I still don’t like to make lists very much. This article still isn’t a list. This is just a shitty little piece describing the movies that my wife, Carol and I tend to watch a lot when it’s late on a Saturday night and we’re kind of high and we’re looking to watch a horror movie but we can’t decide what to watch. We might fall asleep in front of the TV and we might not. We might end up watching movies until five in the morning or we might fall asleep in twenty minutes. The following conversation is probably the same as the one you have at your place from time to time:

“What do you want to watch?”

“I don’t know, nothing’s jumping out at me. What about you, anything?”

“Um…. Uh, I don’t know, there’s the Friday movies (the 13th, not Ice Cube), um, Zombie, Demons… Cabin Fever. I downloaded The Dead Zone the other day, do you want to watch that? It’s been a while.”

“No, I might fall asleep. I want to see all of that one. I’d rather watch something kinda shitty.”

“Yeah, me too….. How about ________?”

“Yeah, fuckit, that sounds about right.”

And we watch that. Well, we pack a bowl, take a leak and let the dogs out, then we let the dogs in, and then we watch that.

Demons

This is a great movie from 1985, directed by Dario Argento. I’d be surprised if I hadn’t mentioned this one before now. The movie has a lot of holes in it, stretching logic to its limit time and again for our entertainment.

Or maybe the holes are there to trip us up. Why is that guy wearing that thing on his face? Why won’t he answer the girl when she asks about it? Who would go through the trouble of locking down the movie theatre anyway, besides a demon? Why did that helicopter crash through the roof towards the end? And what the hell does Nostradamus have to do with any of that shit?

A lot of the demons here tend to drool and ooze green slime. Green slime, any slime always makes me curious and a little let down at the same time….. it’s too easy. You know? Blood and foaming at the mouth are expected in movies like this, so maybe you think I’d like to see something different. But no. Unless it’s bilious or it portrays the contents of organs n’ entrails, then I humbly submit that you stick to what works.

That pus filled zit, though. That was kinda nasty. Grade nine all over again.

And I love it anytime somebody transforms in a movie and you get to see the fingernails. Anytime you see demon nails growing out through the human ones, you have your answer. Yes it hurts.

Also, please note that there are tips for picking up girls, hot European girls, in this fine film….. demonstrations of going all Fonzie on a vending machine for the benefit of da leddies. The whole movie theatre come-on thing reminds me of the drive-in come-on scene in The Outsiders. So easy to tell who Cherry Valance is. I completely expected that other chick to throw her drink in Eurodude’s face too.

Best quote from the movie?

“That’ll teach you to touch things!”

Halloween

This movie is a favourite of mine, but you’d never tell from the amount of respect I give it when I fall asleep halfway through. I’m not even going to talk about it much today, I’ve done it before and I’ll be back.

If I like it so much then why do I not bother throwing it into the tray until 2:30 in the morning?

You know what I like about Michael Myers?
He’s resourceful and smart. I mean, the guy was tossed in the mental while he was still young enough to think that dressing as a friggin clown for Halloween is cool. Spent most of his formative years and a few of his adult ones locked up in that place. When he broke out that fateful night, I mean shit, he was stealing cars and stalking people in broad daylight. He just don’t give a fuck. And who taught him how to drive?

That’s the thought I take with me to sleep… then I wake up about an hour later and ask myself why anyone would try and hide in a closet with those slatted, um, with those slats.

Return Of The Living Dead

I’ve seen this one so many times it doesn’t matter if – or when – I fall asleep – or wake up. It’s A Way Of Life.

Slumber Party Massacre

Man, I love this movie. It’s not great, by the way, not at all. Formulaic and predictable. A fairly decent story…. almost no nudity, almost no blood, but it does have a few things going for it. It’s strange you know; this movie was a ripoff of a few other movies (and please… putting “slumber party” and “massacre” together in order to pull in horny teens is as obvious as calling the movie Sex Party Violence. Hell, I’d watch that movie too, now that I think about it.) but it still has a few original elements. A few things to call its own.

There you go, four more movies that somehow have taken up hundreds of hours of my life. Well, dozens anyway, if you subtract the hours I slept. And I don’t mean it in a bad way. These movies to me are like the music you probably listen to when you drift off. It might not be completely mellow, but it’s comfortable and familiar. Like the driller killer. Sleep well, little one.

Dan has a slumber party he wants to invite you to...

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