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Put Mommy Back on the Damn Phone! by Rockstar Mommy
I really hate to admit it, but I've become one of those mothers. You know, the kind that puts their kid on the phone with their childless friends to say 'hi'. Back when I was a *cough*wannabe*cough* rock star, not only did I pretty much hate most kids, but even more I hated the mothers that would put their kids on the phone and make me sit there for an excruciating 7 or 8 minutes talking to their not so bright child.
"No, no, no... Really! That's okay, I have to go!" "Hiiiiiiiii." "Oh, hi Not-So-Bright-Child." "Hiiiiiiiii." "Are you being good?" "Hiiiiiiiii." "Are you playing with your toys?" "Hiiiiiiiii." "Okay, Not-So-Bright-Child, put Mommy back on the phone." "Hiiiiiiiii." "Okay, I really have to go now. Put Mommy back on." "Hiiiiiiiii." "Okay, just tell Mommy I'm hanging up now. Bye!" "Hiiiiiiiii." [Here is where you start sniffing the nearest Sharpie]
"Hiiiiiiiii." "Don't think I'm afraid to hang up on a 3 year old! 'Cause I'm not, okay?" "Hiiiiiiiii." "Gah! What is wrong with you, you stupid brat? HANG UP THE PHONE!" "Hiiiiiiiii." [This is where I start looking for something with which to stab myself in the aorta.] "Fine! I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice! You're adopted! And Santa Claus is a big fucking joke! The dude isn't even real! And your Mommy kisses her boss while your daddy 'works overtime' at the bar - and they don't even love you! And they didn't send your puppy to a farm! He got run over and squashed by the ice cream truck!" "WAHHHHH!!! MOMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" "Phew. Finally."
I don't even want to do it, but someone calls and then something comes over me and the next thing I know, I'm holding the phone up to my daughter's ear and she bashfully babbles some incoherent nonsense while I can hear the words "Put Mommy back on!!!" echoing through the receiver. It's a sickness, I tell you. I just can't help myself. And so, consider this a warning to those of you who are childless: Never call my house! Or you will be forced to converse with my child which will lead to the sticking of sharp objects in body parts with major arteries. Rockstar Mommy is down with the sickness...
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Comments
It could be worse - you could be doing it to their 90-yr old blind grandmother with dementia who has no idea who she's talking to! Tho, come to think of it, it doesn't really matter, 'cause Mom's just so happy to be talking to her grandkids...
Posted by: Pat | February 22, 2007 8:51 AM
I can't wait to use that to my advantage. Annoying relative? Here son, talk for me while I step outside. Bill collector? Here son, answer the phone. Good times to come!
This could work out very well for me. Of course my own child couldn't possibly be as annoying as everyone elses. Right?
Posted by: robin | February 22, 2007 1:59 PM
Hahaha!! I am SO calling now :)
Posted by: Becca | February 22, 2007 2:45 PM
See, I'm such a dork that I like talking to children, in small doses anyhow.
Posted by: Heather | February 22, 2007 3:55 PM
OK, I just about stopped breathing that was so funny.
You're adopted...Santa Claus isn't real...your mom's making out the with the boss while your dad's at the bar.
You're too much!!!
Posted by: RWA | February 22, 2007 4:35 PM
Well...... I may or may not have to tolerate my Dad putting the DOG on the phone to talk to me..... I'd much rather the kids!
Posted by: Terry | February 23, 2007 11:02 AM