Pretty Sneaky, Sis!
by Turtle Jones

We're getting close to rounding out 70's week here and I bet a lot of our writers are glad. Seems a bunch of them weren't even born yet in the 70's. I had no idea we hired such young people to write for us.

Our topic for this week's Group LNT is bad 70's commercials. So apparently a couple of the FTTW staff are thinking about suing us for age discrimination because of this idea. They said they couldn't come up with something. Come ON. Most bad ads from the 70's are so famous for their badness even my 14 yr old kid can name a few. I think some of these kids today, they are just lazy. Slackers. Can't be bothered to do a little thinking.

Yep, that's my lawn and you're getting off of it.

Anyhow. Bad 70's commercials.

Michele gets coked up:

You know when the world went to hell? When Coca Cola decided to teach the world to sing. The second that commercial came out, childhood as we knew it was dead. Parents everywhere were suckered in by the feel-good lyrics. All those who missed the hippie train of the 60's were going to jump on the Free to be You and Me train of the 70's, and ride it hard. Don't let the sweet voices and feel-good message of this Coke ad fool you. This was the beginning of the downfall of civilization.

Turtle blames Coca Cola for bad things, too:

I think the Coke ad was the most annoying. The one with the kid and Mean Joe Greene. It was on every damn day. "This is the greatest ad and this is the greatest that...blah."

All it showed me was that drinking a product like Coke will turn even the meanest motherfucker into a pussy. Why would I want to drink that? I don't want to be a pussy! I mean I know it was the 70''s and it seemed like everyone had "I am a pussy" tattooed on their asses but wasn't this taking it a little too far?

Ian finds demonic children (but forgets to blame Coke)

I was born in the mid-80s, so I had no idea what to do for this one. But, just for you guys, I purposely put myself through all the bad 70s commercials I could find on the net, and came up with one particularly annoying one: this Wisk detergent commercial. It features what can only be described as a choir of demonic children crying out from their tortures in the netherrealms to the tune of "ring around the rosie". It is exactly as awful as it sounds.

Completely off topic: I also found this spectacular Great American Soup ad. It's all-singing, all-dancing, and is actually pretty good. It was entirely bad in the 70s, so quite whining.

Kali gets way too excited about this:

i hated the pepto bismol commercials. "i like hotdogs but they don't like me..."

also HATED the "pretty sneaky sis" kid from the connect four commercials.

but i could bust a gut belting the arther treacher's seafood and fun commercials like a huge black lady. it was my parents favorite party trick when i was 6 or so.

oh ya and slinky! who could forget "everyone knows it's slin-ky"

and one baltimore classic for the hometown crew: "when you take jhoon rhee self defense then you too can say... nobody bothers me... "

Timmer is old like some of us editors and remembers this stuff:

Let's see, you know it's annoying when you can remember them.

Alka-Seltzer had a couple of doozies.

"I can't believe I ate the whole thing."
"Plop-plop, fizz-fizz, OH what a relief it is!"

"Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun."

And let's not forget that it was in the 70s that Burger King first introduced the Mystical Magical Creep me the Fuck out Burger King. It was a cartoon then, so not as creepy as today, but I blame THOSE stoned markerters for the shite we put up with today.

Jo gets vague on us, but she mentions Star Wars so I'll let it go:

Well, I was born smack-dab in the middle of the Star Wars original media frenzy (I was born in '78, which was also the year Disco officially died.) and the only commercials I remember are for movies. I remember them being really corny and dorky and for some reason, as a child, I was pretty sure I could do better. But then again - I grew up in a family of Sci-Fi geeks.

So my nomination for worst commercials would be all the 70's Movie commercials. I know, its such a vast area.

Pat is NOT a pepper:

Okay, so if you folks are as brain-dead as me about what decade a commercial aired in, Google is a wonderful thing and there are a shitload of sites out there with lists and descriptions of 70s commercials.

Here are my nominations for Most Annoying:

Dr. Pepper
David Naughton singing and dancing that ridiculous song "Im a pepper, you're a pepper, wouldn't you like to be a pepper too." NO!

Parkay Margarine
Voice over claims Parkay tastes like butter. Woman looks at tub of Parkay on her kitchen table and says "but you're Parkay". In a rather comical voice the tub of Parkay says "butter". They go back and forth until she tries a taste of it and she says "it does taste like butter" so the tub of Parkay says "Parkay!" This woman needed a life, or a shrink.

The Finn:

As a child of the seventies, come Christmas time, there was only one thing I wanted. It was probably because the commercial ran 5000 times a day or maybe it was just because I was a sucker for anything electronic. All I have to say is "Hey good lookin'... We'll be back to pick you up later!!"

And then there'sthe Mr. Microphone ad.

Newest FTTW writer Johnny obviously fits right in here:

i'll tell you this. those tootsie roll commericals used to piss me off

who drew those anyway?

and who gives a shit how many "licks" it takes? licks. there's something unhealthy going on there. all those animals sending that little kid on his way to that old perverted owl.

Cullen can't get relief:

Alka Seltzer. Plop-plop, fizz-fizz, oh what a relief it is. Relief? Relief my ass. A fizzy, nasty tasting pill that can kill birds.

What about "Please don't squeeze the Charmin?" Mr. Hoople, was that the dude's name? Just what was he really talking about not squeezing, I wonder?

maytag_man-thumb.jpgBranden has issues with laziness:

I thought of one! While I don't remember exact commercials, what about that fucking Maytag guy? He's been around forever. What a worthless piece of crap that guy was. Just sitting around, doing nothing. I mean, I know that's kind of the point. But come on man, you should have developed some hobbies if your job is that boring. Play fucking checkers or something, or be like that douchebag on the car insurance commercials who teaches a German Shepherd to play poker. But don't just sit there. That's worthless, and it speaks poorly of your product. Build a replica of the Vatican out of matchsticks, I don't care. JUST DO SOMETHING.

Baby Huey came up with this idea and is still the last one in.

Lay's Potato Chips, man. Betcha can't eat just one, right? Goddamn right I couldn't. I think they laced their oil with crack. I'm not sure if this was a marketing slogan or a grim warning of a future full of nothing but morbidly obese children. Nostradamus ain't got nothin on these folks.

Late Night Typing loves youtube



I never cared much for the supposedly great Life cereal commercial with Mikey. "Hey, let's get Mikey, he'll eat anything. Hey Mikey! ... Hey, he likes it!!" Hey, he eats anything, so hey, why so surprised? Hey.


Wait, he hated everything, never mind, but I still never liked it. This tootsie roll commercial is great however.


"Pretty sneaky, sis" is a catchphrase in our family.

Finn: ""Hey good lookin'... We'll be back to pick you up later!!" - What IS that from? I know I know it.......


""Hey good lookin'... We'll be back to pick you up later!!""

Pssst, Michele, it's in the Mr. Microphone ad.


I was a slacker for this one. I was born in the 70s but I could not come up with any ads that I really hated. I definitely don't like that coke ad 'I'd like teach the world to sing..' . hate that. and I hated the Battleship board game ads. 'You sank my battleship!' You're goddam right I did!


Of course, this gets on the page before I notice that my last sentence is riddled with enough typos to convince an epileptic monkey to give up writing.

Should read "It was wasn't entirely bad in the 70s, so quite quit whining.


I take credit for being the astute editor who did not notice your typos last night.

I fully blame the Robitussin.


For the SoCal people, here's a multigenerational one: "It's Caaaaaal Worthington and his dog Spot!"


Personally, I kind of enjoyed the look of concentration on the boy's face in the Connect Four commercial. That was some brilliant acting.

As for the Burger King commercial, I didn't realize there was a precedent for the creepy shit they're showing these days. Looks like the original Burger King was more annoying than anything. Nowadays? Jesus, those ads freak me the fuck out.


hahaha I just saw the Mean Joe Green Coke commercial! I think it's about returning to the barter system. 1 coke = 1 sweaty football jersey.


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