The Department of Euthanization
by Travis Gruber
ATTENTION IDIOTS OF THE WORLD: I'M PUTTING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ON NOTICE; I'VE HAD IT!
I would like nothing more right now than to put boot to face of ninety-nine percent of the worlds population. I am fucking amazed that some of you morons can breathe on your own without the assistance of visual aides. The idiocy that abounds is enough to make me want to violently upchuck everything I have eaten since birth. Can someone please explain to me how a group of such hopeless, dickless, brainless morons can be so prolific in society these days? Can someone please give me a reason as to why, for example, a person can rob a liquor store, hurt themselves on the way out, and then sue the store owner? I want to meet the legal fuck-stick who helped set that precedent. People these days lack all common sense and personal responsibility when it comes to their own lives. If you take a loaded handgun, point it at your head, and fire it your relatives are somehow allowed to sue the gun manufacturer because somewhere along the way you weren't informed of some very simple survival instincts. Some people would say it is our responsibility to outfit every window licker on the face of the planet with a helmet and flashing red safety light in order to protect them from the world. Other nancy-asses, who don't understand the concept of self preservation, think we should put warning labels and caution signs on everything anyone could ever come in contact with. All you accomplish by rubber padding the world is prolonging the process of natural selection. I, honestly, would like nothing more than to assist in the wholesale slaughter of every idiot on the face of the planet. Seeing as how it is inappropriate for me to perch myself on the roof of a bus-station with a high powered rifle and go people hunting I have decided on the next best thing: I am petitioning Congress to allow me to start my own branch of government. The Department of Euthanization.
This is our emblem that will be branded on T-shirts, Coffee Mugs, Baby Bibs and the homeless.
Everyone has seen the bumper sticker that says You, out of the gene-pool , that's our job. The doctrine of The Department of Euthanization is fairly simple: to cull the herd of two-toothed, slack-jawed dipshits who seem to be dilluting the genepool and generally just weakening the intelligence quotient of the entire population. Our job would be to cut the dead weight. The members of The Department of Euthanization would all dress like regular people, they would carry a badge displaying our emblem and logo, and a modified Beretta nine millimeter that shoots cyanide darts. We would have authority anywhere in the U.S and seperate branches would be instituted throughout varying regions in the world to assist us.
Obviously by now some of you are getting your panties in a twist about a group of people whose sole dedicated purpose is to end the lives of human beings. I can understand that feeling, but let's face it folks, like the badge says, some people are just too stupid to live. In order to put the rest of the world at ease, for the time being, here is the priority list of targets that the D.O.E will be gunning for.
These kids parents
Any parent who lets their kids look like this and then blame society because their children are social outcasts and mocked openly. What happens then is that fatty's mommy raises enough of a ruckus that I can't order a Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger anymore because she's too stupid to realize her walrus children have been cramming down the caloric intake of a 750lb sumo-wrestler since the age of two. It's your fault your kids arteries are clogged because you've condoned their diet of fat, grease, and smaller children. Instead of screaming that McDonalds needs to make their food healthier why don't to you jack-hammer juniors super-sized ass off of the couch and make him do some pushups. It will be good for him, or he'll suffer a massive coronary, either way it's a win-win situation. I'm not the healthiest person in the world but even I know that if I eat Carl's Junior and Mongolian bbq seven days a week I am going to rival Shamoo in weight, girth, and water displacement and I give the D.O.E permission to shoot me in the eyeball if i ever utter anything to the effect of if only Carl's Jr. had told me their food wasn't healthy. Of course it's not healthy, hell I'm fairly certain that McDonalds hamburgers don't even contain actual beef. Unfortunately it would probably take two or three cyanide darts to take these parents down because they're obviously the size of a wooly mamoth.
Along these lines anyone on the Atkins diet is suspect as well. I don't know who the fuck "atkins" thinks he is, but no good can come of his diet. There is no simple, or easy, way to lose weight. I takes hard work, excericse, eating smaller healthier portions and being conscious of the fact that you need to lay off fast food and mudpies. If you're pushing a metric ton then there should be no thought in your mind whatsoever that you should lay off bread and rice and eat more meat.
The other thing I hate is how people on the atkins diet announce that they are attempting to lose weight but are pushing their cholesterol levels through the roof.
WAITER: And what will you have sir?
FAT GUY: I would like the three pound roast beef sandiwch with cheese, mayo, mustard, bacon, and lettuce, but no bread *pats grotesquely large belly* I'm on the atkins.
Next up on the list is vegetarians. If you don't eat meat you're a moron. I am so sick and tired of all of these skinny, wheat smelling, ass-puppets telling me that meat is murder or eating red meat is unhealthy. Wanna know what's unhealthy? Being fourteen pounds, soaking wet, and then trying to lecture me on the benefits of your diet and how healthy you are. Would you like to know what else doesn't eat meat? Everything that is made of meat that I eat.
See these, those are canine teeth, they are meant for tearing flesh. If you don't use them for ripping meat off bones, and do so as a conscious decision, you are on the same level of the food chain as other animals that I spend good money on to cook over an open fire. I love these vegetarian enthusiasts who go on and on ,ad naseuam, about theories of how much land and water it takes to raise cattle. How about this for a chart for you assholes.
This is where I will put your bodies, because irony, to me, is eating meat grazed on fields fertilized by the bodies of vegetarians.
I'd also like to include a general category for sissies. People who have bumperstickers that say things like this:
only mark themselves as sissies. You can also substitute the phrase EMO for sissy. This group of openly emotional, cry at the drop of a hat, tree-hugging, peace-loving, don't harm a fly, horses asses only breed complacency and wimpiness into future generations. I wish it were possible to raise the dead because I would personally resurrect General Patton to be the director of the D.O.E. General Patton doesn't take shit from sissies and I am certain that he would enjoy the field of work of tracking down a sissy at a group hug convention, or an Enya concert, and beating the piss out of them before he put them out of his misery. Sissies just breed sissies. Sissies are the thin skinned little tattle tales who run and scream every time they get even slightly offended. These are the assholes who made it so i have to go to meetings where they say things like if you're telling a joke you have to think are you going to offend anyone around you, not just the person you are telling the joke to. Last time I checked I didn't give a fuck! The last thing I want is a world where everyone is too afraid to act because they don't want to hurt anyone's feelers....
Napoleon Dynamite and fans of this movie. This movie licked so much scrotum that Jon Heder eventually ended up imploding after licking his own scrotum for three consecutive days. This movie sucked ass, lots of ass, immense amounts of ass, and fans of this movie lick even more ass. If it's not bad enough that my room mates swore up and down that this movie ruled (which it did not) but now I have to hear every lame ass imitate it. Every time I hear someone say gosh, or idiot, like the lead character I want to chop them in the larynx and cut off their oxygen supply. I have spoken on the virtues of story-telling, pathos, drama, and story structure on more than one occassion, and this movie is a shining example of how you can masturbate on film and the public will eat it up. Now Napoleon Dynamite propaganda and consumer products over run every store shelf. I see no need for people with such obvious weak-wills and bad taste to continue existing. The only way this movie could have been worse is if it starred Ashton Kutcher. Let's see if I am wrong. I asked my friend Tim what he thought of Napoleon Dynamite.
EVERYONE INVOLVED IN REALITY TV..EVER! This means cast, crew, producers, and fans. Reality TV is, by far, the most hideous waste of electrons ever, wanna know why? Because instead of going out and doing things like...well...anything, they sit at home and watch what is going to happen to other people's lives. I am all for television and movies because I believe everyone should enjoy a good, well told, story. Movies and TV are great entertainment and I will concede that i do occassionally plant my ass in front of the one eyed god of knowledge. (usually on nights when pro-wrestling is on) I detest reality television. Reality TV is hardly ever reality because there is a cast and crew behind the scenes antagonizing certain characters, editing things a certain way, but all in all it's a dumb fucking idea. It's about the most apathetic form of entertainment ever.
Writer One: Hey bill, do you want to write a story with me?
Writer Two: Sure, but actually writing and researching takes effort.
Writer One: yeah that's true, I've got a lot of time invested in sticking household items in my rectum. So how do we preserve my ass-spelunking time and still get on tv?
Writer Two: Let's just stick a buncha people in a house and film it.
Writer One: Good idea, let's make sure that when we do it we include every horrible stereo-type.
Writer Two: We should also include a flaming homo, establishing that every homosexual is a flamboyantly flaming homosexual, and at least one guy who uses the phrase I hate fags on more than one occassion.
Writer One: Great idea...how much would you like to bet that I can stick this mag-lite up my ass?
Filth. Reality Television is horribly cliched, fit every stereotype, thus perpetuating those stereotypes, piece of monkey shit. I would enjoy storming the set of shows like American Idol, Survivor, Big Brother and all of the other shitty reality tv shows. It will make for a great series finale. Oooh, it looks like generic white stereotype and generic black stereotype are finally learning to get along. HOLY CRAP THE DEPARTMENT OF EUTHANIZATION HAS JUST STORMED THE BUILDING AND LAID WASTE TO THE ENTIRE PLACE. Now that's good television. Dave Chapelle, I will personally pay you out of my pocket to come back and do another season...black white supremacist...that shit's funny.
And Finally MIMES
Clowns are bad
Street Performers are worse
The French are evil
And then there are MIMES. Mimes are the most pervasive form of evil and villiany on the face of the earth. Nothing says shoot me in the face, I deserve to die like dressing up as a mopey, french, silent, clown, street performer.
Obviously this list is only of first run, intial targets. Here's a partial list of futre targets:
The why lie I need a beer guy
Old people who drive.
Everyone in Utah except Maddox .
I'm sure there's more, but if you have any suggestions. Email Me.
Travis is really a nice, sweet guy who loves puppies and rainbows and fluffy bunnies.
Yo Trav. Send me your address and I'll ship you some of my prozac.
Posted by: Uber | February 8, 2007 9:51 AM
I need not prozac...I need a belt fed weapon
Posted by: Travis | February 8, 2007 11:03 AM
Then there's a couple of kids in South Philly that run a small business out of a garage that you should meet...
Posted by: thefinn | February 8, 2007 11:48 AM
I'm not sure those unsavory types are the people I should be associated with
Posted by: Travis | February 8, 2007 12:01 PM
Sir, are you implying that these scumbags, er, fine businessmen are unsavory ?
Have you tried barbecue sauce ?
Posted by: thefinn | February 8, 2007 1:00 PM
have I tried BBq sauce? As in ever?
Of course I have. I gives hippies and vegetarians a delightful smokey flavor.
Posted by: Travis | February 8, 2007 1:02 PM
Luckily, I'm in the 5% of people you love.
Posted by: rsm | February 8, 2007 1:18 PM
Yes indeed....count your blessings
Posted by: Travis | February 8, 2007 1:42 PM
I used to be like you Travis.
Then I discovered the wonders of shock therapy and everything was rainbows and lollipops.
But reading this has stirred the rage inside me that I thought was long dead.
I will mention your name when I get arrested during my six state killing spree.
Posted by: michele | February 9, 2007 6:44 AM
As long as you mention my full name and howtokillpeople.com we're good. I could use the press.
Posted by: Travis | February 9, 2007 10:59 AM
I got a little backlogged on reading FTTW so I just saw now this. I am unemployed and on the verge of being homeless but I would like to VOLUNTEER full-time for the D.O.E. If you provide the guns and the darts then I'm going to become your #1 agent.
I do have a procedural question: Is it within D.O.E. policy to accept payments for not shooting people before I shoot them? I figure these idiots will make me richer than Bill Gates within a year.
Uber: I have my own Prozac. It has greatly improved my aim.
Michelle: I am glad you have come to your senses. This blog wouldn't be the same without you.
Posted by: Jim | February 10, 2007 2:09 PM