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by JK Murphy
Today, the world changed. But what am I saying, you already knew that.
I get up at my usual hour (4:00 am) to a gift from the early dawn: a blanket of freshly fallen snow, courtesy of Yours truly.
I walk into the creamy powdered landscape that surrounds my home. I climb into the 2006 Lexus that Daddy (my other Daddy, that is!!!!!) bought me for my half-birthday this year. Your present must be in the mail...
After waiting for the car to heat up I pull out of the driveway. Brrr. Is it just me or does Winter get colder every single year? It seems the earth becomes nippier and frostier with each passing day! Is there anything you could do about this? Parking my SUV in the garage is a no-go because I'm forced to share it with that next-door heathen Stephen (those words don't rhyme for just no reason!)
I know you created everyone in your own image, but surely your mirror must have been grotesquely distorted the day you brought him into this world, if you don't mind me saying. His fourteen-year-old daughter has a tattoo of a dragon on her neck! Of all things! And that's just what I can see, the rest of her bodily mutation is covered by the jet black drapes of fabric that mimic clothing. I ask you to keep a special eye on her as you would the poor pagan babies in uncivilized countries. It is not her fault she was born into
Now, onwards and upwards! On my daily visit to the homeless shelter, I flip through the radio stations (Harper dismisses election...blah blah blah...India-Pakistan train-bombing...yadda yadda yadda...corn cobs may unlock key to natural gas cars...gobbley goop) when I hear such dreadful, terrible, earth-shattering news.
I'm sure you know exactly what I am referring to, but in case you hadn't noticed a very influential and troubled young pop star has shaved her head. Now, I'm sure you are already working your magic, but let me just say that I am devastated by this turn of events. Please watch over her. Since this first occurred it has been on the evening news, in print and on television, on the internet and radio...I think it's suffice to say that this
We cannot have every Tom, Dick or Slutty walking around looking like a skinhead prisoner, or a punk-rock marijuana-smoking psychiatric patient. Especially when that Slutty is such an integral thread in the fabric of our culture. I think you understand where I'm coming from. She is a mother of two, and this is my concern. Where are her kids when she is out shaving all parts of her body? Locked up in some death chamber with mini-razors, no doubt, saying "Well, Mommy did it, why can't I?". It's this kind of degenerative behaviour that leads to tattoos, motorcycles, and ultimately, syphillis.
The hair is going for a starting bid of 1 million dollars on the internet. Well, at least some good can come of this. I plan to purchase that hair with the money I had set aside for my operation and donate that hair to charity. I reckon this would make some lucky child a rather beautiful wig, disregarding the scent of vodka, tears and vomit. I can see the child bringing that wig to classroom show and tell. Hopefully she'll have a more faithful and appreciative audience than I at the age of 13.
"This is my best friend, God," I said, spreading my arms open wide, spinning in super-slow-motion. "And he made...........everything." I pause here, forcing the earth into a warm hug. The laughter starts from the far end of the classroom, and grows louder and louder as it reaches the front of the room.