks poorly of your product. Build a replica of the Vatican out of matchsticks, I don't care. JUST DO SOMETHING.
Baby Huey came up with this idea and is still the last one in.
Lay's Potato Chips, man. Betcha can't eat just one, right? Goddamn right I couldn't. I think they laced their oil with crack. I'm not sure if this was a marketing slogan or a grim warning of a future full of nothing but morbidly obese children. Nostradamus ain't got nothin on these folks.
Late Night Typing loves youtube